Tom Brady and the Patriots are old and busted. The Jets are the new hotness. First-place, bitches!

Unfortunately, I definitely did not watch the game as closely as I should have. I was too busy posting in football threads on the internet, and keeping tabs on my fantasy football teams and my H2H fantasy baseball team. That’s a lot of work! I can’t spend all my time just lying on the couch actually watching an entire football game. So I’ll do what I do best — post stats.

Mark Sanchez after two games:

60.4% completion pct, 435 yards, 2 TD, 1 INT, 91.3 QB rating

Not bad. Not bad at all. Let’s just ignore the two fumbles.

But Sanchez really isn’t the reason the Jets won today. The defense was definitely the star, making Brady look like total shit. Maybe Brady could have done that himself, since he doesn’t look like he’s back in sync with the offense yet, but major credit has to go to any defense that keeps the Patriots to 9 points. This is just what I needed to jump on the Jets bandwagon! Not that I wasn’t already a Jets fan, but I haven’t actually invested much time following the team for years. Favre wasn’t enough last year, since he was an incredibly old and I hated his guts for being such a selfish douchebag. Now with a new non-overhyped coach, and a young, impressive QB, I just might be down for watching every game this season. Now I need a certain friend to talk to me about football so I can sound more informed.

I still can’t believe that Sanchez is younger than me. The starting QB of my favorite NFL team was born after me. I am officially old now.

I don’t even remember how much football I actually watched. I definitely had the Jets-Texans game on for a bit, but for the most part, I’ll admit that I missed Mark Sanchez lighting up the Houston defense. Then on Monday I had the Patriots-Bills game on, and with 5 minutes left and a two-possession lead, I thought that maybe the Bills actually would win the game. The next time I looked up from the book I was reading, the Patriots were winning by one fucking point with 30 seconds left. The Jets could have had the best Week 1 possible, what with a win and impressive Sanchez performance, and a Patriots loss on top of that — but no, the Bills had to choke that shit away by fumbling a kickoff return instead of downing it in the end zone. I guess they thought it was an early 90s Super Bowl or something.

The only other notable thing I actually saw live was the ending to that Broncos-Bengals game. That would only happen to the Bengals.

So yeah, this post fucking sucks. I’m shocked you actually read this far.

Perhaps I should address the title of this post. I will definitely watch Mark Sanchez Futureâ„¢ battle the Anti-Christ Tom Brady this Sunday, considering it’s always a huge game. Maybe I’ll actually have insight to share after keenly watching the game. And by keenly watching, I mean having the game on the background while I do some other bullshit. Or sleep.

No wonder I suck at fantasy football.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EaeF_mj8_sY

Needed to be posted.

The failure of the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII has sent ripples through the fabric of America and has raised many questions not only in my mind, but in the minds of all football fans. If you want to bet on your favorite sports teams and play slot88 games to win exciting prizes, you may visit an online casino.

I’m going to try to go through some of them here.

Did we just see the end of the Patriots dynasty?

The Patriots defense is old, and it’s what ultimately failed them. All they needed to do was stop Eli Manning from driving down the field with two and a half minutes left, and they couldn’t even do that. Also, the recent Yankee dynasty ended in similar, shocking fashion in the 2001 World Series, and this choke job eerily parallels the collapse in the 2004 ALCS. Now Yankee fans have a comeback when a Masshole brings that up.

Will the Tiki Theory now replace the Ewing Theory?

I personally think it should. Now I was a Knicks fan through the 90s, so maybe I have a bias here, but Ewing never badmouthed his coach and former players, at least to my recollection. The dude played his heart out and was disgracefully traded away. They may have made the Finals the year after, but look at the Knicks organization now. Meanwhile, all Tiki Barber has done since (and even before) he retired was talk shit about Tom Coughlin and Eli Manning. I hope he really enjoys pretending he’s a legitimate broadcaster. He’s not going to win any rings doing that.

Is Archie Manning the greatest father ever?

The guy sired and raised back-to-back Super Bowl MVPs. Not only that, but they both stopped Tom Brady from winning two more Super Bowl rings. He is the man at the forefront of the battle of good vs. evil.

Did Bill Simmons really just write this?

Through some mutual friends, I had arranged to hang out with Brady’s crew for what promised to be a laid-back celebration in somebody’s hotel room, probably no more than 15-20 people since Brady’s circle is surprisingly and refreshingly small. Because it was a rare chance to catch Brady in an unguarded moment — and an important moment at that — I spent most of Friday and Saturday thinking about that first paragraph and all the different ways it could start. I kept seeing Brady sitting in a chair with his right ankle encased in ice, quietly sipping a bottle of champagne with a satisfied smile on his face, and Gisele would be there, and everyone would be recapping 19-0 and remembering the incredible season. I liked the thought of a famous person celebrating a historic night in such a totally normal and relatable way.

That is more embarrassing than anything I ever wrote in my LiveJournal.

How long until Gisele breaks up with Brady?

Well, Jessica Simpson hasn’t broken up with Tony Romo, and he’s a much bigger loser than Brady. It’s much more likely that Brady will get her pregnant and subsequently leave her.

How many tears did Junior Seau cry last night?

Is this the greatest Super Bowl ever?

I’m inclined to say it is, but I’ve only been watching them for 15 years or so. But my grandpa backs me up, and he made a point of saying this was better than Super Bowl III. Like I said yesterday, add up the Patriots going for 19-0, the Giants deciding to become unstoppable out of nowhere, Manning vs. Brady, and one of the most intense games you’ll ever see, PERIOD, and you get a spectacle worthy of the name Super Bowl.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJ2yK5C9Ae4

SOOOOOOO AWESOME.

I’m still in shock. I just witnessed quite possibly the greatest Super Bowl of all-time. Adding up all the factors — the perfect season on the line, the Giants underdog storyline throughout the playoffs, Brady vs. the Mannings, and the fact that the game itself was absolutely amazing — I don’t know how anything else can stack up. I wish I was in the city to go insane with thousands of other fans. I’m not even a Giants fan, but it was a New York team going up against an undefeated New England team led by the Anti-Christ himself. Every New Yorker, and hopefully the vast majority of the country, was rooting for the Giants to smash Brady’s face in. And they most definitely did.

The Giants defense rattled Brady like no other team this season. He got hit at least a dozen times. He was throwing passes 5 years off target. He didn’t know where he was by the end of the game. They held the mighty Pats offense to 14 points. No one saw that coming, including myself. The Giants D-line was the MVP of the game, but I guess Eli deserved it for this play alone.

God reached down and slipped Eli free from that sack. He also provided David Tyree the stickum to hold onto that catch. I can’t describe how unbelievable that play was. One of the greatest football plays I’ve ever seen. It will be shown approximately 238929834 times over the next week, and I will never get sick of it. The new Immaculate Reception.

My friend Frank said that he knew the Pats were in trouble once Belichick showed up with a different hoodie. You don’t change your sweatshirt after 18 wins in a row. I thought the opposite when I saw that Peyton had shown up at the game. Superstition: it’s the baseball player in me. I’m kinda pissed I didn’t lay any money down on the Giants. I knew they’d cover the spread at the very least. Bah.

That’s about all I have to say on the subject at the moment. Not much needs to be said. The Giants just pulled off one of the biggest upsets in professional sports history. Eli Manning silenced his critics, me being one of them. The Patriots and Tom Brady’s quest for immortality was ruined. And Tiki Barber is left to eat massive amounts of crow and know that the Giants won a Super Bowl the first year without him. More than enough ownage to go around.

And yes, this website is hilarious: Perfectville

I wish I could see the video they made for the Patriots.

A decade ago, the entire country could rest easy knowing that while the Bruins and Celtics were respectable franchises, the Patriots and Red Sox would always ultimately end up losers. And football and baseball are the two big sports anyway, with the Red Sox being THE team of Boston. Since the dawn of the 21st century, both the Red Sox and Patriots have been dominant teams, with the latter being a historic juggernaut. The Red Sox winning their first World Series in 82 years was enough to make people start going to church in preparation for the Apocalypse.

Boston fans no longer wait the wheels to fall off. It looked like they were about to in the 7th inning tonight, but a bonehead move by the Indians’ third base coach cost the Indians the tying run, and then the Indians’ bus subsequently had its wheels fall off, tumbled down a cliff, and burned in a massive inferno. A Game 7 that was on its way to being an all-time classic ended up being an embarrassing 11-2 win for the Red Sox. They won the last two games of the series at Fenway Park by a combined score of 23-4. The Indians shit the bed and then proceeded to roll in the sheets.

Now only God’s Wrath in the form of the Colorado Rockies can stop the Red Sox. Ultimately, I think the massive layoff will hurt them. Plus, I just can’t imagine them keeping this insanity any longer, especially against this Red Sox team. They are just incredible. Josh Beckett is like Roger Clemens in his prime — a nasty, hard-throwing Texan — only he’s actually good in the postseason. He’s just amazing to watch, even in postgame conferences.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zw8zHUjwvCo

He fits right in with the rest of team. Manny tells it like it is, saying that it wouldn’t be the “end of the world” if the Sox lost — something Red Sox fans definitely don’t want to hear. Dustin Pedroia was caught partying it up after the Red Sox clinched the AL East title. The entire bullpen plays fucking songs out in the outfield throughout the game with whatever objects they can find. And Papelbon has his tough guy face, and goggles:

I’m absolutely disgusted right now. In addition to the Red Sox completing their ALCS comeback, the Jets blew their game today against the fucking BENGALS in the second half while the Patriots continued their march to an inevitable Super Bowl win and possible undefeated season (it’s all riding on that Colts game coming up). How did this happen?

A comment from GAF:

Massachusetts is like Israel and Brady is our lord returning from Heaven, the Red Sox are Brady’s Angels obviously. It all makes sense. Such a beautiful moment.

To which I replied:

If that’s truly the case, this will all be worth it to see Brady die on a crucifix.

It would truly be glorious. Here’s to hoping this is God’s master plan.

The sweatshirt slob Bill Belichick was just fined the NFL maximum of $500,000 and the New England Patriots were fined an addition $250,000 and will lose a first-round pick (if they make the playoffs) for videotaping the Jets sideline this Sunday. Excuse me for a second while I imagine the damage control that must be ensuing across New England right now.

I’m not really sure how to express my feelings into words. A big part of me is elated to see the Patriots dynasty and Belichick get tainted like this, but on the other hand, I feel like it’s going to be forgotten as quickly as Sammy Sosa’s corked bat. And is it really that big a deal? Guys try to steal signs all the time, Belichick just set up a more elaborate system to do it. He got caught, and he has to pay the price. That price probably should’ve been higher. There’s also the whole “Mangini must’ve known while he was there” angle. I’m not quite sure I buy that. I just know that I wouldn’t have wished something like this to happen to any other team. Man, I’m loving it.

(Tom Brady was obviously behind all this, seeing as how he’s the Anti-Christ)

If that isn’t the face of pure metrosexual evil, I don’t know what is.

I knew the Chargers were fucked when Brady executed another one of his perfect 2-minute drives at the end of the first half. I have no clue where the hell that came from. I guess he hadn’t activated his true powers yet. The Chargers utterly dominated pretty much the entire first half, yet they only had a 14-10 to show for it. The second half saw the Chargers continue to play conservatively, and they paid dearly for it. Belichick and Brady just found a way to win, as they always do in the playoffs. I knew it. ESPN analysts owned.

Unfortunately, with their win, the Patriots have set up a week of agonizingly non-stop, overly dramatic coverage of the Colts-Pats matchup on ESPN. It really is the Red Sox-Yanks of the NFL. Maybe this is the year where the Colts finally break through. Why? Because they have the only man that combat the evil power of Tom Brady: Adam Vinatieri.