Time To Go America All Over Everyone’s Ass

2008 July 6
by CajoleJuice

It is Fourth of July weekend. I haven’t made a new post in way too long. I wanted to make a “Why America Rocks” post on the 4th, but I never managed to do it. Probably because I was being too busy being American. Too busy eating hamburgers and hot dogs while watching baseball. Too busy driving motorized coolers off of decks. Too busy watching the American hero Joey Chestnut take down the Japanese menace Kobayashi once again, this time in a 5-DOG EATOFF. EPIC.

You know what else is American? Batman. You know what is even more American? Watching Batman on IMAX. The Dark Knight in IMAX is going to give me a 2-and-a-half hour pants-tearing erection. I will drive approximately 40 minutes to see it in IMAX. Wasting gas needlessly to watch a movie on an unnecessarily massive screen? AMERICAN. Oh wait, did I say “needlessly” and “unnecessarily”? I better watch myself, as that is treading a dangerous line. The minute I lean towards thinking such an activity is a waste of valuable resources, the terrorists have won.

America is watching football on Sundays while sitting on your couch drinking beer, not watching some dumb European soccer tournament. America is playing Fantasy Baseball and pretending like you actually know what you’re doing during the draft. America is using the internet to scam and cheat as much as possible (2100 free Microsoft points FTW). America is Will Smith coming out with a mediocre blockbuster every other 4th of July weekend. America is rooting for the underdog — GO NADAL. America is stealing the best people from other countries — Einstein, Arnold, Ichiro, and Victoria’s Secret models. America is eating breakfast at 3 in the morning at a 24-hour diner. America is sending drunk messages on Facebook and regretting it later. America is where the rest of the world comes to fulfill their dreams, and where ungrateful Americans complain and dream about moving to other countries.


Related posts:

  1. Obligatory Observance of America’s 233rd Birthday
  2. David Beckham Signed by MLS, America Yawns
  3. Bring The Ruckus To That Ass

  • http://honestape.net honest_ape
  • http://teamslinger.wordpress.com Slinger

    Very nice “Always Sunny..” quote for the title. And I agree with you on The Dark Knight. You may want to wear sweat pants to that IMAX showing, so your erection has more room.

  • http://thesomewhatmanlynerd.wordpress.com/ CajoleJuice

    Glad someone got the reference. And that is nice, Ape. Very nice.