This marks the first time I am opting out of my own accord since I started watching religiously with the first episode of Season 2. It has nothing to do with the fact that I have to study for a test tomorrow. That would have never stopped me from watching 24 before. Hell, I just watched the Seinfeld “Clip Show” for about the dozenth time. Plus, I’m writing this. I obviously don’t care that much.
Maybe it’s because I gave up forums for Lent and I don’t talk about the show with anyone as a result. Maybe I’m just depressed out of my mind; they say you stop caring about things that you usually enjoy in that case, and I haven’t been playing video games either. Maybe it’s because 24 is just THAT bad now. Or maybe I’m depressed because 24 is so horrible. It’s like a switch just went off in my head and I finally realized just how far it’s fallen. Why couldn’t they have just stopped with Season 4? Even though it was the worse season up to that point, it still ended so perfectly. Goddamn it.
It’s a damn shame I am not drinking that right now. Maybe in a little bit.
A bigger shame is the fact that New York City firemen were demoted from the head of the St. Patrick’s Day parade because they show up wasted every year. It’s their right to do whatever the hell they want while they lead their drunken Irish parade.
I think that guy in the lead did that on purpose. Now he gets to come back next week against two people who he knows he can beat. Those two other guys should be down on their knees kissing his ass right now.
I should have wrote this last night, but my erection from Nash’s performance has to be taken care of – I was pretty shot after that. Nash was just THAT FUCKING GOOD last night. I’ll even admit that I didn’t even get to turn on the game until after 11, but the way Nash took matters into his own hands in crunch-time was just mind-blowing and ridiculously entertaining. 10 points in the last minute of regulation to tie the game. His split-second recovery after losing control of the ball (yea, it happens even to God) to get into position to take a charge. Making an acrobatic steal by throwing the ball off of Jason Terry. I feel like I’m eating some crow since I just said basketball sucks, but goddamn even my dog couldn’t stop watching. Some people say Nash didn’t deserve the MVP the past two years, but he just made an unbelievable case for winning the MVP for the third time in a row.
And while Nash seemed to be pulling out all the stops to give the Mavs their first consecutive losses in almost 60 games, Dirk Nowitzki failed to end the game twice – once in regulation at the free throw line, and once in OT – and also to send it into triple OT. So while his line (30 points, 16 rebounds, 6 assists) looked pretty damn good, he choked, plain and simple. He did most of his damage in the middle of the game. Meanwhile, the combination of Nash and Stoudemire was absolutely electrifying, at least while I was watching.
Experts still love the Spurs to win it all because they can actually play defense, but a Suns-Mavs Western Conference Finas match-up is exactly what the NBA needs. I never thought I’d be saying that about a couple of teams led by two white guys – and neither American. But if on the day the NCAA Tournament started, people were talking about the NBA, you know something remarkable has occurred.
The month of March supposed brings the most exciting event of the sporting calendar year. Millions of guys across the country illegally fill out NCAA Tournament pools, pretending that they actually know something about college basketball. ESPN analysts argue about “bubble teams” as if any of them actually had a chance of winning the tournament anyway. Sports talk radio is filled with incessant chatting about each part of the bracket and the seedings.
I can’t take it. In fact, it’s been bothering me so much this year that I’m going to tell you why “March Madness” is overhyped garbage.
- Bracketology
You’ve gotta me shitting me. Congratulations Joe Lunardi, you can predict what teams are going to make it into the NCAA Tournament – I bet you get fed inside information anyway. What kind of profession is this, and what purpose does it serve? Maybe I’m a bit naive on the subject, but is there action on whether or not certain teams are going to make it into The Big Dance? Do people pay attention to this inane practice because they’ve got money on Duke being a 7 seed? Someone please tell me.
- The players get worse every year
Any high schooler worth his salt makes the jump straight to the NBA nowadays. Either that, or he’s one good season and out, not allowing his college to built around his talent. As a result, no truly great college teams are developed anymore. A team catches lighting in a bottle with a freshman like Carmelo Anthony and wins the NCAA Championship and then it’s over. Granted, this fact might make for a more wide-open, unpredictable tournament, but the quality of play is not the same as it once was.
- Talk about “bubble teams”
I guess this fits in with the bracketology part, but the discussion continues after the field has already been selected. Who really gives a shit whether or not some mediocre teams that would be lucky to make the Elite 8 are in the tournament or not? Other than the actual team and its fans, no one is shedding tears over Drexel or Syracuse not getting a chance. Thankfully, all the snub talk will end once the actual tournament starts.
- Dick Vitale
Fortunately, I really think this madman is nearing the end of his rope. Watching Sportscenter the other day, he was breathing disturbingly heavy while yelling about the bubble teams. Maybe he was tired from announcing his own dinner. Can’t you just visualize him taking a bite of a steak and just screaming, “THIS IS GREAT BABY!” He has an average of 15 coronaries every game he announces where his voice hits a unparalleled level of cracking. 12-year-old boys going through puberty have voices less annoying than him. I want to take a hockey stick to his throat.
- Too many teams
Unless you’re a rabid college basketball fan (which is pretty insane in its own right), you don’t know the majority of the teams in the tournament. If you’re filling out a pool, you’re just listening to the opinions on ESPN or the radio and if not, you’re throwing darts at the bracket. I don’t mean the names of the schools – I mean the actual players. If you can name the starting lineup for 5 teams, that’s extremely impressive.
- The “Final Four”
No other sport makes a big deal about reaching the semifinals of the playoffs, which is the way it should be. Every once in a while, there is an inspiring Cinderella story of a smaller school like George Mason, but for the most part, the “Final Four” is just a fancy name for “almost”.
- Too many games, too quickly
Even if you are frothing at the mouth waiting for the tournament to start, you know that you won’t be able to watch all the games. 64 games. 3 weeks. Chances are if you have any sort of life or rational head on your shoulders, you don’t want to watch every game, but for the crazies out there, this is a definite drawback. You might miss a last-second buzzer beater, or a massive comeback. What a shame.
- There’s not much else going on
Sports fans are bound to get excited about The Big Dance, considering that March is the deadest part of the professional sports calendar. The NFL is gone, the NBA is in the lull of its regular season with the Mavericks destroying everyone in their path, and no one gives a shit about the NHL anymore. Even NASCAR is more popular. The NCAA Tournament fills this void perfectly.
- Basketball is boring to watch anyway
Yea, I said it. Maybe college basketball has the appearance of being more exciting and hard-fought than the NBA, but it’s still the official “watch the last 2 minutes” sport. And those last two minutes are usually stretched out way too long.
This review is totally unnecessary and redundant at this point. By now, you’ve most likely already decided whether or not to see this movie. Plus, Chris has already written his review, and I agree on pretty much all points. (Obviously on the Matrix + Gladiator part.) Then you might be asking, why bother?
Because 300 is that great.
The film is not as action-packed as most people thought leading up to its release. There’s an actual story here to provide some weight to the fighting that occurs. A background that shows the basis of Spartan society and what King Leonidas was up against back home in trying to save his people. There’s no doubt that the story is a massive exaggeration and the “freedom” talk is a bit overblown, but I enjoyed the narrative enough and the payoff was pretty damn great. The sellout crowd definitely ate it up.
Nonetheless, the brutal, stylized hand-to-hand combat and the beautiful cinematography are what this movie will be remembered for, and why it will be watched on DVD millions of times across the world. The manner in which wave after wave of Persian forces are discarded is totally awesome. Limbs are strewn in every direction, spears and swords are shoved through Persian chests, bodies litter the ground, blood spurting every which way – all in slow-motion. Even when bloody action isn’t occurring, director Zach Synder uses slo-mo, leading the movie to achieve a sort of hyper-realism. Not too mention that the movie is filled to the brim with shots that look like a awe-inspiring painting.
The way the Spartans fight together as an elite, disciplined fighting force to the death is truly inspiring – using their shields in perfect harmony and formation, showing discipline rarely shown in today’s world. Sometimes though, they go all-out nuts and really display their superior Spartan fighting ability.
Case in point:
Maybe the critics are right when they talk about our generation having a short attention span and just wanting all action, but 300 really could’ve used just more scenes like that. That sentiment possibly has something to do with the cliche storyline, but it also has to do with the action scenes being so damn awesome.
Gerald Butler definitely gives one of the greatest badass performances of all-time as King Leonidas. I never thought anyone could make eating an apple so cool. Leonidas bellows most of his lines (but it makes sense since he’s yelling out to 300 of his men), he repeatedly defies the self-proclaimed God, Xerxes, he always keeps his calm, collected demeanor, even in the face of imminent death, and of course, he’s able to lay waste to dozens of soldiers on the battlefield. A battle between him and Maximus would be one for the ages.
As for some criticisms: first off, the amount of six-packs in this movie is utterly excessive. As my friend Frank said, “I don’t think they did crunches back then.” But I guess they had to throw something in there for the women. Secondly, the mutant stuff got a little out of hand – in particular the wakizashi sword hands butcher guy that was shown in the trailers. Even when I saw him in the trailer, I thought he looked pretty stupid, but in the context of the movie, it was even worse. It was completely unnecessary and didn’t fit in with the movie at all – something that may surprise you. Yet, the huge Frankenstein/Resident Evil 4 mutant fit in fairly nicely because he led to a great fight sequence. Lastly, the movie did take a bit long to get into full-blown battles.
But by the end of the movie, all those complaints had washed away and I was left with what will no doubt be one of my favorite movie experiences of 2007. At least until I see it in IMAX.
David defeated Goliath with a slingshot to the face in ancient times.
The barbarian tribes invaded Rome and burnt it to the ground in 476.
Arnold Schwarzenegger was born on July 30, 1947.
Die Hard was released in 1988.
These, my friends, are only a few examples of turning points in the history of badassery. Tomorrow will be one of these days.
Of course, 300 is only chronicling a great moment in the history of masculinity, but it has brought into the collective consciousness of boys and men everywhere an event that should have already been known the world over. It may only have a 59% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, but it no doubt scores a 110 on the testosterone scale, and even higher on the Hype Train scale. I’m thoroughly convinced this movie would still turn a profit even if it had a RT score of 0%.
Starting with the mind-blowingly great trailer that was released last year, Warner Brothers has done a masterful job of creating an unstoppable force. The internet has been filled with guys drooling over this movie for months and the movie is hitting theaters just as the hype is hitting critical mass, unlike that over-hyped Samuel L. Jackson-driven movie from last year. Maybe they just had an easy job considering the movie’s content; nevertheless, I haven’t been this excited about a movie since The Matrix Reloaded (which might be a bad sign). But I know I’m not alone…
“Everyone I know is going nuts about 300.”
“When you and your friend are referring to the death of one specific soldier and know the exact details of his death, you know the hype is ridiculous.”
“It’s going to be fucking awesome.”
“Already seen it. Amazing movie. It raises your testosterone levels so high that after you’ve seen it you wanna fight or punch someone, anyone. I’m going to see it again tomorrow.”
“Action scenes are incredible. And that is practically the whole movie.”
“Shit, I walked out of the movie with a boner. What… does this mean?”
There’s not much more time left. In about 24 hours, I will experience greatness. Feel free to add your own hype quotes, and if you can’t get enough 300 talk, check out Chris’s post on it.
And if you REALLY can’t wait…here’s a R-rated trailer for the movie (unfortunately, it’s really only 2:30 long)
I’m pretty much convinced at this point that Zinedine Zidane is the only man to ever play professional soccer. If you don’t remember that name, he’s the guy that invented a fighting move that will be duplicated in future video games for years to come. But really, that name should have stuck in your head. It’s pretty badass.
It’s pretty sad that the greatest display of manlyness in your sport has come from a Frenchman.
As for tangible proof of the universal girliness of soccer players, I give the floor to two Youtube clips, courtesy of Deadspin – a popular sports blog that I only discovered fairly recently, just before Around the Horn and PTI showcased this story about Peyton Manning from the site. Yea, it’s a pretty awesome site.
Getting back to pussy soccer players, this first clip is embarrassing in multiple ways:
1. The fight consists of a dozen players slapping and pushing each other around in a manner that I believe duplicates quite nicely a backstage fight between female contestants on American Idol.
2. The one guy who throws a sucker punch runs and skips away like a prepubescent boy who just left a smoking bag of shit on his neighbor’s front porch.
3. Nobody could even catch the guy. Granted, the video ends shortly after, but he needed to be laid out ASAP.
Now this next clip is a bit shorter, but even more pathetic.
I’ve seen some dives in my time – mainly by Reggie Miller – but that one is just on a masterfully bad level. To get a yellow card for taking a dive is pretty goddamn embarrassing. Although, I can think of at least one parallel.
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