I don’t even know who to credit for the above pic. I saw it on GAF, but I’m 99.9% sure it didn’t originate there. And if you want the explanation: a “psychic” octopus predicted that Spain would win (among 7 other correct predictions).

So yeah, there was a lot of sex in Spain last night — especially in the soccer players’ hotel rooms and houses. Some of it even spilled out on camera. It must be nice to be the king of the sport the entire world plays, admittedly.

That final pretty much sucked, though. I guess I was rooting for Spain, but it’s not like I felt anything when they finally scored in extra time. The Dutch were playing ugly, rough football and the Spaniards were flopping all over the place. Who was I supposed to root for? Wait, did I say football? That probably happened because I’m regurgitating things I’ve read elsewhere. I was just glad it didn’t come to penalty kicks.

But I’m happy it’s done so we can get to the baseball equivalent of penalties: the Home Run Derby. Not like there’s anything else on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gqv4Vviod0c

As I’m sure all of you know, the U.S. lost today to Ghana in the knockout round of 16 in the World Cup. It was disappointing, but it’s not like the U.S. deserved to win, considering they still hadn’t learned that play starts with the first whistle. For the second time in four games, they allowed a goal in the first five minutes.

I’m going to try to be as serious as possible in this post. On Twitter today, I posted a bunch of joking, but derogatory things about soccer; I don’t feel they were unfounded, though. I think flopping (@QVT replied to me that it’s not called flopping — I would like him to comment on here and tell me what it’s called) is a major issue that causes many Americans to dismiss the sport. You’d need a 2160p television set to see some of the “contact” on which fouls are inevitably called due to a guy jumping through the air and holding his leg. And some Americans were all too content to join in, as pointed out in this blog post.

And the Ghanaians display at the end of the match today was arguably the worst thing that could have happened, American-interest-wise. After all the goodwill and excitement conjured up by Donovan’s goal, Africa had to ruin things once again. First the vuvuzelas, then stalling the game by lying on the fucking ground after absolutely nothing happened to you. I’m trying to think of a comparable tactic in another sport. I guess a pitching coach or catcher coming out to the mound to give a pitcher more time to warm up in the bullpen? But that doesn’t necessitate deceit. And maybe this is what @QVT was referring to when he meant it wasn’t flopping — it’s stalling. But it’s stalling by faking an injury (actually, it didn’t even look like the guy was trying to fake it — he was literally just LYING THERE). Whatever it is, it’s bullshit.

I also saw some people complaining about the offside rule on Twitter, but I have to imagine they’re mostly casual — if not totally bandwagon — fans (like myself).  I really would like a true soccer fan’s opinion on this. Yeah, I played soccer up until junior varsity in high school, but by that point I had already lost a step or three due to not playing in 9th grade and I barely remember it anyway. Either way, I can’t say I ever held a strong opinion the offside rule. I know it would create more scoring, right? I can’t see how that’s a bad thing. People who rip on baseball seem to think it would improve with more scoring. But similar to why I don’t like aluminum bats (other than the sound), maybe hardcore soccer fans like their goals scarce. But I’m not quite sure why I even bring up the offside rule, because like I said, I don’t have any strong feelings about it — the only time I did was when the U.S. lost a goal to it when they weren’t actually offside.

But I’m not getting at the heart of why many Americans find soccer boring to watch, especially when others are actively betting on เว็บแทงบอลออนไลน์. And I guess I’m going to project my own feelings onto the American public, but it’s because for much of the game there is absolutely NO chance of someone scoring in the immediate future, or at least that’s how it seems to the untrained eye. There is mostly passing in the middle and positioning, which doesn’t create much tension. In football, there could be a massive touchdown pass at any time. In baseball, every pitch can turn into a home run. In hockey — well, hockey is just a shrunken-down, sped-up version of soccer on ice, isn’t it? Only instead of flopping, there’s fighting. Basketball almost has the opposite problem of soccer in my mind, in the sense that there’s just so much scoring back and forth that it becomes mundane. Don’t ask me to explain NASCAR’s popularity.

But I have to admit Landon Donovan’s goal was fucking amazing. Even I was caught up in the sport at that moment. Perhaps that’s what watching soccer is all about? It’s waiting for that orgasmic moment that comes along once or twice a game if you’re lucky. It’s forgetting all the awful officiating and flopping to savor the ball getting buried in the back of the net. Sure, there are swathes of yawn-inducing play, but do those all-too-rare fantastic goals make up for that fact? I don’t know, but I’m still leaning towards no.

My question to myself right now is how I can continue watching this World Cup. I know England-Germany is a massive match, but who am I supposed to root for? It’s hard enough for me to keep my attention focused on the television during a U.S. match I have a rooting interest in, so how can I expect that match to grab me? Am I just supposed to pretend it’s 70 years ago and root against the Nazis?

And I need to go to sleep now. I doubt I’ll even wake up for the match now, anyhow.

Edit: How the fuck did I not comment on the awful officiating and how FIFA is totally averse to the use of any technology? I guess I mentioned how the U.S. got fucked out of a goal — well Mexico just got fucked. England got fucked earlier. There have been a dozen other awful calls too. Yet there is no goal line sensor or replay. Fucking joke.

Two perfect games have been thrown since I last wrote — one official, one unofficial. Even though Roy Halladay is on the Phillies, I was rooting for him to get that perfect game. I wanted people to realize how fucking awesome he is, and I think that’s finally happened. I think it’s happened with Chase Utley, too. Maybe It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia was the tipping point. Or maybe it was the 5 HR in the World Series. Who could possibly guess?

But a player that people don’t yet appreciate AT ALL is Ryan Zimmerman. I thought maybe his fantastic year last season — combined with David Wright’s down year — would bring him into the discussion as the best 3B in the NL. Sure, it has done that among internet denizens, but it seems the general public still doesn’t even know he exists. Hitting .295 with 13 HR while being lauded for top-notch defense apparently isn’t enough to be in the Top 5 in All-Star Game voting. It’s almost infuriating to hear people talk about Stephen Strasburg and say how it’s great that the Nationals “finally have a star.” I’d say that maybe 3B just isn’t that sexy or something, but both Evan Longoria and the aforementioned Wright have had their knobs lathered with sportswriter adulation for a couple of years now. Zimmerman deserves to be given EXACTLY the same amount of attention and praise. I should have left some of this for its own post.

The World Cup, on the other hand, I can cover more than well enough within this post — mostly because I don’t know shit and can think of multiple friends who could write up more interesting thoughts on it. I know America got fucked over, I know England has been hilariously awful, and I know there have been a number of mind-blowing upsets. That’s about as much as I can be bothered to type about soccer.

Two other sports I barely care about finished up in the past month. It’s kinda sad, because I do find hockey pretty damn exciting when I care (like USA-Canada in the Olympics), but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch more than a period of two a game intently. And that wasn’t until the Finals. The NBA just sucks. I hate it. I hate the Lakers. I hate the Celtics. I hate how games turn into foul-shooting contests. I hate how much refs can control games. I hate Phil Jackson’s face.

(I will overcome these feelings if LeBron comes to the Knicks.)

Keeping up with other things that suck, The Sporting News published their “25 Under 25″ list. This would be their rankings of the best young athletes in only the popular North American sports. There is no Michael Phelps. No Lionel Messi (someone alerted me to his greatness). No Rafael Nadal. These are three generational talents, but they don’t play baseball, basketball, (American) football, hockey…or drive a fucking stock car. To be fair, it doesn’t seem like they cover the sports in which those athletes excel, but it’s pathetic anyway. Even Sportscentury, if I remember correctly, made a point to say “North America” whenever referring to its list of greatest athletes of the 20th century.

If you didn’t figure it out, this was a way for me to mention Rafael Nadal taking back his rightful place as the King of Clay at Roland Garros. He now has five French Open titles to go along with his one Wimblebon and one Australian Open. He’s still not even halfway to Roger Federer’s total of 16 Grand Slam title, but he could make it there in the coming weeks at Wimbledon. I think every tennis fan is praying for another Federer-Nadal Grand Slam final. There hasn’t been one since the 2009 Australian Open. None of the finals since then have quite lived up to that one, although the Federer-Roddick 2009 Wimbledon war of attrition came close. I know some people found that serve-dominated match to be boring, but I found Roddick’s determination absolutely enthralling. That’s about as embarrassingly gushy as I’ve ever gotten on this blog, but fuck if I didn’t feel for Roddick after that match. HE JUST CAN’T BEAT FEDERER.

But yeah, a Federer-Nadal Wimbledon final is solely needed; I won’t accept anything less. I said going into 2008 Wimbledon that if Nadal beat Federer, it would signal the beginning of the end. I was wrong then, but I’m going back to that well. Federer is now 29. He didn’t reach the semifinals at the French, ending a streak of 23 consecutive Grand Slam semifinals. Nadal is not yet 25 — even if his knees might be older than Federer’s. I’ll leave it at that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idLG6jh23yE

This is the new Nike commercial for the 2010 World Cup, which starts on June 11. Only commercials like this should be allowed before films at theaters. I only wish I could watch it in full 1080p without it chugging. I don’t know whether it’s my computer or Chrome or that I just need to restart. I’m just proud of myself for recognizing three players featured in the video.

In other soccer news, I think there’s a Champions League final on Saturday? Maybe I should watch that as a warm-up for the World Cup to see if I can actually stand watching an entire match. They’re called matches, right? I know I tried watching a couple of years ago and by halftime I had all but passed out in my chair. I’ll report back in two days.

Free feel to rip on baseball in the comments for retribution, soccer fans.