Somewhat Manly Nerd

I figure this is as good a time as any to come up with a huge list of things again. It’s Thanksgiving, people.

I’m thankful for:

Seeing my hammered friend slowly walk up to a couple of high school girls with his arms held up in a muscle pose on Thanksgiving Eve.
My innate ability to be better than most of you at video games.
Receiving a NES when I was 3 years old — maybe that’s why I am an XBLA savant.
Daft Punk doing the TRON: Legacy soundtrack.
Dogs bringing a smile to my face every time I see one.
David Foster Wallace’s essay collections.
Chobani Greek Yogurt which I could eat all day to sustain me like Michael Westen on Burn Notice.
Baseball stats that allow me to prove people wrong when they spout garbage.
Having a working penis.
Growing up in a town with four seasons, near both near a coast and a world-class city.
Christopher Nolan putting out a blockbuster every couple of a years that I enjoy.
My bank account having money in it.
The wonder that is air travel, for at least one reason.
Netflix Instant Watch being an amazing service.
Rex Ryan and Mark Sanchez living up to the hype of Hard Knocks.
25 mph over the speed limit being the cruising speed on the Southern State Parkway.
The increasing prevalence of Wi-Fi hotspots.
Having a multitude of friends going all the way back to elementary school.
Alcohol making everything more entertaining.
Being a kid before dodgeball was banned from schools, allowing me to throw big balls in kids’ faces.
Never experiencing any serious health-related hardship.
David Wright, a player who has given the Mets 36 wins of value already in his career.
All the food I will be having this extended weekend, starting today.
Tyler Clippard winning 11 games last season, most of them for my roto fantasy team.
Having working plumbing and a toilet for reading magazines on.
Apple for HAHA just kidding.
Still having some semblance of sanity.

Note: It’s funny how I wrote this post right as the TSA shit seems to be hitting the fan, but I won’t bother to comment on that here.

It took me far too long to watch this film. When it was first announced, I thought it was a disgusting exploitation of 9/11 or some similarly moronic teenage bullshit. I realize now how much of an idiot I was. I should have listened to not just the critics that lauded the film, but fellow internet denizens who absolutely loved it.

It is impossible for me to imagine a better film to chronicle the events of 9/11 than United 93. I haven’t seen World Trade Center and have no plans to, but Oliver Stone shouldn’t have even been allowed near the subject matter after this film already existed (a Twitter buddy pointed out that Stone shouldn’t be allowed near anything). Yeah, you could focus a story around the firefighters and policemen down at Ground Zero, but even United 93 sufficiently touched upon the feelings we had when we saw those terrifying images of the Twin Towers.

No matter what you might think of Paul Greengrass’ two Bourne films, the shaky-cam aesthetic works flawlessly here. Everything in the movie is happening in real-time, and Greengrass does a masterful job of putting you there right in the middle of the events.

Outside of some establishing scenes in the very beginning, the entire film takes place within air control centers, NORAD, and the eponymous flight. The film reminded me a bit of Apollo 13 in that sense, only the latter is typical Ron Howard melodramatic sap (still a good movie), while United 93 is far more restrained, yet still devastatingly affecting.

I’m not the first person to have this thought: “If United 93 was Schindler’s List, then World Trade Center would be Apollo 13.” That analogy might be a bit off, but I think you get it. Really, wouldn’t Saving Private Ryan in Apollo 13‘s spot make more sense in that analogy? But like me, the reviewer no doubt wanted to namedrop Apollo 13.

Which brings me to another (perhaps unfair) point: United 93 consists of mostly unknown actors. I recognized one, maybe two, people in the entire film. It’s not like Tom Hanks is the hero on the flight that rallies other passengers to storm the cockpit; nor is Nicholas Cage running around the rubble of the World Trade Center with a ridiculous mustache. The low-budget nature of the film allows it to feel more authentic by not pulling you out of the moment with an actor you’ve seen flying fighter jets or playing a international secret agent before. You feel as if these truly could have been the people on the flight, or the ones trying to make sense of the madness down on the ground.

It is through these people on the ground, in the control rooms, that Greengrass allows the viewer to re-experience the attacks of 9/11. It seems a bit strange that the National Air Traffic Control Center or NORAD wouldn’t realize what happened before they turn on CNN, but the film does allege to recreate the events as accurately as possible, and it’s those all-too-familiar television images that immediately evoke the feelings of that day. The controllers first seem nonplussed at the idea of a hijacked plane and then stand in disbelief and confusion once footage of the first attack comes up on the big screen. I immediately thought of my 10th grade history class, where another teacher came in the class and said something about a plane hitting the top of the Twin Towers; no one thought much of it, thinking it had to be some sort of freak accident with a small plane.

It wasn’t until another plane was hijacked that some sense of the exception situation sunk in, and I have to imagine everyone involved knew what was happening once that second plane took its course at downtown Manhattan. Nine years later, I still felt a twinge of dread watching it fly towards its final destination in the middle of the World Trade Center’s South Tower. It was something I didn’t see live. In fact, I didn’t know anything past the initial accident until I walked into my English class and my bit-of-a-hardass, middle-aged female teacher was visibly upset. I remember her trying her best not to cry — but failing miserably — while informing us the Twin Towers were gone. Totally gone.

But what I didn’t know at the point, and not until I got home at the very earliest, was that one flight had been stopped from reaching its intended target. It was a small victory on a tragic day, and United 93 chronicles it soberly and beautifully. The people on that flight didn’t want to die, but they knew — from being relayed information about the attacks through loved ones — that they were on a suicide missile. While most of the events on the plane probably had to be imagined, and it was a bit comical to have the one appeaser on the flight not be American (and unfair to the memory of the man who the character is based on), there’s nothing that stands out as unbelievable.

I don’t think any of the people on the flight would have characterized their actions as especially brave; they undoubtedly saw storming the cockpit as their only course of action, much like the New York City firemen who sacrificed their lives in the Twin Towers. But they were brave, and in their final moments, these regular people became heroes that deserved to be remembered as they are portrayed in this film.

I already wrote about the beauty of stupidity in slow-motion 3D over at Roto Hardball, but I naturally want to expand my thoughts over here.

If Avatar was an attempt to show how 3D can be used skillfully in a massive production to add depth and wonder to an otherwise shallow experience, Jackass 3D is a blueprint on how to make a gimmick movie twice as entertaining to watch. Avatar is directed very well by James Cameron, with some beautiful shots of the fictional world of Pandora and its absurd flora and fauna, and easy-to-follow action scenes. Jackass 3D is shot like its television predecessor, other than the opening and closing bits (which feature the most impressive 3D action of the movie), but the 3D manages to make every stunt and stupid activity that much more hilarious or terrifying. And the latter seems like a much more efficient use of 3D.

James Cameron spent hundreds of millions of dollars to create the 3D technology needed to shoot the Avatar film he had always imagined. I can’t say it was a dumb decision, considering he made all his money back and more (and it got my ass in the theater), but I can’t see the technology holding the same pull in the coming years. I don’t want to put on glasses every time I sit down in a theater to watch a blockbuster movie.

On that note, I’m ecstatic that Christopher Nolan eschewed from filming in 3D for The Dark Knight Returns, choosing to go back to the IMAX well. Yeah, I might have had a painful experience when I attended a domed IMAX screening of The Dark Knight, but the added clarity due to the massive resolution of IMAX film is truly incredible — it makes a regular film look blurry in comparison. I just need to go to a regular IMAX theater or sit further towards the back next time.

Getting back to Jackass 3D, stunts like throwing shoes into the exhaust of a jet engine or climbing up a tree and then cutting it down were greatly enhanced by the 3D effect. The speed at which objects flew once they were tossed behind the jet engine was ridiculously intimidating. When one of the guys ran out of way in pure fear, I could understand, as I was scared just sitting in my seat. Although, I actually wanted to participate in the tree cutting bit. Being on top of a 40 foot tree while it falls into snow piled a dozen feet high looked way too fun to be truly dangerous. But I thought the most transcendent experience was watching Bam Margera punch people in the face in slow-motion 3D to the Rocky theme. Sometimes it’s the simple things.

Of course, there were the usual nauseating Steve-O bits, Johnny Knoxville bull escapades, and Chris Pontius penis utilization. Oh, and first-person urination — where the penis is the person. It’s the same Jackass you’ve always loved or hated, only now with an added dimension to make the action a bit more exciting and disgusting. I’m sure you could argue that the 3D doesn’t really add much, but it’s not like there’s any thoughtful cinematography that is ruined by the forced depth-of-field; nor is there that added darkness which some people complain about with 3D movies.

Maybe going on Bargain Tuesday and paying only $6 for a 3D movie instead of $13 has clouded my judgement, but I don’t think you can go wrong with going to see Jackass 3D if you at all enjoyed its predecessors. Unfortunately, this post is probably too late for those of you that haven’t seen it. So I guess you’ll have to buy a 3D HDTV. They’re not insanely expensive or anything.

I’m going to be the resident “Man of Links” over at Roto Hardball, a new fantasy baseball blog over at SB Nation. Not that I’ll stop posting on here, or even really change my frequency. It’s not like I’ve been writing too much here recently anyway, or ever about fantasy baseball.

Well, except that one post analyzing my drafts a couple of years ago. I can’t believe I remember that.

But yeah, if you play fantasy baseball, you should check out Roto Hardball. This advice may only apply to a couple of my friends who read this blog infrequently, but it’s going to be a sweet blog and hopefully a fun community. SB Nation’s blogging tools are incredibly awesome. I knew WordPress wasn’t the end-all-be-all, but fuck, I could spend hours just messing around with SB Nation’s tools. Search the AP Photo database! Auto-tag and link player and team names! Embed polls! Save links with notes using your a “clipper” bookmark for later easy insertion into posts! Add a sports data widget!

First thing other than drinking that’s made me happy in a long time. Well, watching Spaced made me happy, too.

But I’ll leave my gushing about this UK television series for another post.

I do have a question, though: Does the asymmetrical Roto Hardball logo bother anyone else? I didn’t say anything to the editor because I figured I’m just crazy.

The 2010 MLB season ended with Tim Lincecum — all 5’11″, 165 pounds of him — being hoisted up by his San Francisco Giants teammates. In a season where Roy Halladay threw both a perfect game and a postseason no-hitter, and where Cliff Lee’s command was quite possibly the best in baseball history, Lincecum was the last pitcher standing. You can’t start a pitching career much better than Big Time Timmy Jim has. In three and a half seasons, Lincecum has won two Cy Youngs, lead the league in strikeouts three straight years, and helped pitch his team to a World Series title. He even beat the formerly-unbeatable Cliff Lee twice in the World Series.

But Lincecum had some help from the rest of the Giants’ historic pitching staff. Along with Matt Cain, Jonathan Sanchez, Madison Bumgarner, and even Barry Zito, the Giants went on an unparalleled run in the last two months of the season. They allowed 2.31 runs per 9 innings. The entire staff. So the bullpen gets some credit, too. But the postseason is where the top four really stepped up. It wasn’t too impressive when they shut down the Braves, but then they shut down the Phillies, and then the Rangers. The Giants rode their horses and managed to get production from the unlikeliest of places. Cody Ross hit two home runs in one game off of Roy Halladay. Edgar Renteria hit two home runs in the World Series. Buster Posey stepped up in every series, making everyone forget who Jason Heyward is.  Hot streaks might not truly have predictive value, but goddamn if the Giants weren’t the hottest team I’ve seen in a long time. Good pitching, timely hitting — that’s the name of the game. You can’t plan for the timely hitting, but the Giants sure planned for the good pitching.

It’s the perfect finale to what was already referred to as The Year of the Pitcher more times than there are atoms in the universe. Maybe there was something to it after all. Or maybe the Yankees are going to come back next year and pummel everyone into oblivion. After making sure to buy Cliff Lee — even if he’s been proven human.

MLB on FOX Theme

Unless you’re a Cablevision customer or not a baseball fan, you’ve noticed that FOX has replaced this theme with their NFL on FOX theme (which I won’t even link here). It’s one thing to move on from a sports theme you’ve used for years; it’s another thing to replace it with a well-known theme associated with an entirely different sport. It’s not like this theme is amazingly iconic like the NBA on NBC or NHL on ESPN themes, but it’s total garbage to condition your audience to expect to see a football stadium and/or Terry Bradshaw making an ass of himself after hearing a certain minute of music, only to be greeted by the terrifying faces of Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. I can only imagine how confused a thick-headed football fan would be after such a traumatic experience.

Perhaps FOX figured this would be the best time to make their NFL theme their universal sports theme, seeing as the bigger issue at the moment is millions of New Yorkers not being able to watch the World Series. Although, Cablevision now says you can order the MLB.TV World Series package and they’ll refund your $10. Classy move. Unfortunately, while it seems like News Corp. is being the more unreasonable of the two companies, Cablevision is going to be the one to suffer in this dispute, as customers are just going to start switching to Verizon, DirecTV, etc. On the other hand, it’s not like I can feel sorry for any hardship endured by James Dolan. So yeah, everyone just switch. I can vouch for the greatness of FiOS, at the very least.

Pro-tip: If your show is actually a buddy-”cop” procedural, don’t advertise it as if it’s actually a show about the dog from Frasier. And yeah, maybe the name makes sense after watching the show for a few episodes, but you have to take the uninitiated into account.

It’s unfortunate that the best show of this television season is getting 1/10th the viewers of The Event, but even Shawn Ryan — one of Terriers‘ producers, and creator of The Shield — admits he screwed up. On the other hand, maybe he didn’t think FX would go full out in their attempt to fool the public about the premise of the show. So all fans of the show can do now is post shit on Twitter or write blog posts to convince people to give the show a shot.

Another problem just might be FX’s fanbase. Look at the rest of lineup: Sons of Anarchy, Justified, Rescue Me, Archer, Louie, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, and the upcoming Lights Out (which looks like a TV cross between Rocky and Raging Bull). Most of these are very obvious appeals to the 18-35 testerorone-fueled demographic. The Shield, the show that put FX on the map, pretty much formed the blueprint. I’m not going to distance myself from such a group — as I watch and love almost of FX’s shows — but Terriers is definitely a beat or two away from badass bikers or loose-cannon cops kicking ass and breaking laws, or oblivious sociopaths wreaking havoc.

The two main characters on Terriers are probably two of better human beings the network has ever featured — particularly Hank, played by Donal Logue. A genuinely compassionate character who cares about both friends and strangers? And a sidekick (but don’t call him that!) who has given up a life of petty crime to team up with him in the private eye business? It sure is a nice break from protagonists that intentionally kill people or at the very least intentionally ruin others’ lives. Louie would be the other exception, but that just features the hilariously miserable bastard that is Louis C.K.

That’s not to say that Terriers is some light-hearted show that is completely divergent in tone from the rest of FX’s lineup. It delves into some dark subject matter, like alcoholism, drug abuse, murder, adultery, suicide — the type of stuff you’d imagine a couple of television P.I.s would get themselves into. And as likeable and good-natured as Hank and his friend Britt are, they aren’t exactly law-abiding citizens. They do just about anything to finish the job, which can include breaking into houses, stealing information, or lying about anything and everything.

But the show separates itself by deriving its humor not from its characters being moronic assholes, but from the sharp, clever writing showcased in the interactions between Hank and Britt. The show is also shot better than any other show on the network other than arguably Louie. And the performance from Logue — playing a character dealing with the need to stay sober, divorce, and a sick sister — is nothing short of fantastic.

Terriers is also more of a procedural than the rest of the FX drama lineup, which lends itself to viewers jumping in whenever they want. What I’m getting at here is that you should start watching the show in whatever way you can. Of course, I recommend starting from the pilot, but the standalone cases are amusing and interesting enough from week to week to entertain any viewer. So get on it.

Wednesdays at 10 pm on FX. Apparently they are showing repeats on Tuesdays at 11 pm, too.

Oh, and its theme song is the catchiest on the network outside of Louie‘s. I can’t help whistling it randomly.

Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross – A Familiar Taste

This is my way of talking about The Social Network without dedicating a post to a pitiful attempt at being a film critic. I think this song is indicative of just how cool this David Fincher-Aaron Sorkin collaboration is. It’s a movie fueled by a fantastic soundtrack by Reznor and Ross, a non-stop script from Sorkin, and ingenious directing by Fincher. All the components come together to form the quickest two hours you’ll spend in a theater this year.

Yeah, Facebook is the backdrop for the action in the film, but it’s not what drives it. The movie is about a quest for importance — for coolness. It’s about a kid who was smart enough to take an idea and bring it to its inevitable end. Facebook almost does seem like an end, doesn’t it? If the end of the Cold War was the “end of history”, Facebook is the end of the anonymous internet — at least in the sense that neither is really true, but can easily be seen that way. ANYWAY…

Fincher brilliantly flips back and forth between the creation of Facebook and two depositions of the lawsuits it spawned, splicing together sentences, contrasting excitement with irritation, and chronicling the destruction of a friendship both in real-time and in retrospect. I haven’t even mentioned Jesse Eisenberg’s performance of Mark Zuckerberg, which will probably become the way most people imagine the youngest billionaire on the planet. It’s probably not fair nor intelligent to take the film as any sort of documentary, but it’s impossible not to be sucked in. Everything seems so damn believable, from Zuckerberg blogging about his ex-girlfriend (apparently actually true) while creating a website to rank Harvard girls in his spiteful mood, to the way he’s lured in by the magnetic personality of Sean Parker portrayed by Justin Timberlake*, to the arrogant way he dismisses any claims of wrongdoing. As online communities continue to evolve, many adults also explore casual sex sites to connect with like-minded people who share similar dating preferences. As social network are important and now a days you can even meet girls online in sites like Freesextingapp.com online.

It’s just an immaculately crafted movie, and the critics calling it some “defining movie of this generation” aren’t too far off. I never, ever thought I would say that going in. David Fincher is back.

*Seriously, Justin Timberlake’s performance was great. If you told me 10 years ago that some kid from N’Sync would be a good actor, and that Ben Affleck would be an arguably great director, I would have expected you to think a black dude was going to be president, too.

I always found the following lyrics that close Nine Inch Nails – “I Do Not Want This” to be pretty spot-on. Maybe they’ve only popped back into my head due to listening to The Social Network soundtrack recently (which is fucking incredible, by the way). Trent Reznor is one talented motherfucker.

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

Does it really need explaining?

But it got me to thinking; I thought about how I would break it down into my personal components. I feel overwhelmed with how many different things I would love to do at any point in time and I end up deciding on none of them. Sometimes this is due to laziness; other times, depression. Right now, I’m going to lean towards the latter. It’s hard to focus on anything when you are just not happy in the slightest. I blame the long waits between rounds of MLB playoffs. I haven’t watched a game since Monday! So depressing.

Of the things that populate this list, some aren’t serious, some are very unlikely, some are impossible — and it’s certainly impossible to do all of them. Some things are simple activities, others are lifelong ventures. Some things are general, others are arbitrarily specific. Some things are just emotional and behavioral traits that I wish were different. But they are all things that crowd my head and fill me with disappointment when it comes to not accomplishing any of them. And this list definitely isn’t all-inclusive.

I want to:

Read every halfway decent book.
Watch every film Armond White has given a negative review.
Learn how to play Go.
Solve every crossword puzzle.
Play through every acclaimed video game.
Be better than you at every multiplayer video game.
Create an iPhone app.
Travel to every country the average person actually knows.
Live in numerous cities.
Write in my journal each night Doug-style.
Attend an Olympics.
Be closer with my friends and family.
See the Earth from space.
Take beautiful pictures.
Fall painfully in love again.
Experience a World Cup firsthand.
Accumulate a million Twitter followers.
Write a book.
Decimate my carbon footprint.
Upload a video to YouTube that subsequently goes viral.
Pen a movie script.
Learn to dance well.
Donate and volunteer more.
Run a 5K in 24 minutes.
Master Photoshop.
Keep abreast of every development and breakthrough in science.
Try stand-up comedy.
Listen to every well-known album.
Game the stock market.
Become a monster at chess.
Eat at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
Blog everyday.
Stop being a moronic poker player.
Formulate some semblance of a coherent worldview.
Bang everyone’s mom — and well.
Learn to draw and paint.
Frustrate people with my Scrabble ability.
Peruse every influential newspaper and magazine.
Check out every beloved television show.
Pick up the guitar.
Let go of pointless regrets.
Keep up with every interesting blog.
Build a PC.
Not care what anyone thinks.
Watch every important sporting event.
Hustle douchebags at pool and darts.
Learn a bunch of languages.
Initiate conversation effortlessly with anyone.
Memorize dozens of mixed drinks.
Become a scratch golfer.
Get awesome at tennis.
Run a Major League baseball team.
Taste every beer and wine and spirit.
Be able to discuss politics intelligently.
Buy a front-row seat to the final of every major sport.
Have the ability to bust out 100 pushups in a row.
Develop some sense of style.
Learn to cook awesome shit.
Get a chance to start over.

And I want to do all these things while getting at least seven hours of sleep a night.