Barry Bonds Is A Terrible Human Being

2010 May 10
by CajoleJuice

Bonds' reaction to hearing about 9/11

Sure, he broke baseball’s most hallowed record by pumping himself full of horse steroids that shrunk his balls to the size of peas, while embarrassing Major League pitchers repeatedly. But he ruined lives for people off the field, too. My internet buddy @qvt and I did a bit of research and we found out that Bonds did some of the most awful things you can imagine. Free feel to add your own from your personal encounters with him.

- Not only did he cheat on his wife by having a mistress, and bought said mistress a house to buy her silence, he made numerous sex tapes with her that he subsequently showed his children to teach them about sex.

- He voted for Proposition 8.

- He lied to a grand jury about taking steroids, and also tried to buy off U.S. Senators by taking them to Denny’s.

- He’s AWOL from the Army because he’s a terrorist sympathizer.

- When he sees a child’s basketball in the street, he intentionally deflates it.

- He uses the express lane at the supermarket even though he has 25 items. And they are all steroids, somehow.

- He leaves the toilet seat down even though he lives alone.

- If you lend him a book, he creases the spine while he’s reading it and then gives it back and acts like it’s normal.

- He refused a kid in the parking lot an autograph when no one else was around. And the kid was an orphan. In a wheelchair. A wheelchair with only one wheel because he was also poor.

- He pisses in the shower at the gym.

- He pushes all the buttons in the elevator while you’re in it, and then gets out and takes the stairs.

- He thinks Forrest Gump deserved to win that Oscar for Best Picture.

- He voted for the Liberal Democrats in the UK Election.

- One time he threw a perfectly good — and still wrapped — cheeseburger into the trash right in front of a homeless person because he was full already.

- He complains about having Lost spoiled by people on Twitter.

- He’s been poisoning Ken Griffey Jr. for the past decade.

- He goes to a soup kitchen not to volunteer, but to eat, because he really likes the chicken noodle soup on Thursdays at the Martin de Porres House of Hospitality.

- He drives the speed limit in the left lane of the highway.

- He celebrated each home run of his career by adopting a dog from a homeless shelter and then sacrificing it to his personal god named Oswaldo.

- He doesn’t kick over kids’ sand castles at the beach, he builds a bigger one and then doesn’t let them play with it.

- He’s the guy who scratched your Netflix DVD.

Related posts:

  1. I hate Barry Bonds.
  2. Barry Bonds Ruined My Weekend
  3. The Pinnacle of Human Achievement