I don’t even remember how much football I actually watched. I definitely had the Jets-Texans game on for a bit, but for the most part, I’ll admit that I missed Mark Sanchez lighting up the Houston defense. Then on Monday I had the Patriots-Bills game on, and with 5 minutes left and a two-possession lead, I thought that maybe the Bills actually would win the game. The next time I looked up from the book I was reading, the Patriots were winning by one fucking point with 30 seconds left. The Jets could have had the best Week 1 possible, what with a win and impressive Sanchez performance, and a Patriots loss on top of that — but no, the Bills had to choke that shit away by fumbling a kickoff return instead of downing it in the end zone. I guess they thought it was an early 90s Super Bowl or something.

The only other notable thing I actually saw live was the ending to that Broncos-Bengals game. That would only happen to the Bengals.

So yeah, this post fucking sucks. I’m shocked you actually read this far.

Perhaps I should address the title of this post. I will definitely watch Mark Sanchez Futureâ„¢ battle the Anti-Christ Tom Brady this Sunday, considering it’s always a huge game. Maybe I’ll actually have insight to share after keenly watching the game. And by keenly watching, I mean having the game on the background while I do some other bullshit. Or sleep.

No wonder I suck at fantasy football.

The new national pastime is sitting on your ass for an entire Sunday watching huge dudes who would otherwise have longer lifespans smash into each other trying to reach opposite end zones. And also making your Monday somewhat palatable by allowing you to watch the same thing once again after that awful beginning to the work week.

But to start off the season, there’s a Redskins-Giants game on a Thursday. Football on ladies night? Worlds are colliding. I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I’ll just want to sit there eating my popcorn, drinking my beer, but I’ll have chicks all up in my shit. Oh wait, that’s not right, they won’t be bothering me at all.

But while tonight’s game is the opener, Sunday’s Jets-Dolphins game is the season opener for myself. Favre vs. Pennington. I’m not really a betting man, but I’ll set some over/unders.

Favre INTs – 2
Pennington passes over 10 yards – 2.5
Amount of beers I drink – 3.5
Times Favre’s age is mentioned – 4.5
Pennington screen passes – 10
Times I pretend to have insight into football – 5.5

So Football is back. Baseball is reaching its final stretch. The U.S. Open is ongoing. While summer may be over, I have more than enough sports to keep me entertained.

If that isn’t the face of pure metrosexual evil, I don’t know what is.

I knew the Chargers were fucked when Brady executed another one of his perfect 2-minute drives at the end of the first half. I have no clue where the hell that came from. I guess he hadn’t activated his true powers yet. The Chargers utterly dominated pretty much the entire first half, yet they only had a 14-10 to show for it. The second half saw the Chargers continue to play conservatively, and they paid dearly for it. Belichick and Brady just found a way to win, as they always do in the playoffs. I knew it. ESPN analysts owned.

Unfortunately, with their win, the Patriots have set up a week of agonizingly non-stop, overly dramatic coverage of the Colts-Pats matchup on ESPN. It really is the Red Sox-Yanks of the NFL. Maybe this is the year where the Colts finally break through. Why? Because they have the only man that combat the evil power of Tom Brady: Adam Vinatieri.