Now, before you revoke my man-card and tell me to buy some tampons, let me give a few reasons for this blasphemy (spoilers, obviously):

I saw 80% of the awesome before I ever stepped in the theater

I saw Rambo rip an about-to-be-rapist’s throat out. I saw a sniping-induced decapitation. I saw Rambo come into focus over the shoulder of a dude and subsequently knife his guts out. I saw Rambo knife a dude, take over his m
ounted machine gun and kill the guy sitting in the very same jeep as the chain-gun. I saw Rambo gun down a truck full of dudes and blow up a ship with aforementioned mounted machine gun. Only watching Rambo shoot arrows through soldiers’ faces and blow up a megaton bomb were any surprise at all.

This attempt at a philosophical argument

John Rambo: Why’d you come back?
Sarah: Waiting for you.
John Rambo: I told you before, I can’t help you.
Sarah: Well we need to go and help these people, we’re here to make a difference, we believe all lives are special.
John Rambo: Some lives, some not.
Sarah: Really? If everyone thought like you, nothing would ever change.
John Rambo: Nothing does change.
Sarah: Of course it does! Nothing stays the same.
John Rambo: Live your life cause you’ve got a good one.
Sarah: It’s what I’m trying to do!
John Rambo: No, what you’re trying to do is change what is.
Sarah: And what is?
John Rambo: Go home.

Basically the only action I hadn’t seen going in was the MASSACRE OF AN ENTIRE VILLAGE

That was fun. Peasants and children getting their limbs blown off for a few minutes, topped off with flamethrowers burning whatever was left. At that point, I was almost laughing at the ridiculousness of what I was watching. Because I knew Rambo was going to kill the entire battalion.

The evil general is a pedophile

Apparently, Stallone didn’t think we got the point when he ordered the killing of hundreds of people and stole the children from a half-burnt down village. He had to be shown petting the head of a little boy, before the door closed… for the night. I guess we really had to hate him, so we could love it when Rambo sliced his guts up and sent him tumbling down a hill over his own intestines.

After the final battle, Rambo felt like staring into infinity

It was almost like that scene out of Kung Pow; Rambo and the woman he saved felt it necessary to stare at one another while the camera switched back and forth at least 6 times. It was obviously added to make the movie long enough to be deemed a feature-length film.

Ok, I think I’m being a bit tough on the movie. It promised ridiculously gory action, and it delivered. And most of the things I listed also could be construed as positives. I did laugh at “Go Home.” pretty damn hard. It just seemed a bit short. Maybe Stallone shouldn’t have released so many damn clips and a 4-minute-long trailer.