Please Don’t Go See Pirates 3

2007 June 1
by CajoleJuice

I made the mistake of going due to lack of options. I did the same with the second. Didn’t have much to do and everyone else wanted to see it, so I said “Fuck it” and dragged my ass to the theater with my buddies. I can’t believe I made the same mistake a second time. I would have rather gone to see Spider-Man 3, but my friends suck. There’s no way it could’ve been worse than this convoluted, bloated piece of garbage.

I really don’t know where to start, but not having Johnny Depp for a good 30 minutes in the beginning of the movie just sucked. Although, it made for a hilarious “YES” yell from some kid in the audience when he made his first appearance. And even though Depp was his usual awesome self, it seemed like the writers tried way to damn hard with making Captain Jack Sparrow as insane and weird as possible. Depp made the role himself in the first movie and it just got more and more forced as the series went on.

Orlando Bloom pretty much sucks. Keira Knightly, although pretty, isn’t much better. Man, just writing about this movie is a painful experience. The first half of the movie is almost action-free with too much of that black chick talking in her headache-inducing accent. The last hour or so is a huge ship-to-ship battle that does have pretty damn impressive special effects, though.

I really can’t bring myself to write much more. Even the two friends I saw it with – who were big fans of the first two – agreed this was the worst of the trilogy and just a disappointing film all around. Most of the jokes and gags fall flat, the plot is disgustingly thrown together, and the action isn’t as incredible as it could’ve been.

4/10

So if you haven’t already seen Pirates 3, go see Knocked Up this weekend instead.

Related posts:

  1. Pirates of the Caribbean 4 in Pre-Production
  2. Public Enemies Won’t Suck

from → Movies, Reviews

  • Justin

    the first one had funny chokes
    the second one had clever throw backs to those jokes
    the third became a cliche of the same old jokes

    Will Jack get slapped by those chicks again? Will the monkey do something silly? Will the bumbling pirate dudes do/say something they ought not to do?

    It almost seemed like the movie was a sitcom, having its Kramer fly through a door at random, or its Steve Urkle say, “did i do that?”

    As for plot, it seemed they thought they were much more clever than they actualy are. Pirates 1 had clever character dynamics, Pirates 2 had clever character allegiance dynamics, and Pirates 3 basicaly made everyone be a good guy and a bad guy at least once.

    At some points you aren’t actualy sure which side your meant to be on, and I’m not even an idiot like most people. All the blurred lines dont make you sit back and say, “Wow, what a crazy and adventurous climax of things.” Rather you think, “Theres nothing going on in this movie that coulndt be summed up in a good 5 minute dialogue.

    Too bad tho, its 3 fuckin hours long.

  • Bee

    You’re a little cynical, aren’t you? I hope you noticed how popular this movie was. t was the best of the three. Just b/c you didn’t like it didn’t mean no one can. Relax. And maybe go see it again. The second time it’s much better.