Somewhat Manly Nerd

Ever since Absolution was released in America, I think Muse has been gaining popularity pretty quickly. They’re certifiable rock stars in the UK and Europe as a whole, with Black Holes and Revelations going double-platinum over there, but over here in America, they’re just not quite as huge. BH&R opened at 9th on the charts and has sold 300,000 copies in the US, which is decent, but nothing spectacular. Yet surprisingly enough, most people that I come in contact in real-life seem to like them. But the same people aren’t going to go out and actually buy the album any time soon either, unfortunately.

Their mixture of Radiohead and Queen makes for an awesome combination and their live shows match up to both of those bands as well, winning more than a few “Best Live Act” awards over in Europe. But like I said, they’re not nearly as huge here in America, instead relegated to the very edge of super-stardom with a legion of loyal fans. They had to open up for My Chemical Romance on their tour together, which is in my opinion an utter farce.

The fact that they’re headlining their own show on August 6th at Madison Square Garden means that they might have finally hit the big time here in the US. The Garden is reserved for the biggest acts, and I think Muse will fit the bill perfectly. Their live show is bombastic, epic, and just plain awesome. I already got my presale tickets yesterday morning. I could’ve gotten better tickets if I didn’t screw up while ordering, but what are you going to do? (I’m not really that nonchalant about it – I’m pretty pissed I fucked up.) Nevertheless, any regrets will fade away in three months when I experience what is sure to be a landmark concert for the band, and for my life. Muse seems to step up their game on the biggest stages (proof shown below), and they don’t come much bigger in America. I can’t wait.

The Golden State Warriors just got done wiping the floor with the Dallas Mavericks. The final score was 111-86. I couldn’t stop laughing when TNT cut to the crowd and I saw this Mavs fan just standing there completely stone-faced ready to murder Dirk Nowitzki – if he was able to find him. Dirk had 8 points. That has to be the most pathetic display by a supposed franchise player, nevermind MVP, in an elimination game in the history of the NBA. The third quarter was, and I quote Marv Albert, “total destruction.” No #1 seed should ever allow themselves to get so utterly dominated. When it was over, the Warriors had outscored the Mavs 35-16 in the 12-minute quarter. I’ve never seen so many drained threes in my life. Golden State just played disgustingly well. Stephen Jackson was an absolute animal. It was a sight to behold.

Of course, the story is going to be Dirk. I don’t know what to say at this point. Basketball is different than a game like baseball, or even football, in the fact that one player can take matters pretty much completely into his own hands; and Dirk played scared, plain and simple. Without him doing anything, the Mavs folded up and got their asses handed to them worse than anyone could have foreseen. I can’t even describe in words how much of a joke the second half was. The Mavs looked like a high school team. I think Mark Cuban might blow up Dirk’s house.

On a final note, if Dirk does get the MVP (it’s a foregone conclusion at this point), it really should be a model of when he got facialed in this game.

I don’t really have too much to say, as I haven’t been following the NBA playoffs much at all. I obviously just wanted to post that photoshop. All I do know is that the Dallas Mavericks are on the verge of the most ridiculous playoff tank-job in the history of professional sports. I remember for the last few weeks of the regular season, I would see countless charts and lists of how every team that had similar records, or similar winning streaks, to the Mavs, went on to win the NBA title. But to be fair, lots of experts did seem to be hesitant to hand them the title prematurely. Looks like they knew what they were talking about.

Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost are officially heroes of internet nerds everywhere — and for good reason. Shaun of the Dead is not just one of the most popular cult films of this decade, it was one of the most charmingly entertaining films I’ve seen in years. It was the most pleasant surprise regarding movies that I’ve had in recent memory. It’s hard to say if they topped SOTD with Hot Fuzz, but they sure didn’t disappoint. After walking out of the theater, my friend Justin suggested that Pegg and Frost are like a modern-day Abbott and Costello. While I haven’t seen any of their work (besides the obvious “Who’s On First”), I have seen dozens of entertainers attempting to copy the formula, and I haven’t seen many do it as well as Pegg and Frost. The two are best friends off the set, and it shines through in their work. They fed off each other brilliantly in SOTD, with Pegg playing the straight man, and Frost being the physically comical, immature idiot. They both play variations of these roles again in Hot Fuzz, but they are truly different characters. It’s not like when Will Ferrell just changes outfits, yet continues to pull the same shit over and over. I might go as far to say that I like both their characters more in Hot Fuzz, and if not both, Frost’s for sure.

Without giving too much away, the film is basically about some peculiar murderous happenings in a small British town. The townsfolk all seem amicable enough — almost too friendly — and as a result, the police force is an absolute farce. Nicholas Angel (played by Pegg) doesn’t fit in too well, as he actually attempts to do police work. Basically, the film just builds from there, as Angel and his partner Danny Butterman (Frost) start getting buddy-buddy and at one point even sit down to watch a duo of classic action movies, and Simon Skinner (played by Timothy Dalton, a.k.a. James Bond #4) becomes more and more suspicious. The entire cast does a great job, but Dalton in particular gives a awesome performance.

The one big qualm I have with the film is that it takes way too long to develop and truly kick into gear. (On the other hand, maybe that’s why the last 30 minutes of the film were so goddamn awesome.) The movie just plods a bit in parts — something that Shaun of the Dead never did. I also feel the British brand of humor is more evident in this film than in its spiritual predecessor, which is maybe why I didn’t care as much for the first half of the movie.

But once the movie goes into full-out mode, the action and laughs don’t stop. There’s shots and scenes ripped straight from other action films, there’s lines to rival any movie since Arnold’s heyday, and the payoff to at least one joke will have you laughing until the end of the movie. If you love action movies, comedies, or just want to have a good time at the movies (and especially if you just saw Grindhouse and were disappointed by it), you have to go see and support Hot Fuzz. I just wish they didn’t give away so many of the gags in the trailer and commercials.

8.5/10

Chances are, if you had any interest in seeing this double-feature, you’ve already hit up the theater for it. And apparently, there weren’t too many of you. Grindhouse is truly one of the biggest, most surprising bombs in recent memory. It had the directorial names of Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino behind it. Rose McGowan, Kurt Russell, and Bruce Willis were shown off in the trailers. It was an ultra-violent, action-packed movie coming out on the coattails of the massive box office hit 300, which was a pinnacle in testosterone-fueled filmmaking. It was a surefire hit. Right?

Maybe the concept didn’t tickle the fancy of many people. Maybe some were afraid it was going to be too ridiculous. Maybe some didn’t want to sit in the theater for three hours. For whatever collection of reasons, I think Tarantino isn’t going to be allowed to make one of his childhood dream movies again – unless he wants to fund it himself. The Weinstein Company is so disappointed that they’ve threatened to split up the two films. Tarantino should’ve stuck with the Kill Bill system.

Anyhow, I got around to seeing the double-feature last weekend and I have to say, while it was definitely an enjoyable experience overall, maybe separate releases wouldn’t have been a bad idea. On the other hand, the fake trailers (only made possible by the whole “grindhouse experience” concept) were the best part of the three-hour sitting. The trailer for Machete really got the theater in the mood for awesomeness, and Planet Terror managed to deliver for the most part. It had a good mix of action and comedy, even though it honestly got a bit too gross for my tastes — but I knew that was a given going in. Rose McGowan was smoking hot throughout and Freddie Rodriguez kicked ass in his hero role. I especially enjoyed Michael Biehn’s performance, as — in addition to him already being an underrated badass — he voiced his lines so damned seriously. PT just went on a bit too long for such a farce of a movie, and was almost too cheesy even for my tastes. But that was the whole intention, so I don’t know what else I can say. I do know that someone yelled, “FUCK! THIS! MOVIE!” at the end, and that someone on the other side of the theater yelled, “FUCK YOU!” back. This is something that would only happen in a 11:35 showing of a movie like Grindhouse, and that’s something I can appreciate.

At this point some people started walking out, either unaware that the movie wasn’t over, leaving to grab a snack, or not wanting to sit through Death Proof. It was their loss. As I said before, the fake trailers between the two features were undoubtedly the best part of Grindhouse. The guest appearance in Werewolf Women of the S.S. got the biggest laugh out of the crowd the entire time. It was so awesome. The Don’t trailer, made by the same guy behind Shaun of the Dead, Edgar Wright, was an amusing parody of trailers for British horror films back in the 70s. But the star of the intermission was the trailer for Thanksgiving. Completely fucked up and ridiculous, it has the best line out of the entire film, delivered by Michael Biehn. You’ll see.

Now this is really when a mess of people left. It did not make me hopeful for Death Proof. I had heard Tarantino had taken his pointless dialogue to a new level, and that the movie was sleep-inducing, but I never expected something that horrendously awful. An hour of girl talk punctuated by the awesomest car crash ever shown on film, topped off by a pretty cool car chase. Looking back it’s easy to say that it wasn’t that bad, but as I sat there, watching people leave the theater while others shouted at them that the movie would get better, I couldn’t help but wish Kurt Russell would just kill some more girls already. I’ve noticed many film buffs on the internet praise Death Proof as being a true “grindhouse” film, and maybe it is. I just know now why Grindhouse isn’t going to have any legs at the box office.

So if you have three hours to spare, you could probably waste it on something worse than Grindhouse, but you could watch something better too. If you wish, you can even save some time and check out shitty bootlegs of the fake trailers on YouTube.

7/10

Machete.

Thanksgiving.

Don’t.

Werewolf Women of the S.S.

Extra trailer shown in Canada, arguably the best one:  Hobo with a Shotgun.

I had a pretty long day today, but there was one thing that made my day and induced me to grin from ear to ear. It’s an image I’ve seen numerous times on the internet, but today I was in a public bathroom and as I pushed the hand dryer button I noticed a sticker on it…(if I had a camera, I wouldn’t taken a picture)

It’s impossible to describe the feeling of pure child-like amusement that seeing it in real-life stirred in me, but rest assured, it was awesome. I think I may just start taping this image to hand dryers in public bathrooms just to spread a little joy. No one expects anything resembling a laugh when they enter a public bathroom, and that’s what makes it so damn great. Even if the stench is nausea-inducing, and there’s piss all over the floor for some god-forsaken reason, this image will still bring a smile to anyone’s face. Now go forth and spread joy throughout bathrooms across the country.

It doesn’t matter that A-Rod hit two homers today.

It doesn’t matter that one of them was a 2-out, 2-strike, 9th inning walk-off Grand Slam.

It doesn’t matter because it’s not October. It’s the complete opposite of October. It’s the first week of the fucking season. Maybe this will hold off the boos until the postseason, but that’s it. If A-Rod reverts to a ball of useless nerves once the ALDS hits, and the Yankees get knocked out again, you can be sure the yearly flood of calls on NY sports talk radio and the embarrassing amount of ESPN coverage will convince him it’s just not worth it. The guy gave up being the greatest shortstop in baseball history to play in NY and win a World Series. Somehow I don’t think it’s gone quite according to plan so far. Jeter and Torre obviously laugh at him in the manager’s office every chance they can. Never harder than when they decided to hit him 8th.

It still blows my mind every time I think about how he was insanely close to ending up with the Red Sox. Fucking world history would be completely different right now. The internet wouldn’t hate Bill Simmons so much. George Bush might have cared about black people. The war in Iraq would have been a success. I would have had sex by now.

Vegas should really open up a line on the next time A-Rod will be mercilessly booed at Yankee Stadium. I’d put the over/under at about 3 months. But why do I have the feeling he’ll break a bat and inadvertently impale some kid in the stands by the end of this month?

Man, what a fucking joke. I can’t buy a par on the last two holes of this damn course, yet I’m only a shot behind. And the guy in front of me is named Stuart. He’s done for. A triple-bogey on 17? I knew that shit was coming, though. When I can’t handle a couple of holes, a mere mortal isn’t going to get out anywhere near even. And who is this Justin Rose guy tied with me? …Oh wow, Wikipedia says he won the Australian Masters. That’s really impressive for a guy with such a pussy last name.

And where’s Phil? I was looking forward to personally embarrassing him tomorrow. If we were partners, he’d try to keep up with me and end up slamming drives into spectators’ faces. I hope he’s been practicing putting the jacket on a mannequin or something. Although, he already had to do it once in 2005, so he knows how it goes. I’m still pissed I had to put the green jacket over his man-tit infested body last year. Man, he is disgusting. How the hell did he win two Masters?

God, my wife is so fucking hot. I know Dad is so proud of me.

I wonder if Smoltzy is up for playing a round on Monday. That could help pad my Masters’ winnings. I could use a new HDTV. Only him and Mike are crazy enough to bet with me while playing golf. Even I’m not stupid enough to bring money into the equation when I shoot hoops with Mike. Smoltzy will probably be feeling good (which means he’ll be loose with his money…) if Atlanta manages to beat the Mets again tomorrow. That’ll be a little tougher for the Braves than it will be for me to decimate the field tomorrow, though. I’m 3-over for the tournament and I’m only a stroke behind. Golfers are so pathetic. My dad really knew what he was doing in unleashing the power of a black man on the game of golf. And I’m only a quarter African-American. Hell, I made up that retarded “Cablinasian” term and people ate it up. People are so stupid.

Legally!

You just have to go to the website that has been set up for the album, and you can stream the entire album for free.

Year Zero. The link to the good stuff is on the top right.

(Of course, this might have been done to curb some illegal downloading…since the album has been leaked)

…But the Mets have just completed an opening three-game sweep of the defending champion St. Louis Cardinals by beating them 10-0 tonight. Sure, it doesn’t erase Beltran staring at that called third strike in the NLCS, but seeing the Cardinals get completely embarrassed the past three days was pretty hilarious. The Mets outscored them 20-2 over the series. Over the three games, the Mets turned seven double-plays (all in the first two games), while the Cards had three horrendous errors in the outfield. The Mets bullpen has been lights-out, while the Cards relievers imploded tonight. Pujols is 1-10 for the season, while Beltran already has 2 homers and 6 RBIs.

Two teams couldn’t be further apart on the baseball spectrum. The Mets look solid in every single aspect of the game, while the Cardinals now have to questioning whether they can even manage to go .500. Chris Carpenter has an inflamed elbow; as Gary Cohen said tonight, “if he’s out for any significant amount of time, the Cardinals are in big trouble,” and I think that’s an understatement. I don’t know how John Maine does it, throwing his 90 mph fastball 80 percent of the time, but he was arguably the Mets’ best starter the second half of last season, and he just continued where he left off tonight. Seven innings of 1-hit ball. Maybe the starting staff isn’t as big a problem as many thought it would be. On the other hand, the Cardinals have two relievers in their starting rotation this year (although Looper pitched a solid 6 innings, even if he did tire a bit). This series was just a joke. Wow.