Two Votes???

2010 February 3

You gotta be fucking kidding me. What, are Americans not visiting my site anymore? IT’S THE SUPER BOWL!! VOTE IN THE GODDAMN POLL! The Colts have Peyton Manning on the field, the Saints have Kim Kardashian in the luxury box. The Colts have Reggie Wayne in the slot, and the Saints have Reggie Bush in the backfield. Who ya got?

Maybe it would get more action if it were about the rejected gay dating site ad or Tim Tebow’s anti-abortion commercial? Or perhaps a “Who would be the best Super Bowl performer” poll. That’s actually a good one, but how would I even narrow that down? But I give you an easy poll and you just ignore it, so I don’t know what to think.

I’m not going to look at my blog for a few days — when I come back on Friday, I better see at least…6 votes!

The Best Thing In My Last Weekend Links Post

2010 February 3
by CajoleJuice

Belated Weekend Links – 2/1/10

2010 February 2

I’m doing my best to keep up with this!

On the Shoulders of Giants: A Compilation – Lookout Landing takes a shitton of sabermetric primers and explanations and puts them into one massive post. Oh my God.

Bloomberg Sports: Professional Tool – Fangraphs provides some screenshots of what looks like the most intensive tool for player tracking baseball has ever seen.

The iPad provides the ultimate browser experience? – Examples of websites that won’t work on the iPad’s browser, due to not supporting Flash (which admittedly does suck).

iPad About – Stephen Fry gives his glowing thoughts on the iPad. Yes, I’m linking to positive thoughts about the iPad. I’m attempting to be fair and balanced!

Selleck Waterfall Sandwich – Random awesomeness. Maybe it’s more awesome for me since I’ve bought my dad pretty much every season of Magnum P.I. on DVD.

My Thoughts on the Apple iPad

2010 January 27
by CajoleJuice

LOL Brett Favre

2010 January 25

Brett Favre’s last throw as a Falcon: INT
Brett Favre’s last throw as a Packer: INT
Brett Favre’s last legal throw as a Jet: INT
Brett Favre’s (possible) last throw as a Viking: INT
Brett Favre’s tears: Priceless

Of course, I use “throw” instead of “pass” for a reason. 7 on 7 flag football misdirection plays are so good to outsmart the other team. It’s amazing how he waited until the LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT to become vintage Favre. Throwing across the field for NO REASON. Absolutely tremendous.

I guess I’ll comment on the AFC Championship Game a bit, considering my team somehow made their way into it. Up until the two minute warning in the first half, the Jets were actually looking REALLY good. The Colts couldn’t score a touchdown, and Mark Sanchez was playing as well as he had played all season. His second touchdown pass of the half was really impressive, with him stepping into the throw right as a guy slammed him into the ground. I was at full mast at that point. Unfortunately, Peyton Manning then activated God Mode and was pretty much unstoppable for the rest of the 32 minutes.

There are probably plenty of people out there that don’t like him for whatever reason — and it’s not like I love him — but the guy is quite possibly the greatest quarterback of all-time. I don’t want Tom Brady to end up with more Super Bowl rings than him, I really don’t. And that’s why I’ll be rooting for the Colts in the Super Bowl. Yes, the Colts are fucking pansies for not going for the undefeated season, but the Jets had their chance to totally embarrass them for maximum hilarity today and they didn’t. Now the Super Bowl is just a matchup between the two best teams this year, and I think Manning will prove that he deserves that second ring.

Of course, the last time I made a post talking about someone being the best of all-time at something, he fucking lost. So whatever.

Weekend Links – 1/24/10

2010 January 25

Only two weeks in-between “Weekend Links” posts — I’m impressed with myself.

Venturing Down Ballot Once Again, Part I and Part II – 3:10ToJoba examines the biggest screwjobs in MVP voting history, with Cal Ripken Jr. taking the prize as most royally screwed. Let’s remember, he wasn’t “The Iron Man” yet!

New York Post Mets Back Pages – Amazin’ Avenue reminds you why the Post is the most entertaining paper in the city — even though it’s barely a legitimate newspaper.

Official Brett Favre Depreciation Thread – Easily one of the best threads on GAF. Every time Brett Favre ends his career with a team with an interception, it gets bumped. Every time he retires or un-retires, it’s bumped. It will never die.

The Dogs Who Ride Trains – In Soviet Russia, dog rides you! No really, though, how goddamn cool is this? Dogs are the absolute fucking best.

The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes – I don’t even find some of these cheesy, but there’s enough greatness here to warrant the full 10 minutes. It’s no THE WIRE – 100 Greatest Quotes, though (by the same guy). Perhaps I should have given this it’s own post, since it’s a video, but I told myself I need at least five links.

Late Addition: NBC Will Regret Appeasing Leno – The Wall Street Journal compares NBC to Neville Chamberlain and Jay Leno to Adolf Hitler. That leaves Conan as Czechoslovakia. You won’t read anything more awesome this week.

Conan’s Last Tonight Show

2010 January 25

I’m just going to embed the Hulu video of the last Tonight Show I’ll ever watch.

This is how I watched it. Yes, I missed the final Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien after making multiple posts about the whole NBC trainwreck the past two weeks; I am officially part of the problem. I chose a girl over Conan. I chose wrong. For penance, I will watch at least a whole month of Conan’s late-night show on FOX — and if not that, whatever he does next.

There’s not much I can say about this final show — you just need to watch it. You need to watch the montage and Steve Carell’s exit interview and Neil Young’s performance and Conan’s farewell speech and the closing Freebird rockout. Only Conan would end his show that way.

Your Chuck Song of the Week

2010 January 20
by CajoleJuice

Spoon – Got Nuffin

I’ve mentioned Chuck a couple of times on here; it’s a show that seems to love showcasing indie bands with its song selection, but most of the time it’s pretty spot-on, as evidenced by this song. I enjoy the show, but it’s definitely a guilty pleasure — what with its pop culture references that mostly fall within the nerd spectrum, and also many hot girl-on-girl fights with ridiculous sound effects. Spoon also ties into CONAN, since they were on last night. It’s a shame they totally sucked. I’ll stick to listen to the songs I love on their studio albums, like this one.

Yes, Conan Is Still Doing The Tonight Show This Week

2010 January 20

I’ll kick off the post by once again directing you to Gawker.tv, like every other post I’ve made on this topic. The highlight of tonight had to be Norm McDonald’s surprise appearance on The Tonight Show.

The following is an AMAZING video compiling great moments from Conan rallies.

And an amazing GIF to go along with it:

This is me not even trying to write anything in this post and just filling up space with videos and GIFs, it seems, because now I’m going to post a YouTube video that will forever be the definite history of this NBC fiasco.

Andddd I’m done.

I Read Books Sometimes – 1/20/10

2010 January 20

The Hardball Times Annual 2010

This is a bit obvious, but this book is only for hardcore baseball fans. Half of the book is writing, but the other half is STATS STATS STATS — mostly stats that you can get online. So really, the only part worth talking about is the writing, and what’s there is pretty great. But once again, I enjoyed the “Analysis” section the most and I can only see that appealing to major eggheads. Championship Leverage Index, Hit Tracker, PitchFX — I can’t see the typical fan in the stands to be interested in this stuff, but I absolutely eat it up. This is why I read Fangraphs and bought The Book and create Excel spreadsheets with WAR data.

Fahrenheit 451

Such a quick read that it’s practically a novella. Ray Bradbury is just a brisk read, going by this book and The Martian Chronicles, and I appreciate that. Fahrenheit 451 is a very straight-forward story, one whose themes have been prevalent in plenty of books and movies and TV shows and whatever since, but it still manages to be pretty interesting. The theme of people just wanting to be happy and watching TV all around them on their parlor walls sort of reminds me of Idiocracy, but I’d say 451 is a few notches above that ridiculously bad movie on the quality ladder. I have to say that the reason WHY books are all being burned in that dystopian future was the most surprising and thought-provoking aspect, when compared to other dystopian novels like 1984 and Brave New World that seem to think the ultimate destruction of society will come from the top-down. It’s a classic for a reason — just read it.

A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again

Probably the most fun I’ve had reading in a long, long time. Now I understand why people were flipping out when news of David Foster Wallace’s suicide came out. The guy is a fucking genius and an absolute joy to read. He writes about tennis, television, a state fair, Lost Highway (an essay I admittedly decided not to read until I watch Lost Highway), and a Caribbean cruise all with the same enthusiasm and emotional sincerity, all with the same amazingly fun prose and insight. Even all his footnotes are immensely entertaining — and he likes footnotes.

This tennis essay is part of this essay collection, and it’s the best piece of sportswriting I’ve ever read. The original title was “Tennis Player Michael Joyce’s Professional Artistry as a Paradigm of Certain Stuff about Choice, Freedom, Discipline, Joy, Grotesquerie, and Human Completeness.” I guess that was too long for the Esquire website. I’m just going to post some passages:

There are very few paying customers on the grounds on Saturday, but there are close to a hundred world-class players: big spidery French guys with gelled hair, American kids with peeling noses and Pac-10 sweats, lugubrious Germans, bored-looking Italians. There are blank-eyed Swedes and pockmarked Colombians and cyberpunkish Brits. Malevolent Slavs with scary haircuts. Mexican players who spend their spare time playing two-on-two soccer in the gravel outside the players’ tent. With few exceptions, all the players have similar builds — big muscular legs, shallow chests, skinny necks, and one normal-size arm and one monstrously huge and hypertrophic arm. Many of these players in the qualies, or qualifying rounds, have girlfriends in tow, sloppily beautiful European girls with sandals and patched jeans and leather backpacks, girlfriends who set up cloth lawn courts.

Whether or not he ends up in the top ten and a name anybody will know, Michael Joyce will remain a paradox. The restrictions on his life have been, in my opinion, grotesque; and in certain ways Joyce himself is a grotesque. But the radical compression of his attention and sense of himself have allowed him to become a transcendent practitioner of an art — something few of us get to be. They’ve allowed him to visit and test parts of his psychic reserves most of us do not even know for sure we have (courage, playing with violent nausea, not choking, et cetera).

Joyce is, in other words, a complete man, though in a grotesquely limited way. But he wants more. He wants to be the best, to have his name known, to hold professional trophies over his head as he patiently turns in all four directions for the media. He wants this and will pay to have it — to pursue it, let it define him — and will pay up with the regretless cheer of a man for whom issues of choice became irrelevant a long time ago. Already, for Joyce, at twenty-two, it’s too late for anything else; he’s invested too much, is in too deep. I think he’s both lucky and unlucky. He will say he is happy and mean it. Wish him well.

I know the essay is long, but just read it. Print it out if you have to. Or just buy the essay collection. It’s less than 10 bucks. Two-thirds the price of Avatar in 3D and about 100 times better.