A Match Made In Hades: 300 and God of War II

2007 February 14
by CajoleJuice

They couldn’t have planned it any better. At this point, Warner Brothers and Sony should just go all out and cross-promote these two pieces of entertainment. 300 is set to inject an ungodly amount of testosterone into theaters on March 9th, while Kratos is back for his much-deserved sequel only four days later on March 13th. Looks like that’s official “Go Shirtless” week.

The reviews for both have already started to roll in – and they are glowing. GoW2 is being heralded as the great swan song for the PS2, pushing the system to its limits – with the result being possibly the best game to ever grace the system.

If you don’t own a PS2, find someone who does and sit yourself down in front of their TV for 12 or so hours as you’ll otherwise be missing out on one of gaming’s most intense and engaging experiences available.

That quote from IGN alone should convince you to buy this game. And if you haven’t already played the first, you have failed at gaming. It’s easily beat under ten hours, but it was one of the greatest gaming experiences I had last generation. The pacing was absolutely perfect, the mythos was damn cool, the controls were effortless, and the gore just topped off the entire package. Its sequel looks to improve upon it in every possible way.

Meanwhile, 300 has been reviewed by a couple of not-so-respectable outlets for movie reviews (IGN and AICN), but those are precisely the places one has to read a review for this movie. Roger Ebert (actually, is he still alive?) will not understand how this movie will increase the birth rate nine months after its release, or how the violent crime rate will have a spike in the middle of March. Men are told to be pussies at every turn nowadays – 300 is going to let out the repressed urge to throw a spear through another guy’s chest.

I bet the U.S. military loves this movie. Not only because of the testosterone-pumping reasons I already gave, but also because the trailers portray the Spartans as fighting for freedom. That’s goddamn hilarious. What’s the name of a democracy that leaves babies on the hillside to die? On the other hand, I’m not going into this movie expecting an accurate historical account – that went out the window at the first sight of a Persian mutant that looked like it was out of a comic book. Oh shit, it is based on a comic book. Nevertheless, this movie will still rock, plain and simple. Even if the acting, the script, and the plot all suck, it will still be the most visually stunning movie this year.

March is going to be fucking awesome.

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