Tonight, The Fate Of Mankind Is Decided On ESPN
At 9 PM EDT, LeBron James will announce which NBA city he has picked to rest his throne. It will be the most important television event since man walked on the moon. Your grandchildren will ask you where you were when King James made his decision. They’ll ask you just how lazy Stuart Scott’s eye was on that fateful day. They’ll wonder if Charles Barkley missed it because he just wanted a blowjob. It will be put in history books alongside the assassination of Franz Ferdinand and the fall of Rome.
Of course, as with any earth-shattering event, the rumors have been swirling and changing every 12 hours or so. It always seemed like LeBron was leaning towards staying in Cleveland, but then that disappointing exit in the playoffs changed everyone’s perception, apparently. Chicago became a real possibility. New York was always talked about — and living in New York has magnified it 100x for me. Miami was thrown out there. Even New Jersey and Los Angeles (Clippers) were mentioned.
I spent most of the day today with a chubby because the rumors were pointing toward New York. I tried my best to remain pessimistic, but I couldn’t contain my excitement. LEBRON JAMES A KNICK. I would have to get my Knicks crap back out of the closet. Cleveland would go back to being the most depressing city this side of Detroit. Chicago would have to settle for rewatching games from the Jordan Era.
But now the internet is exploding over reports saying LeBron is joining Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade in Miami. He already was inspiring this type of vitriol just by making such a big deal out of his decision:
It doesn’t matter where he opts to go. If he goes to Chicago, he’s a cocksucker. If he goes to Miami, he’s a goddamn cocksucker. Even if he goes back to Cleveland, he’s a goddamn cocksucker. He’s a self-aggrandizing sack of shit, and ESPN is a bunch of pussy-whipped enablers for giving him a free hour of airtime tomorrow night and inevitably using 55 minutes of it to let Stu Scott give him a rimjob.
So imagine how much people will hate him if he goes to Miami and forms an unbeatable Big Three? Here’s a taste:
Now, the Association looks like a joke, a place where three individuals have held seemingly everyone hostage. New York’s rebuilding is a sideshow. Prokhorov’s participation in Russia’s insidious spying mission in America is something to track tepidly. Who even cares what the Clippers do now? The whole league has been submarined by LeBron, whose hubris these last few weeks has been ugly and costly. Outside of Miami, who will be left rooting for LeBron, especially after his made-for-TV drama? An NBA diehard, I am so disillusioned. This doesn’t feel right or fun. This feels terrible.
I really recommend reading that entire rant, as it’s absolutely spot-on and demolishes LeBron much more effectively than calling him a cocksucker a half-dozen times.
As an objective observer, I really believe LeBron should stay in Cleveland and build his legacy there — but I’m not objective. I want him to come to the Knicks, even if he is a cocksucker.
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