RAMBO: Completely Unnecessary

2008 February 11
by CajoleJuice

So I finally got around to seeing Rambo this weekend. I’m not quite sure it was a good use of $7.25.

Now, before you revoke my man-card and tell me to buy some tampons, let me give a few reasons for this blasphemy (spoilers, obviously):

I saw 80% of the awesome before I ever stepped in the theater

I saw Rambo rip an about-to-be-rapist’s throat out. I saw a sniping-induced decapitation. I saw Rambo come into focus over the shoulder of a dude and subsequently knife his guts out. I saw Rambo knife a dude, take over his m
ounted machine gun and kill the guy sitting in the very same jeep as the chain-gun. I saw Rambo gun down a truck full of dudes and blow up a ship with aforementioned mounted machine gun. Only watching Rambo shoot arrows through soldiers’ faces and blow up a megaton bomb were any surprise at all.

This attempt at a philosophical argument

John Rambo: Why’d you come back?
Sarah: Waiting for you.
John Rambo: I told you before, I can’t help you.
Sarah: Well we need to go and help these people, we’re here to make a difference, we believe all lives are special.
John Rambo: Some lives, some not.
Sarah: Really? If everyone thought like you, nothing would ever change.
John Rambo: Nothing does change.
Sarah: Of course it does! Nothing stays the same.
John Rambo: Live your life cause you’ve got a good one.
Sarah: It’s what I’m trying to do!
John Rambo: No, what you’re trying to do is change what is.
Sarah: And what is?
John Rambo: Go home.

Basically the only action I hadn’t seen going in was the MASSACRE OF AN ENTIRE VILLAGE

That was fun. Peasants and children getting their limbs blown off for a few minutes, topped off with flamethrowers burning whatever was left. At that point, I was almost laughing at the ridiculousness of what I was watching. Because I knew Rambo was going to kill the entire battalion.

The evil general is a pedophile

Apparently, Stallone didn’t think we got the point when he ordered the killing of hundreds of people and stole the children from a half-burnt down village. He had to be shown petting the head of a little boy, before the door closed… for the night. I guess we really had to hate him, so we could love it when Rambo sliced his guts up and sent him tumbling down a hill over his own intestines.

After the final battle, Rambo felt like staring into infinity

It was almost like that scene out of Kung Pow; Rambo and the woman he saved felt it necessary to stare at one another while the camera switched back and forth at least 6 times. It was obviously added to make the movie long enough to be deemed a feature-length film.

Ok, I think I’m being a bit tough on the movie. It promised ridiculously gory action, and it delivered. And most of the things I listed also could be construed as positives. I did laugh at “Go Home.” pretty damn hard. It just seemed a bit short. Maybe Stallone shouldn’t have released so many damn clips and a 4-minute-long trailer.

Related posts:

  1. John Rambo > John McClane (Rambo IV Trailer)
  2. Unnecessary Review: Jackass Number Two
  3. Ridiculousness and Insanity

  • anth

    ..what does this have to do with veronica?

  • http://thesomewhatmanlynerd.wordpress.com/ CajoleJuice

    A callback to a half-year-old comment. Awesome. My blog is a part of people’s minds!

    But really, I have a post in the works, don’t worry.

  • sushie

    go buy some tampons :D

  • Fillion

    Come on seriously, you didn’t like Rambo? I mean yeah, the entire story was built around an end scene with Rambo on a machine gun, but who wouldnt want to watch a bunch of genocidal jerks eat .50 cal. It probably helped that I didn’t see the preview before going to the movie though. On the other hand I just got back from the middle east, and too often there are people who don’t care who they kill that get away from us, it was nice for me to see them get it, even in a fictional setting.

  • http://thesomewhatmanlynerd.wordpress.com/ CajoleJuice

    This post was ridiculously-high-expectations-backlash.

    Also, I didn’t have much problem with the soldiers getting slaughtered, but the town getting slaughtered was nothing less than disturbing. But it did make the final scene that much more satisfying.

  • Stone

    you’re obviously gay