Somewhat Manly Nerd

The past few days had been some of the most enjoyable my short life had experienced. I saw the best movie to come out this year, a friend had a 21st birthday drunken bash, and I witnessed my favorite band rock the faces off a sellout crowd at MSG. Barry Bonds destroyed all these memories…

…or not.

As a lover of the great game of baseball, am I truly supposed to be that outraged? Possibly in awe? Excited? As the Deadspin headline today said, “In The End, You Don’t Feel Nothing.” I slept through baseball history last night and as I awoke to ESPN falling over itself, all I could think about was what I was going to eat for lunch. Never would I have imagined being so indifferent to a new Home Run King being crowned. Congratulations Barry “Cream and the Clear” Bonds, you officially tarnished (Goddamn it, I was looking for a specific word, but I can’t think of it – I really need to start reading more) the greatest record in American sports. Maybe I’ll get more excited for A-Rod breaking the record in 7 or 8 years, but I’ve never gotten that caught up in records being broken. Even at 12 years old I barely gave a crap about McGwire and Sosa decimating Roger Maris’s single-season record. Maybe because even back then at such a young age I knew they were cheaters and liars. Hell, I don’t even remember caring all that much about Ripken breaking Lou Gehrig’s record. Lou Gehrig > Cal Ripken Jr. any day of the fucking week.

So now that this is finally over, ESPN has to go back to A-Rod and the Yankees and in a few years we will be seeing daily updates on A-Rod’s chase for Bonds. Maybe by then it’ll come out that A-Rod has used HGH and everyone will hate him too. I wouldn’t doubt it at this point. A significant percentage of players are no doubt still taking HGH because there’s no test for it. Why wouldn’t you take it?? Blah, now I’m actually getting riled up.

Ignorance truly is bliss.

Courtesy of Busted Tees

This has to be one of the worst falls I’ve ever seen. Holy shit.

He was about 40 feet in the air. Some of the other skaters thought he was dead. Bob Burnquist was the next skater to go, which had to take fucking BALLS, and he won the event in the process. I think this dude should’ve won. He pulled off some 720 trick, and then pulled off an even more incredible trick by exploding his shoes right off his feet. His name is Jake Brown. I give him a 10.0.

 

I’ve been slacking for a while now. I can probably blame it on my full-time internship that basically takes up 10 hours of each day, but there’s plenty of bloggers out there that keep getting it done, even with a real job to worry about. They probably get to write some content during the work day, though. As a lowly intern that doesn’t even have his own cubicle, I’m a bit reticent to engage in such activity.

To make amends for my sloth-driven lack of updates, I’m going to supply a few movie trailers. The first is for The Bourne Ultimatum, a trailer I should have posted weeks ago when it was released, as it’s only going to be the movie of the summer, and the year so far. Barring unforeseen events, I will be seeing it opening night a.k.a. tomorrow. It’s going to shit on the sorry excuses for action blockbusters that have been released thus far this year.

The Bourne Ultimatum Trailer Page 

The second trailer is for a film that looks like Crank, only with even more shooting, better actors, and Monica Bellucci: Shoot ‘Em Up. Warning: this is the R-rated trailer, and it shows A TON (maybe too much) of the action, but damn if it doesn’t look ridiculously awesome.

Shoot ‘Em Up Red-band Trailer

This last trailer wraps up the post nicely. It’s the teaser trailer for the sequel to the greatest superhero movie ever made. It doesn’t even show any footage, but it includes the new voice of a classic villain – more than enough to give me that special feeling in my pants.

The Dark Knight Teaser

 God, this Batman trilogy is going to destroy every comic-book related thing that has come before it.

Some of the worst acting I’ve ever seen. but also the funniest thing I’ve seen in a while.

That you are, Arnold. That you are.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar is truly the epitome of the American Dream. Born in Austria right after World War II, he became the greatest body-builder in history, arguably the biggest action-hero star of all-time, and now a governor. Only an amendment to the Constitution stops Demolition Man from becoming prophetic. I know at least I’d vote for him.

But honestly, who else has such an awesome resume? 7-time Mr. Olympia, Commando, The Terminator series, Total Recall, the Governator. He’s also probably banged hundreds of women. Every single actress playing beside him in movies? Railed. Body-builder groupies? Installed. The man gets whatever he sets his eyes on, and no doubt the Presidency is the next (and most likely last) step. It’d sure be a nice change from the Bush-Clinton collective.

Happy 60th birthday Arnold. I’m already making the “Arnold in 2012” bumper stickers.

A fight between the only two halfway decent blockbusters to come out this summer thus far. I didn’t even bother to see Spider-Man 3 due to the massive backlash against it. Pirates of the Caribbean 3 was the worst movie I’ve seen in theaters since The Day After Tomorrow. Harry Potter is only good for seeing people cry over spoilers. Fortunately, The Bourne Ultimatum will redeem the summer of 2007 in two weeks. Now, on to the comparisons! (Warning: This post is chock full of spoilers)

The Legend

Optimus Prime vs. John McClane

We start this tale of the tape with a major win for Die Hard. Optimus Prime doesn’t show up in Transformers until almost an hour in and even then, his only shining moment is when he shoves his huge metal sword through a Decepticon’s head. He booms out the same cheesy lines that he did back on the cartoon show. The ending almost feels like a PSA. Meanwhile, Bruce Willis continues his awesome run as John McClane, managing to make Live Free or Die Hard fun almost single-handedly. He still has great lines and awesome stunts, but unfortunately the former were pussified or just plain dubbed out due to the PG-13 rating. It doesn’t stop McClane from still being the fucking man.

Winner: Live Free or Die Hard

The Villain

Megatron vs. Angsty Uber Hacker

Hugo Weaving voices Megatron, automatically making him awesome. Plus, he rips an Autobot completely in half. Badass. Meanwhile, Timothy Olphant plays Thomas Gabriel, an extremely intelligent dude who is pissed that the higher-ups in the U.S. Government didn’t listen to his warnings about cyber-terrorism. Unfortunately, this doesn’t make for a particularly scary or convincing foil to John McClane. He makes his threats and moves from behind a computer screen, and his idea of hurting McClane is erasing his 401K. McClane doesn’t need his 401K to drink himself to death in his old age. Even when Gabriel does kidnap Lucy McClane (pictured above), he’s never in control of the situation. Maybe I’m being a bit harsh, but he’s no doubt the worse antagonist in the history of the franchise. Hans Gruber forever.

Winner: Transformers

The Opening Action Scene

Obliterated Army Base vs. Apartment Shootout

Transformers opens up with a military base being destroyed more completely than Pearl Harbor. Tanks go flying in every which direction, buildings explode, almost everyone dies, and military intel is stolen in the process. These giant robots from space are shown to be serious business. Yet I found the first action scene in Live Free or Die Hard to be a bit more entertaining. An obscene amount of bullets tear through an apartment complex, a guy is tossed out a window onto a car, and McClane owns two guys with his car as he speeds out of the alley. Unfortunately, the aforementioned two guys walking away with minimal injuries set the tone for the rest of the film. Still a great, coherent action scene where one can actually tell what is going on.

Winner: Live Free or Die Hard

The Reluctant Sidekick/Hero

Shia LaBeouf vs. Justin Long (a.k.a. Mac Guy)

I know those two pics don’t quite give equal pixel space to each actor, but that’s because I decided to allot picture size according to each actor’s performance in their respective movies. Shia LaBeouf channels George Michael Bluth for the first half of Transformers and does a masterful job at it. I’ll admit I was laughing almost the entire time he was trying to bang Megan Fox, meanwhile the OnStar scene with Mac Guy was just painful and stupid (not to mention how OnStar communication was working while nothing else was), but that may have been due to a crazy black girl screaming at the top of her lungs since she thought it was so funny. Shia LaBeouf was hands-down the best actor in a film full of horrific acting, but he needed to be. Sam Witwicky turns out to be the savior of humanity. Justin Long just needed to play a thin-skinned geek named Matt Farrell, who’s along for the ride with John McClane. LaBeouf’s performance has me actually looking forward to Indiana Jones 4… somewhat.

Winner: Transformers

Gratituous Use of Slo-Mo

Robot Soaring Over Cleavage vs. Bullet-Time Dodge

There’s no contest here. Michael Bay had a scene where a robot is shooting while he flies over the top of a woman with D-cup cleavage. It was at least 10 seconds of pointless tits front and center in the frame. I wish I had a pic of it. Meanwhile, the one use of slow-motion I can remember in Live Free or Die Hard other than the ending was an ineffectual bullet-time effect added while McClane dodged an almost point blank range shot. It was completely pointless, pulled me out of the scene, and didn’t involve a massive rack. Stupid.

Winner: Transformers

The Young Hot Chick

Megan Fox vs. Mary Elizabeth Winstead

This is a tough call. Megan Fox looks like the type of slut that’d let you do whatever you want to her ridiculously hot body. Mary Elizabeth Winstead has the three name thing going, which always seems a bit conceited, but she is extremely cute. Personally, I’d go with the latter, because goddamn she is adorable. I wouldn’t mind Megan Fox playing with my love stick, though. In terms of acting ability, it’s not really even worth talking about. They’re both just there for the eye candy anyway. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to say that Megan Fox is AWFUL.

Winner: Live Free or Die Hard

The Overweight Hacker

That Fat Black Dude vs. Kevin Smith

“That Fat Black Dude” is Anthony Anderson, whom you might remember from classic films such as Romeo Must Die, Scary Movie 3, and Kangaroo Jack (I personally enjoy Me, Myself and Irene). Fortunately, I saw Transformers just before I got up to season 4 of The Shield in my DVD marathon. I’m not sure how funny I would’ve found him after seeing him playing a cold-blooded drug dealer. Luckily, I was able to find his fat ass eating donuts hilarious. Kevin Smith manages to pull off a decent performance as “Warlock” the internet hacker God, the only man who can stand up against Thomas Gabriel’s firesale. I honestly don’t even remember much about his role in the film. I don’t even know who wins this category. I’ll go with a push.

The Massive Set Piece

Giant Robots Destroying a City vs. A Jet Destroying an 18-Wheeler and Highway

I’ve read some people’s opinions on the final massive action scene in Transformers and how incoherent and boring it was. I don’t know what movie these people were watching. The fight on the ground could have been better for sure, and the robots should’ve been easier to distinguish form one another, but the CGI in Transformers is still by far the best I’ve ever seen. To make an action scene involving massive robots in a major city believable was an impressive feat by itself. The best part of the action easily took place in the air. I was shitting my pants while I watched Starscream take out a pack of fighter jets by himself. It was fuck awesome. The showdown between McClane in a tractor trailer and jet was pretty damn cool too, but that fighter pilot had to be the most incompetent piece of shit the USAF has ever put out. The dude managed to destroy at least a quarter-mile of elevated highway while failing to kill the man driving on it. I guess John McClane is just THAT awesome.

Winner: Transformers

The Distraction

John Turturro vs. Maggie Q

I gotta say, I don’t think John Turturro ever saw his career plummeting so low. He gets pissed on by a robot in Transformers. I’d say that’s pretty much rock-bottom. Not even playing a fucked-up pederast in The Big Lebowski compares, because at least that performance was profusely amusing. His Sector 7 character in Transformers is just retardedly over-the-top and unfunny. Now, Maggie Q was just hot. And she kicked ass. Maybe a little too much…

Winner: Live Free or Die Hard

The Height of Ridiculousness

“ON EBAY” vs. Indestructible Asian Chick

That “indestructable Asian chick” would be Maggie Q’s character, Mai Linh. First, she gets into a pretty hardcore fight with McClane and get thrown around pretty bad. But she gets up to toss McClane and send him tumbling down a few stories on some gas vents. McClane gets up and drives a truck through a glass wall and straight right into her at probably around 30 mph. I think everyone in the theater thought she was dead. We thought wrong. She was completely fine on top of the windshield. It was at this moment I shook my head and began to tune out the movie in the sensible part of my brain. But it wasn’t over. McClane kept driving until he hit an elevator shaft. With the truck hanging from wires, McClane and Linh fought as they tried to get to safety. I can’t even talk about it anymore. Lihn was fighting and pretty much kicking McClane’s ass in the tenuously balanced truck AFTER GETTING HIT BY A TRUCK GOING FULL SPEED AND GETTING SLAMMED INTO A FUCKING WALL. By comparison, Optimus Prime finding the key to the greatest power in the universe on eBay isn’t all that ridiculous. Ok, it still is – but at least Prime saying, “ON EBAY” in his booming voice was good for a laugh.

Winner: Transformers

The Final Showdown

Anticlimatic vs. Disappointing

You know how I mentioned Optimus Prime pullig out his sword and shoving it through a Decepticon’s face? Why the hell didn’t he just do that to Megatron? Instead, he got his shit completely ruined. Megatron took on the form of Agent Smith and was beating the shit out of Prime like he was Neo in the subway. Prime had told Sam to put the Allspark in his chest if he lost the battle with Megatron – well, he lost the battle, but Sam put it in Megatron’s chest anyway. Ingenious move. Prime was just a letdown all-around. The ending standoff in Die Hard felt much like the one at the end of the original. McClane seems completely cornered, but pulls off an unforeseen move. Unfortunately, they weren’t quite able to get “Yippee kay-yay, motherfucker” past the MPAA because of that goddamn PG-13 rating. It was more like “Yippee kay-yay, mothe-” *gunshot* Thank God for unrated DVDs. Nevertheless, McClane shooting himself was the epitome of badass.

Winner: Live Free or Die Hard

And the final tally is…

Transformers: 5 , Live Free or Die Hard: 5

Who doesn’t love a good cop-out?

This is a private message that was sent to a NeoGAF member by Jeff Bell, the Microsoft Corporate VP of Global Marketing. This guy took time out of his day to send this to some random guy on the internet who has been poking fun at him over the course of E3.

You may be asking how we could possibly know it’s really him. First off, the name – bell801. Of course, it could be some random person just trying to funny. But then some GAF detective found this YouTube interview, where Bell says his XBL gamertag is BigDaddy801. Still not concrete proof.

The megaton came when one of the oldest mods, the guy who runs Gaming-Age (the original parent site), posted confirmation, after another mod had just said something of the sort would never happen. So this Jeff Bell dude joined NeoGAF yesterday just to zing a guy. He hasn’t even posted yet.

Here’s the entire already legendary thread.

GAF has come a long way since I first joined. It’s changed servers a bunch of times, and even changed names now. The gaming side is almost impossible to keep up with or even tolerate nowadays, but it’s still worth it just for ridiculousness like this.

Update: 1up (basically a sister site to NeoGAF) has posted a news story. This is going to spread like wildfire across the internets.

This year’s E3 has been one of the worst all-time for the most part. The big three all had pretty subpar conferences. EA’s conference made up for it with just one game: Rock Band. I already made a post about it a while back, so read up on it if you don’t know. But you should know. It’s only going to be one of the biggest games ever (literally). The official price for the game hasn’t been announced, but $199 is being thrown around for the total package of game + guitar + drums + mic. It’s really not that bad a deal, considering what you’re getting, but it’s still $199 bucks. And you’re only going to end up spending more money. Why? Because EA is promising new DLC (Downloadable Content) every week. And the first thing lined up as DLC: Who’s Next, the entire classic Who album. That is INCREDIBLE.

Not only that, but there will be a “substantial amount of Metallica” available. Oh. My. Fucking. God. “Enter Sandman” will be on the game disc, but they better have some stuff from their first four albums, or I’m going to kill EA.

And the song list so far…i mind-blowingly awesome. (* indicates a cover)

The Who – “Won’t Get Fooled Again”
Mountain – “Mississippi Queen”*
David Bowie – “Suffragette City”
Black Sabbath – “Paranoid”*
Blue Oyster Cult – “Don’t Fear the Reaper”
The Ramones – “Rockaway Beach”
Rush – “Tom Sawyer”*
Bon Jovi – “Wanted Dead or Alive”
Nirvana – “In Bloom”
Stone Temple Pilots – “Vaseline”
Weezer – “Say It Ain’t So”
Foo Fighters – “Learn to Fly”
The Hives – “Main Offender”
The Strokes – “Reptilia”
Queens of the Stone Age – “Go With the Flow”
Metallica – “Enter Sandman”

GO WITH THE FLOW!!!! VASOLINE!! YESSSSSSS!!! This game will rock my balls. I just hope EA doesn’t rape gamers too violently on the microtransactions. Each song should be less than $2, but this is EA.

…or at least the gamers that supported them through last generation.

I missed most of the Nintendo E3 Conference this morning, but I got home just in time for their featured non-game: Wii Fit. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The entire internet gaming community couldn’t believe what was going on. Nintendo has been saying for a while that they are not competing with Microsoft and Sony; they really meant it. While MS and Sony are left fighting for the dollars of 20-somethings with disposable income, Nintendo is creating games for overweight moms.

Ah, just as I’m writing this post, I saw this picture:

Sums it up pretty damn well. But if you listen to the mainstream press, Nintendo won this E3 handily with their exercise non-game.

Washington Post

Nintendo Is Star of E3 Show as Rivals Scramble to Catch Up

Forbes

Price cuts and new colors on hardware will only go so far to help Sony catch up to Nintendo, which is moving to take an even bigger lead. Earlier on Wednesday at Nintendo’s E3 event, the company attempted to prove that it could expand upon its successful strategy of appealing to nontraditional gamers, while at the same time encroaching on Sony’s hard-core gamer demographic.

Nintendo aims to get traditional gamers interested in the Wii with a new gun-shaped controller and a few “first-person shooter” games. For everyone else, Nintendo intends to capitalize on the Wii’s motion-sensing features by selling a new suite of health-conscious games called Wii Fit. It requires the purchase of a floor-pad controller that looks a lot like a bathroom scale.

I have to say that I don’t see where Nintendo “encroached” on Sony’s hardcore demographic. Nintendo has exactly the same franchises it has always had (such as Metroid, Mario, and Super Smash Bros), but the only game that truly seems to take full advantage of the Wiimote capabilites is Super Mario Galaxy, which looks to be the best game Nintendo has made in years. The same old Nintendo fans, including myself, are going to be the ones interested in these games, especially since Nintendo BARELY dedicated any time to them, deciding to instead focus on their casual non-games that are the bane to gamers everywhere.

I’ve played Wii Sports – it was the most shallow gaming experience I can remember. I played each of the six sports once, and that was enough for the rest of my life. Now with games like Vision Training and Wii Fit, Nintendo seems to be shifting way too much of its resources towards such inexpensive electronic activities. Yes, activities. They’re not even games. Reggie Fils-Aime, the President of NoA (Nintendo of America) stood on the Wii Fit platform and had his center of gravity and his BMI calculated. This happened during the conference while people watched. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?! THIS IS A VIDEOGAME?!? THIS IS NINTENDO?!?

The saddest part was that it was presented by Shigeru Miyamoto, the mastermind behind Donkey Kong, Super Mario Bros, Zelda…and shit, even Pikmin. Now he created Wii Fit, and he got his ass totally kicked by Reggie in some game where you head soccer balls by leaning on the floor-pad accessory. The fact that he got completely owned at his own game explains a lot. Miyamoto, what the hell have you done?

But the mainstream press is probably right. Wii Fit will probably be a huge phenomenon – especially in Japan – and Nintendo will continue to rake in sales and insane profits. The Land of the Rising Sun already can’t get enough of the DS and its training games. This trend will just extend to the Wii. There’s already a cooking game. Soon there will be Wii Hairdressing, starring Cher (joke stolen from a forum buddy), Wii Whittling, Wii Housewife, and maybe even Wii Handjobs.

So instead of trying to take the rest of their franchises to the next level like they’ve done with Super Mario Galaxy, Nintendo fans are left with Metroid Prime 3, which looks exactly the same as its predecessors plus waggle control which adds nothing, Super Smash Bros. Brawl, which will probably be great admittedly (but online is still a question), Mario Kart, which looks (and probably plays) exactly the same as the GC version, and some other stuff I don’t even care about anymore.

Maybe it’s age catching up with me, but what the fuck happened to Nintendo? As I, along with the rest of the online gaming community, feel that they are turning to shit, the sales of the Wii continue to destroy the competition. Maybe it’s the price difference, but there has to be something to what Nintendo is doing. Just don’t expect hardcore gamers to like it. It’s just unfortunate that the real next-gen consoles are so goddamn expensive.

That video is probably going to be deleted soon enough.

Here’s the official site.

I really wish I had seen Transformers close to opening so I could’ve had have been surprised and blown away by this trailer. I think more people (at least on the internet) are talking about this trailer than the movie that came after it. It’s the best teaser trailer I’ve ever seen. There’s really not much known about the movie other than what it shown, and moreover it’s not known if the entire movie will be shot in the same handheld, naturalistic way. But it’s a teaser trailer and my interest sure is piqued. No voiceovers, no overused trailer music, just a party crashed by a huge monster. Awesome. I’ll admit the CG of the Statue of Liberty head was pretty subpar, but goddamn if I’m not already eagerly awaiting this film.