Masturbating Black Dude
Oh, if only Conan could get away with having the characters he used to…
Maybe I should add this to my “Crazy Black People” post.
Fuck barbers. Every time I’ve gone to one, I’ve gotten a shitty haircut. Not to mention that one time the barber pretty much Hellraiser’d me, and I was bleeding all over the goddamn place. Give me some hot older woman anytime.
The Dark Knight on Blu-ray will be the best-selling piece of software for the PS3 this year.
The next person who tries to say the poker scene in Casino Royale was good gets an angry internet telegram complete with a kick to the balls. The last hand was more improbable than Pierce Brosnan windsurfing up a cliff, or whatever the fuck happened in that scene in Die Another Day.
Every year, I try to convince myself that I’ll get really into the football season, but the passion never materializes. If Brett Favre can’t do it, who can?
The same thing goes for the basketball season. But in my defense, no one wants to be a Knicks fan. Just look what they drove Isiah Thomas to. Oh wait, it’s mostly his fault that they’re a disaster.
More proof that Borders blows ass: I ordered Absolute Watchmen off their website in JULY since it was the only place I could find selling it and also because I had a 30% off coupon. But then once I ordered, it said “backorder”. Next thing I know, it’s October, I haven’t heard a peep from Borders, and I see Absolute Watchmen for sale on Amazon for even cheaper than what I paid at Borders.com (coupon included). Naturally, I order it on Amazon. I just got notice that it shipped from Amazon yesterday. I still haven’t heard anything from Borders. They have to be worse than AIDS. I can’t wait to cancel my order once Watchmen hits my doorstep.
Leave it to the guys behind It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia to make Sinbad and Rob Thomas hilarious. I think the last time Sinbad was funny was in the modern holiday classic Jingle All The Way.
What little gaming I’ve done in the past two months has been limited to cheap downloadable games and demos, and nothing has impressed me more than the demo for Mirror’s Edge. I never thought first-person platforming could be pulled off so ingeniously. When the hell did EA become so creative?
This entire post was just an excuse to post the hottest Little Red Riding Hood ever:
Kate Beckinsale wins Halloween. Flawless victory.
In case you didn’t know, Left 4 Dead is the upcoming game from Valve, the prince of PC gaming (Blizzard is the king). Everything Valve makes is pretty much awesome, so I have little reason to doubt that L4D will be as well. Who doesn’t like killing zombies? If you haven’t already, I highly recommend pre-ordering on Steam, since you get access to the demo on November 6th. Oh, you’re going to buy it on 360? Have fun not getting any updates like with Team Fortress 2.
Anyhow, here’s the intro video:
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You can find the HD version here: http://store.steampowered.com/app/5141/
I think I could get used to just posting videos. I can’t see myself wasting time on writing much the upcoming week, so I’m just going to utilize vodpod to take movies from all over the internet and plaster them on here. Not like I have any baseball to talk about anymore. Fucking Phillies.
Warren Zevon – Werewolves of London
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No explanation or commentary needed.
My opinion of this year’s World Series:
In 2006, the Tigers went from a 71-91 the previous season to the playoffs. This year, the Rays went from last place at 66-96 to a AL East division crown. The 2006 Tigers took down the Yankees on their way to the World Series. The 2008 Rays held off an epic 3-1 comeback by the Red Sox to reach the World Series. They both went on to lose the World Series in five games, to an NL team I DEFINITELY DID NOT want to see win a championship. Fuck everything.
I’ve mentioned before how I didn’t want the Rays to end up like the Tigers. Maybe I should’ve known history would repeat itself, but I thought they were better. They managed to be on top of the best division in baseball at the end of the regular season. They kept their shit together in Game 7 of the ALCS, when everyone thought they were done (including me). But then their bats went colder than Jose Reyes at the end of the 2007 season.
And that’s my awful segue into how embarrassed the Mets should feel right now. Everybody already hated them, and now the entire NL East is laughing at them. The past two years, they’ve been the prohibitive favorite to win the NL East, and both years they’ve choked in dramatic fashion. Meanwhile, the Phillies have quietly gotten better each year and have now reached the point the Mets have thought they deserved the past few years. Maybe this year the Mets will actually come out with a chip on their shoulder, instead of thinking that have the God-given right to a pennant. I try not to get into this type of intangible shit, but it’s impossible not to if you’ve watched the Mets the past few years. Goddamn it.
Getting back to what just transpired on my television set, I still can’t believe it was real. That wasn’t really the World Series, right? We didn’t just have another shit finale to the season, one which was delayed both by rain and a presidential candidate who already has the election wrapped up. And Brad Lidge did not just have a perfect season. Now I have to hear about Jimmy Rollins the whole offseason. FUCK. ME.
Hey the Knicks are going to be better this season, right?
*looks at basketball scoreboard*
Holy shit! They won! Isiah should try to kill himself and then say it was his daughter more often.
If you know me, you know I waste too much time on the internet. But I at least try to pass the best parts along to the people I know. It makes me feel better, or some crap like that.
Let’s start off with probably the least interesting site: Amazon Windowshop Beta
It has potential, but right now I end up seeing shit I don’t wish to be subjected to, such as Kenny Chesney and Toby Keith. This is due to Windowshop only displaying new releases and bestsellers. So since half of America has shit taste in music (and sports, and presidential candidates), sane people have to suffer. I think the site will improve 500% once you are able to link your Amazon account to the site. I don’t get why that isn’t the deal now.
Next is something that should’ve been done years ago: MTV Music
Come to think of it, it was done years ago. Only it was on television instead of the internet. And then it was done on YouTube. So why am I even posting about it? Maybe to show that MTV hasn’t completely forgotten what that acronym stands for.
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I saw a few posts today about this site launching, and one headline said “Every Music Video Ever”, which couldn’t be further from the truth. While I was able to find the above awesome video — quite possibly my favorite growing up — the site doesn’t even have Soundgarden’s most famous music video. That would be the one for “Black Hole Sun” if you are a dumb teenager. That is EPIC FAIL. YouTube quite obviously beats the shit out of this site, even with its horrendous quality.
I have left Pete Rose’s wet dream for last: One Season
A site where you trade professional athletes like stocks. And it’s legal. And not officially gambling. It’s all based on a free market system driven by supply and demand! Sound implausible? Why do you think the stock market is a joke right now? It’s the same fucking thing. Only instead of investing in companies run by corrupt pieces of shit, you can now invest in players that take steroids and have illegitimate children across the country. You even get $10 free to start out with! Sign me up, please.
Led Zeppelin – The Rain Song
If I think of a song (one that I enjoy listening to) about umpires being morons, I’ll post it. For now, I’ll just go with Zeppelin. Can’t go wrong with them.
With a small family gathering occurring yesterday, and with politics being a hot topic, I figured I’d show off the power of the internet. I basically had to administer the quiz for my grandparents, but the rest of the family managed. I could have predicted the majority of these results, but it was interesting anyhow.
Grandpa: 71% McCain
No surprise here. My grandpa might have ran across McCain in Korea somewhere. They are basically the same guy. But I’m pretty sure my grandpa is more intelligent.
Grandma: 73% Barr
I didn’t see this coming, but I didn’t know Barr was a pro-life Libertarian. Maybe because I didn’t know those could exist. Next thing, I’ll find out that a Philly sports fan can be a good human being.
Aunt: 80% Nader
Apparently, my late uncle liked Nader. I guess my aunt couldn’t help being convinced of the logic of Nader.
Dad: 71% McCain
“Like father, like son” holds true here. But not in my case, I guess.
Mom: 65% Obama
She also got 64% McCain. I don’t know how the hell she swung that. Maybe she hates gays and loves immigrants?
So looking at those results, I don’t think you can get much more varied than my close family.
I thought the retarded Braves fan contingent was limited to rednecks who like doing the Tomahawk Chop. Thank you crazy black girl, for proving me wrong.
I always thought those Family Guy skits and YTMNDs making fun of Bill Cosby were exaggerations. I guess I was wrong, yet again.
And to prove I’m not totally racist, here’s a video of white people being dumb.
And I thought competitive cup stacking was ridiculous.
Many of my thoughts were evidently proven wrong by these videos. My world is shaken.
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