Someone Please Murder Roger Clemens

2007 March 30
by CajoleJuice

Don’t you just want to hit him in the face with one of his own fastballs?

For a while now, the term “hired gun” has been thrown around in baseball, referring to a pitcher who displays no loyalty, or one that seems to jump from team to team, mostly among contenders. Maybe I’m going out on a limb here, but I think Clemens just might fit the mold. He’s played for more than half of the AL East and after he “retired,” he decided to play half-seasons for the Astros for fun – and money. This year might be different. The Yankees might be desperate enough to throw an unimaginable amount of money in Clemens’s face. Like $1 million a start money. Then Clemens will inject an inhuman dose of HGH so he can help them into the playoffs, but then he’ll pull a muscle. Hopefully, someone mixes some poison into his steroid syringe.

It’s really getting too hard to deny that the guy is the best pitcher of at least the past 25 years, and believe me, it pains me to say it since he’s an absolute asshole. He still manages to completely own the NL whenever he feels like pitching. It is the NL, but it’s impressive nonetheless. And really, the other candidates all have their personal or professional shortcomings. Nolan Ryan was a badass, but he walked half as many guys as he struck out, which translates to A LOT. Pedro is also an asshole (albeit a much funnier one) who tosses old guys to the ground. Randy Johnson – another big dick – kills birds, and took until he was in his 30s to learn how to pitch. And Greg Maddux pees on rookies in the shower. Goddamn it Gooden, why did you have to get addicted to coke?

But to get back on topic, I’m really getting sick of the media attention Clemens’s “decision” is receiving, if you didn’t notice. Leave his fat ass alone in Texas. He shouldn’t be allowed to pull this shit, yet I guess I can’t blame teams for wanting his services with the dearth of legitimately great pitchers out there. But he’s 45 at this point. Let him just sit at home and gain 100 pounds. It’s what he really wants. It’s what we all want.

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