Anyone else glad that baseball has an Opening Day this year as opposed to an Opening Night on ESPN? I’d like all the teams to kick off the season on one day, but I’m not going to complain about baseball starting today. Without further ado, here are my predictions for the season so you can laugh at them later.

AL EAST

Red Sox 94 - 68
Yankees 91 - 71
Rays 89 - 73
Blue Jays 82 - 80
Orioles 75 - 87

Every team in this division is so good that it pulls the top down. I really, really want to pick the Rays over the Yankees, but when I think about the Yankee lineup top-to-bottom, it’s just too good. The Red Sox might be the biggest favorite in any division this year, though. Just disgustingly stacked. The Rays have done their best to make up for the losses of Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena, Matt Garza, and practically their entire bullpen. The Blue Jays might well be better than last year, but I can’t predict another 85-win season for them in this division. The Orioles went out and created a good lineup for themselves, but their pitching leaves much to be desired.

AL CENTRAL

Twins 87 - 75
Tigers 84 - 78
White Sox 84 - 78
Indians 70 - 92
Royals 67 - 95

Another year, another crapshoot of deciding which of the top three teams to pick to win the AL Central. Since the Twins seem to emerge victorious more often than their rivals, I’ll go with them. Plus they have that shiny new stadium and the cover boy for MLB the Show two years running. The Tigers have two strikeout kings at the top of their rotation in Justin Verlander and Max Scherzer, and their lineup is nothing to sneeze at. The White Sox have the deepest rotation in the division and added Adam Dunn. Maybe they should be higher. The Indians and Royals are both pitiful, but at least the latter has a stockpile of talent in waiting.

AL WEST

Rangers 86 - 76
Athletics 84 - 78
Angels 80 - 82
Mariners 71 - 91

The Rangers are due for some major regression this year, with the reigning AL MVP heading the list. The A’s improved their lineup over the winter and their rotation is solid, especially if Brett Anderson stays healthy. The Angels added an overpriced outfielder and not much else. The Mariners have to be better than last year.

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez, Red Sox

Going from Petco Park to Fenway Park as a power hitter is like going from Madonna to Kate Hudson. I guess Adrian Gonzalez needs to go Dodger Stadium next.

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester, Red Sox

Two Red Sox winning the two big awards. Sorry, the dude is really good. He and Lance Armstrong have magic powers they gained from cancer.

AL ROY: Jeremy Hellickson, Rays

Obviously, the AL East is the only division in the American League.

AL Champion: Red Sox

Jon Lester, Clay Buchholz, Odd-Year Beckett, and John Lackey is a decent playoff rotation. With lights-out defense behind them, I see them rolling through the rest of the league. And have I mentioned their lineup?

NL EAST

Phillies 93 - 69
Braves 91 - 71
Mets 80 - 82
Marlins 79 - 83
Nationals 69 - 93

I’m not going to jump on the Braves bandwagon just yet. The Phillies still have four of the top dozen pitchers in the National League. Even if one goes down, that’s still three of the top ten. But if this isn’t the Braves’ year, it probably will be next year. And the next. Sigh. The Mets may already be starting 2011 off on the wrong foot, with Jason Bay already hurt, and Carlos Beltran still not 100%, but I think they threaten to crack .500 this year. The Marlins will be right in the middle of the pack like they always are, and the Nationals will bring up the rear while they wait for Stephen Strasburg and Bryce Harper.

NL CENTRAL

Brewers 85 - 77
Cardinals 83 - 79
Reds 83 - 79
Cubs 81 - 81
Astros 69 - 93
Pirates 68 - 94

The Brewers, even with injury concerns with their two big offseason pickups, Zack Greinke and Shaun Marcum, are the favorites here if only because they are obviously going all out this year. If they are in the race, I could see them targeting Jose Reyes at the trade deadline. The window closes when Prince Fielder leaves, and that’s after this season. The Cardinals even without Adam Wainwright will be a solid team as usual, and the Reds will come back down to earth a bit. The Cubs will surprise with a decent season, while the Astros and Pirates will continue being model trainwrecks.

NL WEST

Rockies 89 - 73
Giants 89 - 73
Dodgers 83 - 79
Padres 75 - 87
Diamondbacks 69 - 93

The Rockies and Giants will face off in a one-game playoff and somehow the Rockies will be the team to advance. The Rockies’ pitching staff may not be the Giants’, but they are dangerously underrated. But I’m probably picking the Rockies to win only because I want to see Troy Tulowitzki win an MVP award. Brandon Belt will be this year’s version of Buster Posey for the Giants. The Dodgers will be solid — I could easily see them outperforming this prediction. The Padres and Diamondbacks I can’t bring myself to write about. Don’t care now that Mat Latos is hurt, sorry.

NL MVP: Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies

I picked him last year, and I’m going with him again. Did you see him hit in September? He could hit 35 HR this year while hitting .300 and playing tremendous defense at shortstop.

NL Cy Young: Tim Lincecum, Giants

I don’t want to break my rule of avoiding back-to-back winners. I’d say you shouldn’t bet against Roy Halladay, but you would have lost that bet in the playoffs last year. Against Tim Lincecum. Well ok, Halladay won Game 5, but that Jayson Werth home run was Citizens Bank Park bullshit.

NL ROY: Brandon Belt, Giants

I already said he was this year’s version of Buster Posey, didn’t I?

NL Champion: Phillies

I didn’t pick them last year, so I’m allowed to be boring and go with them this year. Sure, the lineup might be a shell of its former self, but we all saw the Giants’ pitching staff carry the team the last two months in 2010.

World Series Champion: Red Sox

Whatever.

This post might end up being the longest stream-of-consciousness post I’ve ever made. I’m not going to be looking up projections or Vegas lines or predictions while typing it up. I’m not going to be calculating stats in spreadsheets. I’m not even going to link anywhere else, since I’ll just do that in my link post later today. This is going to be the same talk you would get from me if you ran into me at the bar right now, devoid of Baseball-Reference and Fangraphs (I would link, but that’d be already breaking my promise).

While I’m giddy about meaningful baseball kicking off again, my excitement is of course tempered by the knowledge that the Mets will be lucky to break .500. There’s no way Omar Minaya actually believes the bullshit he spouts during an interview with Mike Francesa on WFAN, specifically when he insists he has some sort of faith in the starting rotation. He calls back to past performance of John Maine and Oliver Perez, but the last year they were good was 2007. And it’s not about past performance. It’s about future performance, and there’s not much of a reason to believe that either pitcher will regain their best form — and their best form isn’t exactly mind-blowing. Maine doesn’t have the late movement on his fastball that allowed him to throw it so frequently years ago. Perez just did not have the same stuff this spring, much like when he pitched last season. Maybe he’ll walk less than a man an inning this time around, though. I guess I have to hope Mike Pelfrey and Jonathan Niese live up to their potential.

Shall I go on about the Mets before I spout my thoughts on the rest of the league? The Opening Day lineup has to the most pathetic $130 million can buy. Gary Matthews Jr., Alex Cora, Luis Castillo, Jeff Francoeur, Mike Jacobs, and Rod Barajas will make up two-thirds of it. REPLACEMENT LEVEL LINEUP GO! I would certainly play Angel Pagan over Matthews Jr. and if the Mets are going to have Ruben Tejada on the Opening Day roster, there’s no way I want a 20-year-old who has been tearing it up this spring sitting on the bench while Alex Fucking Cora plays SS. And if somehow he does well while Reyes is hurt, move him over to 2B. The results of such a move certainly wouldn’t be any worse than Daniel Murphy in LF last season. I don’t care about starting his arbitration clock. The Mets have a lot of goddamn money.

Johan Santana will stand out quite a bit in that disaster of an Opening Day lineup. Shit, he’s a better hitter than some of the guys in front of him. Together with David Wright and Jason Bay, he makes up the trifecta of players with any significant value until Jose Reyes and Carlos Beltran come back. Daniel Murphy isn’t awful — especially if he repeats his second-half performance from last year — but he’s not exactly a heavy hitter for 1B, either.

Concerning David Wright, I’ve been predicting 23 HR for a while, but his spring — stupidly — has me a bit more optimistic at this point. He looks really good at the plate. If he took roids, I’m glad. He needed them. Bay will be the second-best hitter on the team, while covering a 20 square foot area in LF. I don’t know what the hell to expect from Reyes and Beltran once they return, I really don’t.

Have I written a diatribe on Jenrry Mejia yet? Oh yeah, I have. But the Mets didn’t listen to me and they’re going to put him in the bullpen. Fuck everything. Francisco Rodriguez will continue his decline. Pedro Feliciano and Sean Green combining for 8th inning duties isn’t a terrible idea, though. Bullpens are always tough to predict, I feel. Having said that, I do think the Mets’ has a very real potential to be a disaster, which undoubtedly is why they felt the need to put Mejia in it. Sigh.

I think I’m done with the Mets. Perhaps I’ll add additional thoughts when I get to the NL East.

AL EAST

Yankees 102-60

Red Sox 96-66

Rays 91-71

Orioles 74-88

Blue Jays 67-95

The Yankees are fucking stacked, plain and simple. They have $200 million to throw around each year and starting with last offseason, they’ve really learned how to spend it wisely. Supplementing the massive three deals they inked to cement that World Series title, they went out and grabbed Javier Vasquez and Curtis Granderson in two disgustingly good trades, despite what many Yankee fans may say about trading Melky.

The Red Sox aren’t exactly far behind — they just have a lot more value hidden in their fielding. No team’s lineup comes close to the Yankees, so the Sawx decided to grab a few defensive specialists who can also hit a bit in Adrian Beltre and Mike Cameron, and also signed John Lackey to form an extremely formidable 1-2-3 combo. I think it’s the best in the majors, as Jon Lester will be phenomenally good.

And then there’s the rest of the division. It’s sad that the Rays are an afterthought, but I just don’t see them contending with the Yankees and Red Sox. They’ll put up a good effort through most of the summer, though. Poor Orioles and Blue Jays. I guess at least Orioles fans still have some young players to watch in Matt Wieters, Nick Markakis, and Brian Matusz. Jays fans have…Adam Lind? And oh, Aaron Hill. Yeah.

AL CENTRAL

Twins 84-78

White Sox 83-79

Tigers 79-83

Indians 76-86

Royals 68-94

As seemingly always, this division can go a lot of ways. I don’t see the Indians as a contender, though (the Royals go without saying). People might point to Joe Nathan going down as a reason why the Twins might not win the division, but he’s not as important as he might seem. No closer is. The Twins have a pretty damn good lineup that I think will carry them. The White Sox have the pitching. And the Tigers have a bit of both. Any of them can win, I think — but I have to put my fake money on the Twins and Joe Mauer.

I don’t think the Indians have an ace pitcher to trade away this season — unless Fausto Carmona makes a huge comeback. If his ERA is around 3.00 come August, I wonder which team he’ll end up with.

The Royals suck. If only Zack Greinke could pitch every game.

AL WEST

Mariners 86-76

Angels 85-77

Rangers 85-77

Athletics 75-87

My sabermetric leanings almost force me to pick the Mariners, with their emphasis on defense. The Cliff Lee trade created an insane 1-2 punch with Felix Hernandez (unfortunately, it won’t kick into gear until a month into the season). The Chone Figgins signing was also a great move. On the other hand, the Angels just always outplay their numbers. It’s uncanny. And the Rangers have an obscenely young team that I wish I was a fan of. This will be a very, very interesting division. I predict 1276453 mentions of how badly the A’s are doing and whether Billy Beane has lost his touch or whether MONEYBALL works anymore.

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez, Mariners

I’m picking Mauer for the MVP, so I didn’t want to pick both of last year’s winners. So since King Felix was pretty damn awesome last year and I predict his team to win the AL West, I’ll go with him.

AL MVP: Joe Mauer, Twins

The best player in the American League, hands-down.

AL ROY: Brian Matusz, Orioles

He seemed popular in my auction fantasy draft. That’s enough evidence for me.

AL Champion: Yankees

Baseball playoffs are so unpredictable, so this is a pick that can get a bit creative, but I can’t bring myself to pick against this $200 million juggernaut.

NL EAST

Phillies 90-72

Braves 84-78

Marlins 80-82

Mets 78-84

Nationals 74-88

I’ve seen a few projection systems putting the Braves above the Phillies. I really cannot see that happening, barring a Mets-like injury bug befalling the Phillies. I’m talking Chase Utley, Ryan Howard and Jayson Werth all going down. Sure, the Braves rotation is pretty solid all the way through, but the Phillies lineup is just too good. And now they have Roy Halladay. Brad Lidge also can’t be any worse than he was last year.

But the Braves will be good enough to contend for the wild-card (and I predict them to win it), as I think Chipper Jones has one good season left in him and Jason Heyward will have a solid season at age 20. I might actually be underestimating the Marlins, as opposed to the Mets. The Nationals won’t contend this year at all, but they definitely have the pieces in place for a possible run in 2011. Even if Stephen Strasburg pulls a Mark Prior, he’ll still be good for a year and a half before he falls off the face of the baseball earth!

NL CENTRAL

Cardinals 89-73

Reds 79-83

Brewers 79-83

Cubs 79-83

Astros 75-87

Pirates 70-92

The Cardinals — and then everyone else. This division is mediocrity defined. I can’t even bring myself to type anything up, because 1) I’ve used up my energy at this point, and 2) the Midwest sucks. Other than the Cardinals, all these teams could be dissolved tomorrow and I wouldn’t give a fuck. Keep Wrigley Field standing as a U.S. Historical Landmark signifying pure ineptitude.

NL WEST

Rockies 87-75

Dodgers 83-79

Giants 81-81

Diamondbacks 79-83

Padres 72-90

Yes, the Rockies. The Dodgers have Vicente Padilla lined up as their opening day starter. The Giants lineup is still godawful. The D-Backs are depending on Brandon Webb to regain his previous form and I’m not sure it’s going to happen. And the Padres only have one Adrian Gonzalez. A World Series game in November in Denver would be interesting.

NL Cy Young: Roy Halladay, Phillies

I love Tim Lincecum, but winning three Cy Youngs in a row is tough, and Halladay is going to eat the NL alive. The most formidable lineup in the league is the one he takes the field with. 20 W, 2.50 ERA, 220 Ks. Book it.

NL MVP: Troy Tulowitzki, Rockies

This is the biggest limb any prognosticator can go on. I am not predicting that Albert Pujols will win the NL MVP award. I just want ANYONE else to win it, and if the Rockies win the NL West on the back of another fantastic season from their sure-handed shortstop, I think this prediction has a non-zero chance of coming true.

NL ROY: Jason Heyward, Braves

Really, who else am I going to pick?

NL Champion: Cardinals

This time around, I don’t think the Phillies rotation will do as well in the playoffs. As amazing as Roy Halladay is, it’s practically impossible for him to be better than Cliff Lee was. Meanwhile, I think the duo of Chris Carpenter and Adam Wainwright will actually win some playoff games. This is probably wishful thinking.

World Series Champion: Yankees

Yeah. Whatever.

So there we go. Are you ready for the season to start?

Tonight. 8:05 PM EDT. Yankees vs. Red Sox. ESPN. Jon Miller and Joe Morgan. Goddamn it.