Somewhat Manly Nerd

Last night’s battle between the Yankees and Red Sox signified everything that is great about baseball. Sure, it took a bit longer than any 9-inning baseball game should, but — like the blubbering idiots in the Sunday Night Baseball telecast booth said — every pitch counts. Not even they could get that wrong. It’s incredible how every Yankees-Red Sox series feels like October. Even the chances of the Yankees snatching the division away from the Red Sox are as slim as they can get, they still sent a message by going to Boston and winning 2 out of 3. They wanted to win those games. Both teams wanted them.

Doug Mientkiewicz made an amazing diving play to save a few runs in the first (I think) inning. If Giambi had tried to make the same play, he would’ve torn about 5 different muscles and suffered internal HGH leaking. After that shaky first inning, Clemens and Schilling went pitch-for-pitch for six innings, with each only letting up a run. Clemens had the benefit of the 21-year-old Joba Chamberlain to back him up, and he pitched out of a leadoff double in the seventh. Until the 8th, the only back mark on Schilling was a home run to Robinson Cano in the 5th. It came down to a showdown between him and Jeter with two outs and runners on second and third. Instead of trying to pitch around Jeter, Schilling looked like he was trying to get Jeter out. The count was 2-2 This was the moment in the game. Watching a baseball game knowing any pitch can mean the game is the most tense feeling a spectator can get. Jeter got the best of him, crushing a hanging splitter over the Green Monster. The game was over right there.

Or was it. The Red Sox have had Mariano Rivera’s number for a number of years now. And Mike Lowell hit a home run off a Joba — the first earned run he has let up in the majors – so it was 4-2 when Mo came in to close the game in the 9th. He didn’t look himself, even hitting the Navajo Jacoby Ellsbury. The Red Sox scored a run and loaded the bases. There were 2 outs and the mirror “clutch” image of Derek Jeter came up: David Ortiz. Many sabermatricians discount the notion of “clutchness” but there’s definitely something about those two guys. It was another moment. Anything short of an out meant failure. (I’m not even figuring a possible walk in here — there’s no way Rivera would allow that to happen). The chest tightened up again while watching and analyzing every pitch.

He got Ortiz to pop out to Jeter, of all people. Game over. A possible preview of October. God, there’s nothing better than playoff baseball.

As for the Mets, they’re just totally disgraceful at this point. They’ve lost 7 straight games to the Phillies and managed to lose again today to the goddamn Nationals. If they only won a couple of those games against the Philles, the division would be theirs. Instead, the Phillies still have an outside shot at embarrassing the Mets and having the entirety of Queens asking for Willie Randolph’s head. I really can’t see them going anywhere in the playoffs at this point.

At least David Wright doesn’t suck. He just joined the 30-30 club yesterday. Jim Thome also joined the 500 homer club with a walkoff home run that went further than I can hit a golf ball. That’s the way to get that milestone.

And to wrap up: Marc Ecko bought Barry Bonds’ 756th home run ball for over $752,000 a while back. Now he has a website dedicated to what he should do with it.

VOTE!

I’m going to make another post dedicated just to this awesome idea. I hope he goes through with whatever wins. I really do. (Except if it’s option A. I voted for B.)

The sweatshirt slob Bill Belichick was just fined the NFL maximum of $500,000 and the New England Patriots were fined an addition $250,000 and will lose a first-round pick (if they make the playoffs) for videotaping the Jets sideline this Sunday. Excuse me for a second while I imagine the damage control that must be ensuing across New England right now.

I’m not really sure how to express my feelings into words. A big part of me is elated to see the Patriots dynasty and Belichick get tainted like this, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s going to be forgotten as quickly as Sammy Sosa’s corked bat. And is it really that big a deal? Guys try to steal signs all the time, Belichick just set up a more elaborate system to do it. He got caught, and he has to pay the price. That price probably should’ve been higher. There’s also the whole “Mangini must’ve known while he was there” angle. I’m not quite sure I buy that. I just know that I wouldn’t have wished something like this to happen to any other team. Man, I’m loving it.

(Tom Brady was obviously behind all this, seeing as how he’s the Anti-Christ)

Since the creation of The Shield, FX has cleverly and sharply carved out a wonderful niche on cable television. It allows programming that would never be shown on broadcast television, while reaching a level of quality right below HBO, without the extra $10 a month. Shows like Nip/Tuck, Rescue Me and — of course — The Shield, have all received considerable critical acclaim. I have personally only seen The Shield out of those three and it’s absolutely incredible. But I’ve also been watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia since its inception two summers ago. I was hooked from the very first episode.

It was a half-hour block of television that revolved around the dilemma of whether or not to keep running a lucrative gay bar after a black acquaintance promotes it as such, when the three heterosexual owners naturally opened it in the first place to get laid. Of course, depravity ensues, with practical jokes gone wrong and racist remarks being thrown around. The intersection of multiple storylines and the great ending reminded me of a Seinfeld episode. Back then, the show had the feel of some low-budget indie production, which it basically was. It was four friends tackling different issues each episode in their own The seven episodes that comprised the first season were gold, touching on subjects such as abortion, molestation, dead old guys, underage drinking, and Nazism in ways I had never imagined possible. For a show to take on child molestation and make it gut-bustingly hilarious is quite the accomplishment. The four friends – three male, one female – made a Seinfeld-ian cast, and the show pushed the boundaries just like Seinfeld did back in the day, it’s just that now it takes a bit more to be outrageous. The show and characters still maintained some sort of believablity, though.

Before the second season, FX evidently felt it necessary to add some star power to the show, even though it had received a bit of attention already. And by “star power” I’m talking about the addition of Danny DeVito, not exactly a huge star nowadays, but enough of a draw to attract some possible viewers. They pimped the addition of him in the show, displaying his ugly mug predominantly in the commercial graphics, and even on the recently-released DVD set. He isn’t even in half of the episodes!

They even put his name on the top of the DVD set. Total bullshit. I’m a big believer in “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” and adding that new factor to the show felt tacked-on and forced, leading DeVito to just seem out of place at times.

But you know what? He might have saved the show (ratings-wise) and allowed it to get to the third season that started tonight. I meant to make this post a few days ago, imploring you to watch the show and also linking to a YouTube pre-season episode (which I will still do). As much as I felt the second season suffered due to the addition of DeVito and a whole dysfunctional family angle along with him, the first two episodes shown tonight were pretty damn funny. The show has definitely changed since the first season, with the characters being more twisted, narcissistic, and juvenile (especially DeVito’s character, the very definition of a horrible human being), and the show choosing to be offensive just for the sake of it, but it seems that the show has learned to handle itself better in that realm of South Park-ness this season. Maybe I’m just getting used to it. Maybe I need to re-watch all the episodes now that I have the DVD set. I remembering loving a few episodes last year. All I know for sure is that it’s been one of the funniest shows on TV for the past couple of years.

Bachy, you would particularly enjoy the ending. Well, maybe not anymore. Just watch it.

The 80s were an era in filmmaking that delved into pure ridiculousness, at least when it came to action movies. Movies like Rambo, Commando (and every other Arnold movie), Robocop, Roadhouse and countless other movies were filled with over-the-top violence and one-liners that would make any person shake their head, but also laugh at the same time. Shoot ‘Em Up brings back that type of moviemaking, with a bunch of great actors to boot. Clive Owen, Paul Giamatti, and Monica Bellucci bring a surprising amount of star power and acting chops to a totally ludicrous movie.

With this movie, Clive Owen just lifts his badass factor even higher. He hates (just like Bachy), owns guys in ways I never could have imagined, spits out Arnold-like one-liners, and has Monica Bellucci’s gorgeous tits squished up against him. Paul Giamatti, whom I wouldn’t expect to be in a movie like this, plays Elmer Fudd to Owen’s Bugs Bunny and does a great job of making you hate him. Meanwhile, Monica Bellucci just does what she does best — looks hot.

One of the best things about Shoot ‘Em Up is that not only is the action unbelievable, the plot matches it in its preposterousness. It involves a U.S. Senator, bone marrow harvesting, and a major gun manufacturer. Not to mention all the outrageousness strewn throughout the movie that I won’t mention here.

Shoot ‘Em Up is basically just this year’s Crank, only with more accomplished actors, more gunfights, less awful CGI, and a better soundtrack. (To be fair, I also enjoyed Crank, and it was probably funnier.) Any movie that kicks off with an action sequence set to “Breed” by Nirvana is bound to be awesome. I recommend this movie to any self-respecting male 15-35.

Unfortunately, America has already failed. Hard. Shoot ‘Em Up only garnered $5.4 million this weekend, not helped any by being shown in only 2,108 theaters, with Balls of Fury being in 3,475 theaters. The #1 movie, 3:10 to Yuma (which we were going to see, but we didn’t want to pay $12.50 for Director’s Hall tickets), only made $15 million, and was also shown in less theaters than the aforementioned Balls of Fury. That is disgusting. On the other hand, it’s nice to see The Bourne Ultimatum is still in over 3,000 theaters, holding the #5 spot after over a month. Word of mouth has no doubt helped that movie have the incredible legs it has displayed.

Roger Federer is the greatest player to ever pick up a tennis racket. At this point, it’s only a matter of whether he’ll break Pete Sampras’s Grand Slam record next year or the year after. He vanquished his two biggest threats in this year’s U.S. Open — Andy Roddick and Novak Djokovic — in straight sets. He’s the first man in 80 years to win 4th straight U.S. Open titles. He now has 12 Grand Slams, only two behind Sampras.

I’m flush out of things to say about him at this point. He proved yet again that he keeps his head in the toughest of points, saving seven set points (5 in the first set, 2 in the second) against Djokovic. The upstart 20-year-old Serbian could have been up 2 sets to none easily, but the combination of Federer’s coolness and Djokovic youthful nervousness spelled disaster. It was painful to watch Djokovic waste so many opportunities. Nevertheless, he surely gained some fans — including myself — with his spot-on impressions, but more importantly, his impressive play. He gave Federer much more trouble than Roddick did.

With this title, Federer only builds upon a couple of his records – he now has won 3 Grand Slams (Australian Open, Wimbledon, U.S. Open) 3 out of the past 4 years, and Wimbledon and U.S. Open 4 straight times each. Nobody else has done either of those things. And if it weren’t for Rafael Nadal, he would probably have won the past 10 Grand Slams, considering he has reached 10 straight Grand Slam finals, only losing to Nadal in two of them. Pure domination. Federer > Tiger.

But Djokovic still has his impressions…

The following video is one of the most awe-inspiring videos of gaming I’ve ever seen. The beginning is not really all that impressive, as I play at pretty much the same level at Tetris DS. I’ve never played an arcade version of Tetris, and apparently this particular version is geared towards high-level play, so it’s nothing special. Once it hits the 3 minute mark, the video gets a bit ridiculous. Again, I really don’t know how that version plays compared to the old Game Boy version or Tetris DS, but nevertheless, it starts going at an inhuman pace. By the time the credits start rolling, you’re mind will probably be spinning.

But it’s not over. Then he plays with invisible blocks. HE PROCEEDS TO STACK INVISIBLE BLOCKS. And I thought Roger Federer was a cyborg.

So about that Rick Ankiel being the savior of baseball, serving as a foil to Barry Bonds. That whole “feel-good story of the year” talk. Those Babe Ruth comparisons. Well, it might be time to scratch all that. I’m not really sure what to believe at this point. Ankiel was linked to an illegal drug distribution company. He received a whole year’s worth of HGH. This is back in 2004, before MLB had officially banned it. Ankiel says he got it prescribed to help come back from elbow surgery. I have no doubt that it helped heal that right up.

It’s just a shame that this has to come out now, in the middle of his glorious comeback. The guy has 9 home runs already in 24 games, and he’s hitting .353. That’s insane. Probably too insane. Even though he hasn’t been receiving shipments from that company, he’s probably been getting some of the good stuff through other avenues. I bet it’s something Scott Boras does for all his clients.

It’s pretty much impossible to think anyone is innocent at this point. Why wouldn’t a guy take HGH if there’s no test to detect it? Nevertheless, there’s always that smidgen of hope in everyone’s mind that their favorite players don’t take any sort of performance-enhancing drugs. And I’m no different. Right now, I want to believe that David Wright doesn’t take anything, I really do. And I’ll continue to give him and other players that I admire the benefit of the doubt. But with each passing day, it just gets tougher for any realistic person to believe that these guys aren’t juicing. Rick Ankiel (and Troy Glaus was also fingered) are just the guys that happened to be caught this time. Next time, it could be Alex Rodriguez or Albert Pujols. Ugh.

…and my TV was on loan to my parents’ living room, and for some inexplicable reason, NBC wasn’t working. No football for me. Actually, I probably would’ve just played my 360 anyway. I need to hook it up tomorrow so I can level up in the Call of Duty 4 BETA, since Infinity Ward just raised the limit up another four levels. I need me an Uzi.

I’m just not ready for the football season. I’ve been slacking off on my baseball watching (and blogging), and now I’ve got football to keep up with, too? Luckily (or unfortunately), both the Jets and Giants are slated to have godawful seasons, so maybe I’ll declare it a wash right now. I have too many videogames to attend to this fall. Yelling at prepubescent kids who think they’re hot shit at Halo 3 takes precedence over half-paying attention to NFL games. Besides, the last time I checked, the Patriots were disgustingly stacked. I’ll just come out of my 360 zone to watch them win the Super Bowl. And consequently bitch about it. Fuck Tom Brady.

But really, am I un-American for looking forward to the U.S. Open final more than the first Sunday of the 2007 NFL season? Maybe not, but I should probably start questioning my masculinity. Roger Federer is just more awe-inspiring to watch than any other athlete I’ve seen in my lifetime outside of possibly Michael Jordan. Tiger Woods doesn’t win every major; hell, the only major he won this year was the joke one – the PGA Championship. I bet Tiger puts those trophies in the bathroom, so he can piss on them whenever he feels like it. That HGH obviously hasn’t been helping. (Honestly, have you seen Tiger lately? I bet he could tear one of Mickelson’s manboobs right off.) Meanwhile, Federbot has won the past 7 majors not played on the clay of Roland Garros a.k.a. The Temple of Rafael Nadal, and is gliding towards the 8th. So I rather watch him win his 4th straight U.S. Open and 12th Grand Slam overall than watch 1/16th of the NFL season.

(Actually, I’ll just be flipping back and forth)

Yes, I realize that title indirectly asks whoever is reading this, “Why are you reading this garbage?” In your defense, I do write some halfway decent stuff once in a while, so I can see why you might be one of the two people that read my blog with any sort of consistency. It’s not like I write all that regularly anyhow. It’s just that reading something like Deadspin, Kissing Suzy Kolber or As Serious As Your Life makes me realize I have no clue what I’m even aiming for with my posts.

Am I trying to be serious? Am I trying my best to be entertaining? Can I be both? Vulgarities and general distastefulness mixed in there or not? My family members don’t know about this blog now, but maybe they will in the future. Do I want them to be ashamed and shocked by it? Do I care at this point? These are questions I should start asking myself when I write one of these posts. After writing up that Roddick-Federer post the other night, I kept thinking it could’ve been a lot funnier. For some reason, I have a natural inclination to try to be professional and/or serious. But then I end up throwing a “fuck” in there just the hell of it. What the hell am I doing?

So in the upcoming days and weeks, I think I’m going to try a bit harder to incorporate humor into my posts, littering them with profanity-filled tirades, irreverent analogies, and lowest-common-denominator jokes. I already wrote up a bit about the COD4 beta that I need to post and I don’t think it’s too humorous. I’ll try my best to spice it up. Maybe throw some titties in there. Tits make everything better. And stupid pictures.

Why? Because they bore him in the era of Roger Federer. Five years earlier, or five years later, he might have half a dozen Grand Slam titles by now. He has lost in three Grand Slam finals — all to Federer. Tonight, he lost to his unbeatable nemesis once again, only this time in the quarterfinals of the U.S. Open. The first two sets couldn’t have been any closer, with no breaks on either man’s serve, and the unforced errors and winners being almost identical. Roddick was blasting his serve at 135 mph easily and murdering his foreheads as fast as he possibly could, fighting Federer tougher than anyone not named Nadal. There were no breaks on either man’s serve for the first two sets, but Roddick did have one break point that he squandered. Federer was just too damn good when it counted.

The man (android?) is just incredible to watch, reaching shots seemingly out of reach and hitting them back at humanly impossible angles. During the second tiebreak, Federer hit a backhand return on a 140 mph serve right back to Roddick’s feet. It was absolutely flithy. Roddick just shook his head in disbelief. So after those first two evenly matched battles, Federer was up two sets to none with Roddick running out of gas and Federer hardly breaking a sweat. By the third set, he was mentally and physically drained, even if he did make it to deuce on one of Federer’s serving games. While the first two sets were won 7-6(7-5) and 7-6(7-4) by Federer, the third was won 6-2 after two breaks.

I can’t imagine how Roddick felt after the match. He played as well as I’ve ever seen him play. Federer didn’t even have one break point through the first two rounds. Just a few points swinging the other way in the tiebreaks and Roddick would’ve been up 2-0 instead of the other way around. But that’s why Federer is the most dominant athlete in sports right now, and almost inarguably the best tennis player of all-time. He gets it done when it counts. He just makes it look so goddamn effortless that it’s tough to admire him. I want to see him fight. This is the toughest match I’ve seen him play outside of the French Open and he still came away with a straight-set win. Djokovic is the only hope now. The prodigy who beat Federer, Nadal and Roddick in one tournament. Can he do it when it really counts, though? We will see. I hope he at least wins a fucking set for Christ’s sake.