Inspired by @firejerrymanuel: only teams not to make playoffs since 2006: Jays, Royals, #6org, Mets, Marlins, Pirates, Astros. #teamsuicide

— Joelsph (@CajoleJuiceEsq) October 3, 2012

Turns out I forgot the Padres in that tweet, but it’s not like that helps. That’s a depressing list.

Toronto Blue Jays – This is easily the best team out of the list, with the unfortunate status of playing in the AL East. I still can’t see the Orioles repeating what they did this year, but the Red Sox aren’t going to be a doormat for long. The only hope for this team is waiting for the Rays to run out of their top draft picks. But maybe they’ll move by then and make more money and sorry Jays fans. Douse yourself with inflammable maple syrup and light yourself on fire.

Kansas City Royals – The team of the future had two of its two big hitting prospects, Eric Hosmer and Mike Moustakas, have way below-average hitting seasons. They are still waiting for their pitching. It probably will not live up to the hype. Just end it all now.

Seattle Mariners a.k.a. #6org – I made the mistake of actually thinking they were a decent lock to finish 3rd in the AL West. Turns out Billy Beane is still ten times better than Jack “Savior” Z. “I am a false prophet; UZR is a superstition.” I guess fans can wait until King Felix gets hurt to finally drink bleach.

New York Mets – A team headed by broke owners who have no desire to sell the team. Sure, some might say they’ll be able to spend after 2013 due to the contracts of Jason Bay and Johan Santana ending, but almost every time someone writes about the Mets finances it’s bad news, despite a Madoff victims settlement I thought boded well for the Wilpons. Maybe they’ll just let the contracts come off the books and spend the money on shitty bullpen help again. Much like with #6org and King Felix, I’ll wait until David Wright is gone before putting a gun in my mouth.

Florida Marlins – No one fucking cares. Edit: Notice I said Florida Marlins. God, they suck.

Pittsburgh Pirates – This franchise’s streak of 20 straight losing seasons is the new 56-game hitting streak. It’s more impressive than whatever record Drew Brees just broke last night. Teams just fall into winning seasons every once in a while, like the Marlins, or the Orioles this year — even the Royals have had them in 10-year intervals the past 20 years (they are due for one in 2013!). This is an organization that signed a couple of Indian dudes because I don’t know, Slumdog Millionaire. But hey, your city identity is wrapped up in much more successful teams, so maybe just bang your head against a wall repeatedly until you are Sidney Crosby.

Houston Astros – A team totally and completely screwed by having to move to the AL. I hope to one day — like one of their recent hires who live-tweeted an eviction like a douchebag — to live-tweet them getting relegated to AAA. I just subblogged. Go swim in the ocean during a hurricane.

San Diego Padres – I like how this team ended up with neither Adrian Gonzalez nor Anthony Rizzo. Yet much like the Marlins, I can’t imagine anyone gives a shit. Your perfect weather has made you sports-dead inside.

HONORABLE MENTIONS (COLLAPSES EDITION):

Texas Rangers -5 games up with 9 to go. And then you get swept by the A’s to finish the season, losing the division and being relegated to a one-game playoff against the Orioles, facing Joe Saunders, and you lose that game too. Time to die of a drug overdose. With 9 games to go, even the 2007 Mets were only 1.5 games up on the Phillies, the 2011 Red Sox were only 2 games up on the Rays, and that brings us to…

Atlanta Braves – With 9 games to go, the 2011 Braves were 3.5 games up on the Cardinals. If the current two wild-card format were in place last year, the Braves would have still had a one-game playoff against them. Unfortunately that was not the case, and then this year they finished 6 games in front for the first wild-card, but managed to be victimized by St. Louis again, with the help of umpires. Impale yourself on a tomahawk?

The Braves were facing off against the Phillies B-team while the Padres and Giants were fighting over the NL West. If you didn’t have a horse in the race, you were most likely rooting for the Braves and Padres, because then the magical three-way tie would be accomplished, leading to Game 163 for the NL West between the Padres and Giants and then to a Game 164 (well, 163 for the Braves) between the loser of that game and the Braves for the Wild Card. It would be insanity.

But I didn’t trust the Padres. They had been free-falling in the month of September, and even though they were throwing out Mat Latos, he had obviously run out of gas a few weeks earlier after putting together an incredible barely-classified-as-sophomore season. I was rooting for the Braves to lose. I didn’t want to take any chances; I needed to make sure the Braves had to at least play one extra game to reach the playoffs.

Shockingly, the Phillies weren’t able to win a game where they used Danys Baez. The Braves came tantalizingly close to blowing an 8-2 lead, but unfortunately Billy Wagner was able to come in and shut the door. The Padres would have to win if we were to get extra baseball.

It was not to be. The Padres couldn’t even manage one measly run, losing 3-0, completing a devastating collapse. And yes it was a collapse. Everyone’s idea of a collapse has just been totally skewed by the once-in-a-generation collapse of the 2007 Mets. The Padres blew a 6.5 game lead in a little over a month — that’s pretty damn hard to do.

So one of the best stories in baseball this year has disappeared for good, while the Braves are back in the playoffs. FUCK THIS. Someone wake me up when the Braves are about to be eliminated by the Giants. Or if the Reds actually have a chance of beating the Phillies.

But Trevor Hoffman had blown his last save opportunity – there was still a chance. Before an out was even recorded, the Rockies battled to tie the game. With no outs, MVP candidate Matt Holliday was standing 90 feet from clinching a playoff birth for the Rockies. A short fly ball was hit to right field. Brian Giles catapulted a throw home — honestly, it was a horrible throw — and the ball and Holliday arrived at the same time. Holliday slid head first into the left leg of Michael Barrett, slamming his face into the ground. The ball came loose. Holliday was safe. The MVP had won it!

Only the umpire Tim McClellan didn’t call him safe. Did Holliday miss the plate? Barrett picked up the ball to tag Holliday as he lay on the ground. But for some inexplicable reason, McClellan decided to call him safe as Barrett reached out to tag Holliday for the second out. Why the hesitation? When replays were shown, it looked like Holliday had never touched the plate. Barrett had blocked the plate perfectly. So why was he called SAFE?!?

As Deadspin editor Will Leitch so keenly observed:

At a certain level, we can’t help but think it was a back-up-I-don’t-want-any-trouble call from the home plate umpire, Tim McClellan. He knew the runner didn’t touch the plate — kind of amazing play by Michael Barrett — but by the time he realized his call was going to matter, he backed off it. We’d call it “gutless,” but it’s really hard to be a Major League Baseball umpire; it requires more guts than we, as a human being, have.

My personal feeling was that Holliday not getting up to touch home plate gave McClellan the impression that he actually touched home plate the first time around, but Leitch’s explanation works too. Or maybe McClellan was trying to make up for the fact that an earlier ball that was ruled a double was actually a Rockies HR. We’ll never know what was going through his mind, but we do know that Holliday still hasn’t scored the winning run.

Which is why baseball needs an instant replay system similar to the NFL. Give a manager a challenge a game. Nothing more than that is needed. All the focus and talk is going to be about this blown call tomorrow, and not on the fantastic game that lead up to it. Sure, it will take some of the entertaining arguments out of baseball, but tennis was known for its vitriolic player rants as well, and I haven’t missed them since instant replay was instituted. Instant replay in that sport has only served to show that not only is Roger Federer better at playing tennis than anyone, he would make a better linesmen than anyone. Balls and strikes should be left alone, so managers and players can still argue about them and get ejected in showboating fashion.

Trust me, you might find it weird and sacrilegious at first, but once you get used to it, you’ll wonder why it took MLB so long to incorporate instant replay.