In the Land of the Scouts, the Heavy is King

2009 February 25

I just had the best round of my Team Fortress 2 career. The opportunity to mow down multitudes of frolicking scouts will never present itself again, so I had to take advantage. I had 13 caps and 37 points in one life. To a halfway-decent TF2 player, that may not seem impressive, but it’s the most points I’ve ever had on one point, and I hadn’t even approached my record since the initial launch period and I went on a sniping spree. Maybe one other sniping life came close, but I certainly never came close with Heavy. I still only have a few hours of playtime with the Heavy, so that epic run makes it look like I’m awesome, when I’m actually a vagina of a Heavy. I do not usually make Mother Russia proud, as evidenced by the fact that I still don’t have any of the Heavy’s unlocks.

So I’d love to give some impressions of the new weapons, but I spent my time killing all the other people double-jumping around in order to amass an arsenal. Instead, I will post this video of all the Scout’s new domination taunts.

Edit: What the shit, my run apparently got wiped from my stats. It was there right after, but now it’s gone. I am just posting this so you do not think I am a liar. I know that revelation would’ve been life-changing. No need to worry, it’s just Steam’s fault.

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  • B||oodSire-AA-

    So I posted this in the wrong subject first, fuck you.

    Valve, you dont see me walking around trashing your servers do you? …Then why are you trashing my game?

    Okay, so the new unlocks pretty much suck, that was to be expected coming from valve’s genius think tank. This update took them 6 months to release since their last update, when they originally projected to be done with the entire process after 6 months.

    It seems, after a year, and only being done with 4 of 9 updates…some might say, they are somewhat behind. They are a nice company, they’re nice guys, but me and them are done professionally.

    Anyway, as for the weapons themselves. GARBAGE. If you were to take a group of seasoned TF2 griefers…like, maybe those on the 4chan servers…put them in a room and said “alright gives us 3 weapons to piss people off with” they would not have come up with a better set of unlocks.

    Maybe the primary would be more grief orientated, but thats it. Either way, it couldn’t get more useless.

    A baseball bat that throws a baseball and stuns people? A drink that gives a scout a mini-uber? “Its fucking DISTRACTING!”

    Not to mention the fact that the drink is highly exploitable. The thing is supposed to have a recharge time before use right? WRONG. Pop a drink in respawn and keep hitting the resupp cabinet, do it for about 30 seconds. Then go fight…you’ll be able to pop a drink one right after another indefinitely. You wont kill anything, but you wont die. You’ll just keep running around pissing everyone off, making all the other griefers jealous as they say to themselves, “whys that scout there, whats he doing there?”

    Then theres the Primary unlock. The Force-A-Fail …a 2 shot shotgun that does the same damage as the old gun, but only fires 2 shots?? I want to use this because it knocks people AWAY from me? Thats genius. Lets take a class that can only kill things when they are right next to a player and with a certain speed and make it so that they have a weapon that pushes the player away from the scouts lethal killing zone while slowing their shooting speed to a 3rd of what it once was. Great, sign me up, idiots.

    Scattergun = 6 shots at 100 damage a shot = 600 damage
    Force-a-bullshit = 2 shots at 100 damage = 200 damage (oh yeah plus a sweet knockback effect that if you land your first shot properly will push the enemy player out of 100 damage a shot range, doing even less damage)

    Then they tell me I am supposed to want the knockback effect on myself? Like I cant double jump? Like a 3rd jump is incredibly useful when its barely the height of another single jump, and then leaves me with only 1 shot to defend myself with?

    So a scout with the scattergun can hop any which way, jump on things, jump off things, come from ANYWHERE guns blazing…BUT, a scout with the force-a-screwthisuselesspeaceofshit can stay on the ground and push people out of harms way?

    Did anyone at valve NOT realize that if a scout uses his double jump ability but at the same time also wants to shoot (and pairing of non-related events that obviously never happened during playtesting) that the scout gets stopped dead in the air, making him a sitting duck? What if the scout gets attacked and shot up into the air and wants to shoot? He gets thrown back into a wall/off a cliff/off a point/ stuck in the air.

    But hey, if I stay on the ground in a linear/predictable playstyle I get to push guys away!

    Well I hope it was worth it because its bloody useless now isnt it?

    • CajoleJuice

      Man, you could’ve told me it’d be that long. I would’ve just made it a new post.

  • Anonymous

    Ok, so I just got the Orange Box, and I’m completely illiterate when it comes to PC games. I know I may be coming to the wrong place to ask this but since you all seem to know a lot about the game, can you help me? TF2 keeps crashing (the damned hl2.exe thing) after it joins a game. (HL2 and Portal work flawlessly btw if that matters at all). I looked far and wide and I’ve tried a lot of recommended fixes, but to no avail, I have yet to play an entire game or even see another player. I’m going crazy.

    • CajoleJuice

      I don’t think I can help you with that, unfortunately. I have a similar problem, but it’s only when I close the game (I think everyone gets this error with Vista/Windows 7). I would go to the steam support forums at to see if you can find a fix. It’s strange that only TF2 crashes, but I guess it has something to do with connecting to a server, since you don’t have to do that in either of the other games. I hope you can fix it. :(

  • Anonymous

    Yeah I have Vista Home Premium. I know my computer( it’s a laptop) isn’t exactly high-end but it’s still isn’t that bad. I’m hoping it’s the slow-as-hell dorm connection…It better be dammit. Thanks for the link!