What Tiger Woods Is Thinking Tonight

2007 April 7
by CajoleJuice

Man, what a fucking joke. I can’t buy a par on the last two holes of this damn course, yet I’m only a shot behind. And the guy in front of me is named Stuart. He’s done for. A triple-bogey on 17? I knew that shit was coming, though. When I can’t handle a couple of holes, a mere mortal isn’t going to get out anywhere near even. And who is this Justin Rose guy tied with me? …Oh wow, Wikipedia says he won the Australian Masters. That’s really impressive for a guy with such a pussy last name.

And where’s Phil? I was looking forward to personally embarrassing him tomorrow. If we were partners, he’d try to keep up with me and end up slamming drives into spectators’ faces. I hope he’s been practicing putting the jacket on a mannequin or something. Although, he already had to do it once in 2005, so he knows how it goes. I’m still pissed I had to put the green jacket over his man-tit infested body last year. Man, he is disgusting. How the hell did he win two Masters?

God, my wife is so fucking hot. I know Dad is so proud of me.

I wonder if Smoltzy is up for playing a round on Monday. That could help pad my Masters’ winnings. I could use a new HDTV. Only him and Mike are crazy enough to bet with me while playing golf. Even I’m not stupid enough to bring money into the equation when I shoot hoops with Mike. Smoltzy will probably be feeling good (which means he’ll be loose with his money…) if Atlanta manages to beat the Mets again tomorrow. That’ll be a little tougher for the Braves than it will be for me to decimate the field tomorrow, though. I’m 3-over for the tournament and I’m only a stroke behind. Golfers are so pathetic. My dad really knew what he was doing in unleashing the power of a black man on the game of golf. And I’m only a quarter African-American. Hell, I made up that retarded “Cablinasian” term and people ate it up. People are so stupid.

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