April Fools’ Day is Yesterday’s News
No, really…it was yesterday. Did you even know?
(Note: This is a rant by my friend Justin – you’ll see)
Remember back when you were a kid? The warm weather was finally coming, your mother wasn’t nagging you to remember your coat, and kids from all around your block were oozing out their houses eager to start on this year’s fun and games. The school year was making its last stride and best of all; spring recess was right around the corner. Ah, life was good…that is until someone snuck up on you like a warrior ninja and sunk their cruel yet brilliant April Fools’ Day joke into your un-expecting back. In fact, all day AFD jokes flew around like rogue ninja stars, and not even the most Neo-like could dodge every one. Whether it be by your friends, your neighbors, or even your siblings, you were sure to somehow find yourself as the victim in someone’s evil plot.
If you somehow managed to make it through the entire day unscathed, that meant two things; either you pulled a lot of jokes yourself, or you walked around all day second guessing everything you heard/saw (and nobody liked you). Still, come the next day, you could count on hearing many a war story from that same host of candidates about their own run-in with the “fun” of the day.
Bottom Line: April Fools’ Day was alive and kicking (sometimes because a sign on your back told it to).
In modern times; however, AFD seems to be a thing of the past. No more are the days of outrageous office pranks, or fake love letters from that crush you had, written by your pals. If you’re like me, you spent the entire day the same way you spend every other day, then at one point or another, realized that it was indeed the first of April. In my case, I didn’t actually notice until 9:30 at night when I got home and sat down on the computer. “April Fools?” I thought, “where are all the jokes?…the stunts?” It was hard not to feel a bit like The Grinch standing bewildered on my mountain-top, wondering how this holiday could be possible without the material things.
The problem is, there is no deeper spiritual meaning to April Fools’ Day. If the Grinch stole that, all those Hoos down in Hooville would have stayed the hell inside and saved the song for another day. April Fools Day is about seeing the shock, horror, and humility on your friends face after you pull a joke on them. This is America, damnit! Where are we to find our laughs if not at the expense of our innocent acquaintances? Still, as I sat back and recounted the events of that day, I could not even remember an honorable mention of April Fools. For all intents and purposes, the day was over. I felt like a fool, but not in the way the day had intended.
So what happened?
Somewhere along the line did we all outgrow our need for immature pranks and sometimes hurtful gestures? Of course not! If you ask me, (you haven’t, but go fuck yourself, I’ll tell you anyway) April Fools’ Day got too popular. Indeed Fame, the same thing that killed Kurt Cobain, has now taken another! Forgive me if I lament the latter slightly more.
The point is, we expect it. We keep our guard up. The first of April isn’t too hard to miss, and so every year we wake up and put on our special anti-AFD armor. We check everything twice, and retain a definite skepticism to anything we see on TV, the internet, or hear on the radio. The fact of the matter is, April Fools’ Day was outdone! We didn’t just drag it in the back and beat the shit outta that fucker, we beat it, stuffed it up and hung it from the ceiling, then wailed on it some more, viva piñata style. When our best plotted schemes fell to the obviousness of the date, it was no longer worth the effort. April Fools’ Day had croaked.
The solution:
The world seems to work in an overall balance. Just ask Timberlake…what goes around comes around, and so I presume, if we continue down this road of non-event and bear a few years of prankless AFD’s the day may once again come, when you can say “April Fools Mother Fucker!” with pride. But there’s no fun in waiting!
That is why I, Justin, hereby claim the entire month of April, to be April Fools’ Month!!!! (AFM!) For too long have we been eclipsed in the shadow of a distinct day’s obviousness. The punch line is “April Fools!” anyway; setting aside one day to claim this righteous movement is just foolishness! (No pun intended [<---Lie])
Just think how much fun you’ll have waking up and wondering, what if? What if today I open up the fridge at work and a live wombat comes flying out onto my face! What if today is the day my friends filled my car with 1000 ping-pong balls and cut my brakes? What if?
Imagine, an entire month of fun and games, everyone being a victim, everyone being the joke. No one is safe, everyone wins. How pumped would you be knowing that somewhere along the line, at any moment, on any day, SOMETHING, SOMEONE, may be waiting to finally peer over your fallen, hurting, body, and with tears of joy in their eyes, point and say, “April Fools!”
Go out now, a changed person, for there are 29 days left in this glorious month. 29 more chances for you to seize the day! Go out now and change the world!
April Fools’ Day may be yesterday’s news, but it can truly be tomorrow’s glory.
- Written in the spirit of Colbertness
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