Somewhat Manly Nerd

I thought the title had changed to Live Free or Die Hard, but apparently the final title is Die Hard 4.0. Anyhow, Yahoo has HD trailers up. I thought Die Hard With A Vengeance got ridiculous at times – this trailer features a showdown between an 18-wheeler and a fucking jet. What the hell is going on? And there was too much Mac Guy. And there’s Kevin Smith. Yea, I don’t know anymore. I’ll probably eat up the ridiculousness. Unfortunately, the next weekend Transformers will take the ridiculousness up about 10 notches and will actually have a good excuse for it.

Also, FirstShowing.net has the exclusive International trailer.

Of course, what I’m asking is if there will ever be a movie to challenge its crown as the biggest theatrical joke in recent history. Just look at that picture. What is going on in the crotch area? Why did Forest Whittaker take up a starring role in this movie? These are questions I’m not sure I want answered.

I don’t even know where to start because I’ve never actually seen the movie. Maybe I should just for research purposes. But then I look at that picture again. Holy crap. I have no doubt the only reason this movie saw the light of day is due to Scientology funding and the fact that John Travolta used his star power after Pulp Fiction to push the movie as hard as possible. The movie was based on a book by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard. According to Wikipedia, Travolta described the book as “”like Pulp Fiction for the year 3000″and “like Star Wars, only better.” Wow, Tom Cruise had a great example to learn from when it came to turning insane.

Fortunately, the movie was one of the biggest box office flops in history, and apparently, this soured Travolta on the whole Scientology deal – which is why Tom Cruise had to pick up the crazy torch. Battlefield Earth was supposed to make Travolta the biggest movie star in the world, but it only served to destroy the progress he had made since Pulp Fiction. Scientology had failed him.

There’s been a few contenders to the crown since this trainwreck was released, such as Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Ultraviolet, and a bunch of other lower-budget movies. But none of these allowed for Scientology jokes nor did any have operating and advertising budgets nearly as large as Battlefield Earth. And most importantly, none had John Travolta dressed up like that playing a character named Terl. We may never see so many factors come together to make a movie as entertaining to mock as Battlefield Earth.

The only hope is that the rumored movie, “The Thetan” will be made by Tom Cruise and will star Victoria Beckham (a.k.a. Posh Spice). I’m pretty sure that whole news story was an elaborate joke, but the internet ate it up because everyone wants it to happen. It’s just too perfect.

Mupepe sent me this awesome flash game, and then I proceeded to destroy his record.

Monkey Kick Off (complete with my record challenge – 5077)

The last generation of consoles is one that has been around for over 7 years now, and is actually still going strong with the PS2 displaying ridiculous staying power. Maybe it’s me getting older and more jaded, but I feel like we will never see a future group of consoles push gaming as far as the “128-bit” era did, at least until we reach virtual reality or some sort of Existenz-type console. But you could say that about every generation of consoles. It’s the law of diminishing returns. Nevertheless, since the turn of the century 3D graphics have truly come into their own, game worlds have expanded beyond what any kid could have imagined a decade before, online gaming hit consoles for good, and the entire industry grew more profitable than Hollywood.

From the premature death of the Dreamcast, to the juggernaut that is the PS2, to the battle for second-place between the Xbox and Gamecube, gamers had more legitimately great consoles and games to spend their money on than ever before. I really wish I had a digital camera so I could take a picture of all of the consoles piled on top of each other. Google Image Search has failed me.

But enough about the consoles and my lack of a visual aid – this is about the games, which will be ordered chronologically by their release, even though ranking them would be interesting…

Soul Calibur

At least in America, Soul Calibur is one of the games that launched with the Sega Dreamcast to usher in the new 128-bit (I miss the days when bits defined a group of consoles) generation. It delivered 3D, weapon-based combat at an ultra-fluid, mind-blowing 60 frames-per-second that blew the fuck out of every game that had come before it. It improved on the arcade version in every aspect and set a new standard for home console graphics. I couldn’t believe my eyes the first time I saw Kilik spinning his bo around his body smoothly and realistically. After playing a match in Soul Calibur, I needed a Dreamcast. (Luckily, I was a spoiled only child.) The astonishing leap in graphics that Soul Calibur brought has not been matched since. And it wasn’t just the graphics – the fact that the fighting revolved around weapons that ranged from a massive battle-axe, to a samurai sword, to claws on a ambiguously gay demon made for some of the most fun I’ve had gaming in the past decade. Along with Virtua Tennis (another Dreamcast masterpiece), I can honestly say it’s one of the games that everyone instantly falls in love with. A person can button-mash and pull off amazing moves, yet there’s enough in the game to master to satisfy all but the most hardcore of fighting game enthusiasts (read: Virtua Fighter lovers). Even though it was a launch game, Soul Calibur remains the greatest game to grace the Dreamcast and a game that served to revitalize the fighting genre.

Shenmue

Every list needs a controversial entry. But whether you love it or hate it, there can be no debate that Yu Suzuki created a game like no other that came before it. Once again, the Dreamcast set a new standard in graphics, but Shenmue also created a living, breathing world (even if it was full of godawful voice acting). Some still vehemently state their hatred for the game and its boring tendencies, while others loved the freedom within the amazing game world, the mish-mash of multiple game genres, and the story. Obviously, I fall into the latter group, but I can admit that there were definitely a few tedious parts and that the fighting aspect could have been handled better. Nevertheless, the game just sucked me and I loved all the different things one could do within the game. You could play old-school Sega arcade games Space Harrier and Hang-On, gamble, practice your martial-art skills, talk to not just all the generic people on the street, but numerous unique characters littered throughout the world, and tons of stuff I can’t even remember. Two of the other defining aspects of the game are the time and weather system that served to make the game world feel even more authentic and the QTE (Quick Timer Event) sequences that allowed the player to participate in interactive cutscenes. While Shenmue was not the first game to employ this technique, it assuredly made it popular, as it has since been used in action games such as Resident Evil 4 and the God of War series.

Devil May Cry

Early PS2 games haven’t aged exceptionally gracefully, and that screenshot shows it, but Devil May Cry still rocks (even though DMC3 is inarguably the peak of the series). Back in 2001, this game must have been a revelation (unfortunately, I only recently got around to playing the series). It was the birth of the truly awesome 3D action genre. What started out as another installment of the Resident Evil franchise turned into a very different beast – one where the player is not just trying to survive, he’s attempting to kick as much ass as possible. The seamless transition between blade and firearm was a stroke of genius that allowed Dante to kill more effectively than any gaming character that had come before him. Some were turned off by the difficulty, but Devil May Cry just symbolized a return to the trial-and-error of many 2D action games of old. As any Mega Man fan knows, it only added to the feeling of accomplishment when you finally beat a tough boss. But when it came to the countless regular enemies throughout the game, it had never been more fun to totally rip apart enemies with dual handguns.

Grand Theft Auto III

THE game of the generation. There can be no debate that GTA3 was the most important, most influential console game of this decade. It took the freedom of Shenmue to a new, unbelievably fun, unabashedly violent level. Liberty City was the coolest game world ever created and the amount of carnage that could be achieved was ground-breaking. Of course, the appeal of the game appeared to be the violence to many concerned parents (and it undoubtedly was for many young kids), but I really feel like it was the sheer amount of things one could do in the game that made it such a massive phenomenon. To counteract the fact that a player could kill as many people as he wanted, upon entering a taxi or any sort of public service vehicle, the player could take on the corresponding job. So even within a game known for its over-the-top cartoonish violence, one can become a ambulance driver or firefighter. How awesome is that? The whole game was just so damn cool. The radio stations were extremely well-made, there were tons of fake cars, tons of side jobs, and a bunch of a weapons to wreck havoc with. Amazingly enough, there was actually a fairly decent story within the game, even though it wasn’t necessary; an obscene amount of fun could be had without ever going through the missions. The game provided a throwback to when games were just fun romps and as a result became the biggest word-of-mouth hit in a decade.

Halo

The Goldeneye of last generation. And just like the ground-breaking N64 classic, it had its share of detractors, mostly coming from the PC gaming sect or just RPG-loving japafags who either wanted another reason to bash the Xbox or actually didn’t enjoy it (I don’t know which one is worse). But they had a point, as the simple fact remains that the Xbox would’ve been dead in the water without this amazingly fun FPS. If it weren’t for Microsoft purchasing Bungie to get this game on their upstart console, we might not have the Xbox 360 right now. My friends and I stayed up all night playing multiplayer the first time we laid our hands on the Xbox controller. The wonderful dual-analog controls were numerous cuts above anything that had ever been on a console before. We didn’t want to leave the house. It’s an experience that lasted for years for millions of gamers across America. I remember hearing about Halo LAN parties even after the sequel had come out. GameSpy created a way for Xbox gamers to play Halo online against each other. The game became a phenomenon that led to the massive hype (and subsequent disappointment) around Halo 2.

Super Smash Bros. Melee

Not quite a launch title for the Gamecube, but anything that comes out before the first Christmas for a console might as well be. It was Nintendo’s answer to Halo, as it was an extremely fun 4-player game, but it was nowhere as essential to Gamecube’s success(?). Nevertheless, it took everything about the N64 version and supersized, perfected, and fanboy-stamped it. The amount of fan service and nostalgia in Super Smash Bros. Melee could make any person that grew up with Nintendo giddy: 25 playable characters that ranged from icons like Mario and Link to old, little-known creations like Mr. Game and Watch and Ice Climbers, 29 stages covering almost every Nintendo franchise, an insane amount of weapons, and even 290 virtual trophies of Nintendo characters and objects ranging Nintendo’s entire videogame-making history. Maybe my friends and I burnt ourselves out on Halo, and maybe the sequel soured us a bit, but SSBM has had more longevity, as I still pop it in and play it with friends every once in a while. There’s just too much fun and randomness to be had. As a result, the franchise is now arguably Nintendo’s biggest, as SSBM was Gamecube’s biggest seller. Not bad for a game that is a object of scorn for many fighting game fans.

The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Every gamer knows where he or she was when the now infamous Spaceworld 2001 video was shown. Link was a cartoon. What the fuck had Nintendo done to Zelda? This was supposed to be their key franchise and yet they took a massive risk with it – and paid dearly for it. The Gamecube never shed its kiddie image – Resident Evil 4 came too late – and Nintendo once again lost in the market-share battle to a first-timer in the console industry. But the funny thing is that The Wind Waker turned out to be an absolutely great, beautiful game, whose graphical style will no doubt stand the test of time more gracefully than that of The Ocarina of Time 2: Twilight Princess (some would argue it looks better now). Even though it’s almost impossible to die in combat, and the “Triforce Hunt” at the end of the game is frequently cited as one of the most annoying things in a recent game, the game is still loved by the vast majority of gamers. The story was a step above anything that had been seen in a Zelda game before, and the boss battles were pretty damn awesome for the most part. Nintendo knew what they were doing with the unique art style and truly made a game that embraced it – it’s just a shame that much of the mainstream gaming world shunned it from the very start.

Halo 2

I know I referred to Halo 2 as a disappointment before, so it seems pretty contradictory for it to have a place on this list, but its effect on the online gaming community cannot be understated. Xbox Live doubled in subscribers over the first year of Halo 2‘s release, and over a half-billion games of it have been played on Xbox Live. The Xbox truly served its rightful place as a Halo-box. The disappointment stemmed from the single-player campaign that failed to live up to the ridiculous hype, and the fact that it didn’t even feature the war-torn level that had been shown earlier at E3 to start up the hype train. The game was supposed to be about protecting Earth, but that turned out to pretty much be a lie and some people didn’t like switching to a Covenant Elite (seemed like an MGS move). And of course, the abrupt ending pissed off just about every gamer. Yet, the online multiplayer aspect of the game continues to go strong. The matchmaking system, while it has its faults, is still arguably the best on Xbox Live. Halo 2 truly brought online gaming to the forefront on consoles.

Shadow of the Colossus

This is really the 10th choice of the list. I had a few contenders, but I chose Shadow of the Colossus for Mupepe (you’re welcome). But really, the more and more I thought about it, this is a game that will serve as an example for years to come and deserves to be on this list. I was a bit hesitant because I know ICO was its spiritual predecessor and some gamers still prefer it, but I’ve never played it myself. On the other hand, I’ve played SOTC and I enjoyed it – even with the erratic camera, unique control scheme, and chugging framerate. I got accustomed to the controls and eventually embraced them, and the horrific framerate – in my opinion at least – only served to accentuate the cinematic feel of the game. I will never forget the moment I first encountered the first colossus. It was mind-blowingly huge. More amazingly, I actually felt bad when I killed it. It was the first tinge of guilt I had ever felt playing a game. SOTC is basically the complete opposite of a game like GTA3 in almost every possible way. I could kill a million pedestrians in the latter and not bat an eye (actually, I would be laughing), while in the former, killing one of the colossi would feel like killing an innocent creature, albeit a massive one. But perhaps the most outstanding part of SOTC is the aesthetic aspect; between the beautiful visuals and the fantastic orchestral soundtrack, the game is possibly the closest gaming has come to an interactive work of art. And the ending – I’m almost embarrassed to say – actually tugged at my heartstrings. No game has ever done that.

Guitar Hero

Ever notice how there’s now a whole section of rhythm and music games at stores like Best Buy nowadays? This is because of one game, and one game only – Guitar Hero. Dance Dance Revolution became a pretty big hit before it, but its success was mostly constrained to the arcade scene along with Asian kids and extremely hardcore gamers who wish they were Asian. Guitar Hero completely rocked the video game industry in 2005. With a 5-button controller guitar complete with strum and whammy bars, the game took America by storm. People of all ages fell in love with the game that allowed you to play classic songs ranging from “More Than A Feeling” to “Crossroads” to recent hits like “Cochise” and “No One Knows”. No more air guitar for the untalented and impatient among us. Within hours, anyone could play the game halfway decently and have fun ripping through the awesome tracklist (which was not surpassed in the sequel, by the way). Even the most self-conscious of the human race would fall victim to the awesomeness of Guitar Hero. And more surprisingly, even guitar and bass players ate up the game as well. Quite simply, Guitar Hero was some of the most fun last generation had to offer.

Honorable Mentions:

Metroid Prime – One of my favorite games of last generation. It brought the Metroid franchise into 3D better than almost anyone could have imagined. The visor made the first-person perspective more immersive than its ever been, and the boss battles were some of the most inventive of last generation.

Ninja Gaiden / Ninja Gaiden Black – Served as the Devil May Cry for Xbox. A truly awesome game that still has gamers arguing over whether it, DMC3, or God of War is the ultimate action game of the generation.

Burnout 2 – Truly served as the breakout game for the franchise that has become the most popular arcade racing series in gaming. Insane speed and spectacular crashes – what more could you want?

SSX – The start of the best franchise EA actually created last generation and served as the must-have launch title (fuck Madden) for the PS2 in America.

Resident Evil 4 – The rebirth of a franchise. Killing zombies was never this fun, and never looked this amazing either. Just a phenomenal, epic action game that pushed the limit of the Gamecube’s graphical power.

God of War 2 – I haven’t even played it yet, but from all accounts it kicks even more ass than its predecessor, which was already fuck awesome. The fact that it was just released on PS2 only cements that console’s status as a unstoppable force that will continue to sell well into next year.

- Curt Schilling spent all his time in the off-season leveling up his likeness in EverQuest II.

- Adam Dunn is still an absolute beast.

- The Yankees offense is going to have to carry the team throughout the season, but it looks up to the task.

- The Indians mean business.

- Holy shit, Brad Lidge is still godawful. (Why the hell did I pick the Astros?)

- NutriSystem worked for Felix Hernandez!

- Justin Morneau is picking up right where he left off.

- Ben Sheets is pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty good.

- Yep, the Nationals are going to suck.

No, really…it was yesterday. Did you even know?

(Note: This is a rant by my friend Justin – you’ll see)

Remember back when you were a kid? The warm weather was finally coming, your mother wasn’t nagging you to remember your coat, and kids from all around your block were oozing out their houses eager to start on this year’s fun and games. The school year was making its last stride and best of all; spring recess was right around the corner. Ah, life was good…that is until someone snuck up on you like a warrior ninja and sunk their cruel yet brilliant April Fools’ Day joke into your un-expecting back. In fact, all day AFD jokes flew around like rogue ninja stars, and not even the most Neo-like could dodge every one. Whether it be by your friends, your neighbors, or even your siblings, you were sure to somehow find yourself as the victim in someone’s evil plot.

If you somehow managed to make it through the entire day unscathed, that meant two things; either you pulled a lot of jokes yourself, or you walked around all day second guessing everything you heard/saw (and nobody liked you). Still, come the next day, you could count on hearing many a war story from that same host of candidates about their own run-in with the “fun” of the day.

Bottom Line: April Fools’ Day was alive and kicking (sometimes because a sign on your back told it to).

In modern times; however, AFD seems to be a thing of the past. No more are the days of outrageous office pranks, or fake love letters from that crush you had, written by your pals. If you’re like me, you spent the entire day the same way you spend every other day, then at one point or another, realized that it was indeed the first of April. In my case, I didn’t actually notice until 9:30 at night when I got home and sat down on the computer. “April Fools?” I thought, “where are all the jokes?…the stunts?” It was hard not to feel a bit like The Grinch standing bewildered on my mountain-top, wondering how this holiday could be possible without the material things.

The problem is, there is no deeper spiritual meaning to April Fools’ Day. If the Grinch stole that, all those Hoos down in Hooville would have stayed the hell inside and saved the song for another day. April Fools Day is about seeing the shock, horror, and humility on your friends face after you pull a joke on them. This is America, damnit! Where are we to find our laughs if not at the expense of our innocent acquaintances? Still, as I sat back and recounted the events of that day, I could not even remember an honorable mention of April Fools. For all intents and purposes, the day was over. I felt like a fool, but not in the way the day had intended.

So what happened?

Somewhere along the line did we all outgrow our need for immature pranks and sometimes hurtful gestures? Of course not! If you ask me, (you haven’t, but go fuck yourself, I’ll tell you anyway) April Fools’ Day got too popular. Indeed Fame, the same thing that killed Kurt Cobain, has now taken another! Forgive me if I lament the latter slightly more.

The point is, we expect it. We keep our guard up. The first of April isn’t too hard to miss, and so every year we wake up and put on our special anti-AFD armor. We check everything twice, and retain a definite skepticism to anything we see on TV, the internet, or hear on the radio. The fact of the matter is, April Fools’ Day was outdone! We didn’t just drag it in the back and beat the shit outta that fucker, we beat it, stuffed it up and hung it from the ceiling, then wailed on it some more, viva piñata style. When our best plotted schemes fell to the obviousness of the date, it was no longer worth the effort. April Fools’ Day had croaked.

The solution:

The world seems to work in an overall balance. Just ask Timberlake…what goes around comes around, and so I presume, if we continue down this road of non-event and bear a few years of prankless AFD’s the day may once again come, when you can say “April Fools Mother Fucker!” with pride. But there’s no fun in waiting!

That is why I, Justin, hereby claim the entire month of April, to be April Fools’ Month!!!! (AFM!) For too long have we been eclipsed in the shadow of a distinct day’s obviousness. The punch line is “April Fools!” anyway; setting aside one day to claim this righteous movement is just foolishness! (No pun intended [<---Lie])

Just think how much fun you’ll have waking up and wondering, what if? What if today I open up the fridge at work and a live wombat comes flying out onto my face! What if today is the day my friends filled my car with 1000 ping-pong balls and cut my brakes? What if?

Imagine, an entire month of fun and games, everyone being a victim, everyone being the joke. No one is safe, everyone wins. How pumped would you be knowing that somewhere along the line, at any moment, on any day, SOMETHING, SOMEONE, may be waiting to finally peer over your fallen, hurting, body, and with tears of joy in their eyes, point and say, “April Fools!”

Go out now, a changed person, for there are 29 days left in this glorious month. 29 more chances for you to seize the day! Go out now and change the world!

April Fools’ Day may be yesterday’s news, but it can truly be tomorrow’s glory.

- Written in the spirit of Colbertness

I can’t believe this shit. Not only was the college basketball title game a repeat of the college football title game, but Florida won again. This NCAA Tournament sucked. You can count the amount of huge upsets on one hand, and even the two big upsets in the first round were the ones that everybody expected. There was one day with a bunch of great overtime games. That’s about it. I’m pretty pissed I bought into the hype for the Georgetown-Ohio State matchup, as Oden and Hibbert were on the floor at the same time for about 28 seconds.

Florida just ran over everyone. They’re an example of a championship team that wasn’t actually torn apart by the NBA draft for once, and as a result they made a joke out of this tournament and repeated as champions. They didn’t have to play one game down to the wire. Horrible. It’ll be hilarious if Billy Donovan leaves after winning two straight championships.

Greg Oden can’t be too sad right now, as he’s still going to be the #1 pick, especially since he finally had a great game tonight. He really was unimpressive this whole tournament, and even though I didn’t get to watch the first half of tonight’s game, he looked better than any other time I’ve watched him, and his final stats were pretty good since he (shock!) didn’t get into foul trouble.

But really, thank God baseball has started.

Recently I’ve been going through the 5 seasons of Curb on DVD in chronological order and I just got up to this scene in the episode “The Special Section” from Season 3. It has to be one of my all-time favorite scenes. I’m ecstatic that YouTube had it.

I love Larry David.

The Mets just finished outplaying the Cardinals in every possible way. Glavine outpitched Carpenter, Lo Duca and Delgado contributed a couple of clutch hits, and the infield displayed some great glove work. The only mistake was Reyes getting caught by the ol’ “fake to third, pickoff to first” move, which Joe Morgan thinks is a balk anyway. Ok Joe, even though it’s been a part of baseball forever, according to the rule book it should be a balk. His point was completely incoherent anyway. God, Jon Miller and Joe Morgan have to be the worst broadcasting team in the history of baseball. The fact that they’ve been together for 18 years is embarrassing. But I guess national announcers always seem inferior to local ones. No one can beat the misogynistic Keith Hernandez though. I’m Keith Hernandez.

But to get back to the 6-1 victory by the Mets, I can’t overstate how good they looked. Beltran threw out David “The Shortest World Series MVP Ever” Eckstein at the plate on the fly, Jose Valentin made an awesome diving stop to start a inning-ending double play that saved at least two runs, and Glavine really pitched like the ace of a staff. So all in all, it was a good prelude to the true Opening Day tomorrow. It will be fun to see if Carl Pavano can get through a major league baseball game without getting hurt.

This year looks to be pretty damn tough to predict. Even the big teams have their weaknesses and question marks – mostly when it comes to pitching. The AL Central looks like it’s going to be an absolute battle, and the NL Central will be one as well too, but just between more mediocre teams. I still can’t believe the Cardinals won the World Series. How in God’s name did that happen? They won 83 games. What the fuck. The NL still sucks.

Anyhow, with further ado, here are my totally unfounded, amateurish predictions for the 2006 MLB season.

AL East

1. Yankees – At this point, it’s like the Braves were for the past decade. Until someone takes the division crown from them, you can’t bet against them.

2. Red Sox – Dice-K looked impressive during the spring, and their lineup still has the fucking terrifying combination of Manny and Ortiz.

3. Blue Jays – Their lineup is pretty damn good this year with the addition of Frank Thomas, and they have a formidable one-two punch at the top of the rotation with Halladay and Burnett, but this is their rightful place in this division.

4. Devil Rays – For some reason, I don’t think they’ll lose 100 games this season.

5. Orioles – When I’m putting you below the Devil Rays, you obviously suck.

AL Central (a.k.a. The Toughest Division to Predict in the History of Mankind)

1. White Sox – I’m a big Ozzie Guillen fan. Yep, that’s why they’re going to win this division.

2. Tigers – The way the Tigers kept all their players, but added one big bat (Sheffield) reminds me of what the White Sox did after they won the World Series. That didn’t turn out as perfectly as everyone expected; although, the Tigers didn’t go all the way last year.

3. Indians – Apparently, they had one of the most confusingly bad seasons on record last year, and they’re due for a little better record this time around. Unfortunately, they still play in the toughest division in baseball.

4. Twins – It’s a shame this isn’t softball and Johan Santana can’t pitch every game.

5. Royals - At least this prediction is set in stone.

AL West

1. Texas Rangers – I’m summoning the Law of Buck Showalter here.

2. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – Everyone seems to be getting on their bandwagon in this division. They can’t overcome one of the natural laws though.

3. Oakland Athletics – It might be surprising that they won’t make the playoffs, but they never go anywhere anyway.

4. Seattle Mariners – I feel sorry for Ichiro.

NL East

1. New York Mets - Sure, the starting pitching is a massive question mark, and the bullpen isn’t quite where it used to be, but the lineup will carry them until Pedro comes back. I hope.

2. Philadelphia Phillies -They also have a powerhouse lineup, so they’ll no doubt give the Mets a run for their money. The starting staff is fairly solid from front to back as well.

3. Atlanta Braves – They did patch up their bullpen a bit, and the team really is solid all-around. But I hate him. Third it is.

4. Florida Marlins – I don’t see them pulling out another amazing year like they did last time around.

5. Washington Nationals – The only interesting thing about following this team will be seeing if they break the all-time losses record.

NL Central

1. Houston Astros – This is for you MiG. I really think they can do it, too.

2. St. Louis Cardinals – Pujols, Pujols, Pujols. HGH, HGH, HGH.

3. Cincinnati Reds - I predict that Aaron Harang will actually receive at least one Cy Young vote this year. And that Ken Griffey Jr. will play in less than 100 games.

4. Milwaukee Brewers – Should be halfway decent this year; I might even have them a bit low. But then I remember that they’re the Brewers.

5. Chicago Cubs -The Soriano pick-up was nice. I think that young phenom Mark Prior could really make a difference if he’s called up this summer.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates – Awful. Only Pittsburgh could fuck up the new stadium formula for winning.

NL West

1. Los Angeles Dodgers – Possibly the best rotation in baseball. I really do not see them having any trouble running away with this division.

2. San Diego Padres – Jake Peavy will return to form; David Wells will as well. Unfortunately for Wells, that ends up with him getting body parts amputated.

3. Arizona Diamondbacks – I just realized how little I know about this division.

4. San Francisco Giants – Here’s to hoping Hank Aaron is pulled over drunk one night with Barry Bonds dead in his trunk.

5. Colorado Rockies – Who even gives a shit at this point?

I guess I’ll go and do some playoff predictions as well.

Wild Cards: Tigers, Phillies

AL Champs: Tigers

NL Champs: Mets (If you saw my previous choice, I was trying too hard to be objective. But fuck it, the Mets just looked great against the Cardinals. I don’t know what I was thinking.)

And the Tigers pitching staff will be able to throw to first base this year and they will win the World Series.

Now you might be wondering why I didn’t pick the “Sons of Showalter” to win it all. The reason for this is that when the Rangers win their ALDS series, Showalter will finally snap and suicide bomb the Rangers’ clubhouse, taking half the team with him.