Happy Festivus

2008 December 24
by CajoleJuice

Maybe it’s a little past midnight here on the east coast, but whatever. I told myself I need to make this post. I have a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re going to hear about it! Airing of Grievances time.

Shitty Drivers: The turning lane is NOT a merging lane. I’m going to sideswipe the next car I see turning INTO the turning lane and send them flying into oncoming traffic.

No Turn on Red Signs: I think I can figure out when I can turn right. I don’t want some useless sign adding a minute to my commute home. I could use that minute to browse the internet!

20th Century Fox: Worst. Movie. Studio. Ever. Stop making Alien vs. Predator, Alien or Predator, or any sort of movie involving awesome 80′s franchises, and trying to stop Watchmen from coming out. Not to mention the multitude of worthless movies you have released this year. I hate you.

Reality television: Maybe I should blame America for this. If you didn’t watch it, it wouldn’t be on all the time. And shouldn’t someone have died on Survivor by now? That title is such bullshit.

The cast of Arrested Development: STOP TEASING ABOUT A MOVIE.

Game Developers: People still want split-screen multiplayer, shitheads. Look at how the Wii is kicking the shit out of HD consoles. Racing games like Burnout Paradise and ESPECIALLY Pure should have local multiplayer. At least with Burnout Paradise, Criterion had the bullshit open-world excuse, but the developers of Pure had absolutely no reason to not include split-screen. SSX on ATVs! Without fucking multiplayer! What cockbag thought of that?

Sony: Whose awesome idea was it to take PS2 backwards-compatibility out of the PS3? The company that made the first backwards-compatible home console now produces the only current console WITHOUT it. Brilliant move. Really paying off.

Tom Cruise: You are fucking awful. Is it even possible for you to add inflection to your voice? The fact that you got a Golden Globe nomination for your non-performance in Tropic Thunder shows just how many people in Hollywood are Scientologists. What the fuck? You just played your Magnolia character (which was YOU), only in a hairy fat suit. You are Tom Cruise in EVERY. SINGLE. MOVIE. I bet the producers and director of Valkyrie originally wanted the actors to speak in German accents, but since you couldn’t speak in one, everyone had to speak like Americans. Please take your crooked smile and Xenu worship and go away.

Boxee: I want a Windows beta now! I want to be able to watch all types of web content on my HDTV with a pleasing interface! Damn you for developing for Macs first.

Macfags: Why do I use a word generally accepted as a derogatory term? Because in this case the person actually deserves the ridicule. I guess maybe Apple Fags would be a more appropriate term — since I’m definitely including early iPhone adopters — but I think this rolls off the tongue better.

TMZ/Paparazzi: You contribute absolutely nothing to society. Please pass go and fall off a cliff. Unless you have nude photos of some hot actress — then you can live.

The New York Mets: You have all but destroyed my soul. I don’t think I can say any more than I have already said many times before.

Baseball’s Free Agent System: The Yankees just signed three of the biggest free agents this offseason. They have just totally shat on the rest of baseball. This should not be allowed to happen under any circumstances. It is goddamn ridiculous. Maybe if the Red Sox weren’t such tight-wads, considering they probably pull in a comparable amount to the Yankees. Whatever, Bud Selig sucks.

George Lucas: You shouldn’t be allowed to leave Skywalker Ranch. Please stop being involved with movies. Everything you touch turns to suck. Poor Indiana Jones.

Work on Christmas Eve: Not cool.

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