My Christmas (Mitchell Report) Wish List

2007 December 13

So the Mitchell Report is coming out in a little over 12 hours. Every baseball fan is looking forward and/or dreading the names released. Obviously, I’m excited if it’s gotten me to update this blog for the first time in almost a month. From the 5 minutes I watched today, the PTI guys seem to think that a lot of people don’t care. From the baseball fans I know, they couldn’t be further from the truth. I keep hearing that there are going to be big names on it, but I can’t help but think this report can only disappoint tomorrow. They shouldn’t be getting people’s hopes up.

In the spirit of Christmas, here’s my wishlist:

Roger Clemens – Lots of fans have suspected him from a while, including myself. Not to mention he’s a total asshole. This would also really fuck with the writers who vote for the Hall of Fame. It’ll be hilarious to see them squirm.

Albert Pujols – Well, this isn’t so much hoped as much as expected.

Alex Rodriguez - Needs no explanation. …trannies

David Ortiz – Just to see Red Sox Nation cry beautiful, beautiful tears.

Chipper Jones – Braves fans would be…well, kinda disappointed. They’re horrible fans.

Curt Schilling – Would help to perpetuate the loudmouth hypocrite factor.

Gary Sheffield – Expected much more than Pujols, and maybe he would finally shut up.

Derek Jeter – The “intangibles” jokes would write themselves.

Tom Brady – I don’t care if he doesn’t play baseball.

As for people I DON’T want to see on the list…

David Wright – Man-crush

Bernie Williams – The best ballplayer I’ve ever met.

Ken Griffey Jr. – So he can continue to serve as the foil to Barry Bonds.

Mariano Rivera - Has always seemed like a good guy and a completely tranquil human being…that throws possibly the greatest pitch baseball has ever seen.

Greg Maddux – Always liked him more than Clemens, even if he was on the Braves. Plus he pees on rookies, which is disgustingly hilarious.

Ichiro - I don’t want him to commit seppuku and have the entire nation of Japan fall into a deep depression.

Pedro Martinez – He might be an asshole, but at least he’s pretty damn funny. Plus, he was the most dominant pitcher in the past 40 years for a while there.

Rick Ankiel – Oh wait, too late.

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  • funny facts

    I was searching for this kind of a blog for months now. Actually lost the hope of finding one, but here i am :) Thanks for the great articles! Looking forward for a little read after dinner :)

  • justin

    Clemens is one thing, but Jeter?

    Go snuggle up in your Mets T and hug your Mr.Met stuffed plush doll, but for the love of God, leave Jeter alone.

  • CajoleJuice

    The fallout would have been worth it.

    And Greg’s tears.

  • justin

    you just like to see catastrophy, your allegiance lies no where

  • CajoleJuice

    Pretty much

    As the Germans say, schadenfreude

  • justin

    the germans also say “throw the jew down the well” but that doesnt make it right

  • CajoleJuice

    But it’s funny (in Borat).