- Apparently, two-and-a-half acres of land is the minimum required to be seen as a true homeowner in central PA. The way properties were split up with tree lines reminded me of some of the scenes in Band of Brothers. After a few too many beers, I started visualizing tanks rolling through the backyard.

- Since houses are spread out in what would qualify in my estimation as countryside (despite the locals vehemently classifying it as suburban), there are not many cab services around and none at all after 10 PM. So maybe friendly tanks and jeeps would have been appreciated. Also, there are students of the Wharton School who drive cabs — well, at least one.

- I had heard of Wawa and how it’s a souped-up 7-Eleven gas station, but I wasn’t prepared for touch screens to order sandwiches at three in the morning. I was impressed, considering I’m accustomed to just grabbing a buttered roll at that hour. I had also never seen so many coffee machines lined up next to each other.

- The reason I was in PA in the first place was for some memorial golf tournament held by some family that I’m connected to through about four people. But hey, I had two friends who invited me who said it was a good time last year, so how could I resist showing off my mediocre golf abilities in a best-ball (after researching, it turns out we played scramble) tourney? Oh, the thing I learned was that I can hit my driver relatively straight and far consistently now. So I have a step up on Tiger at the moment. BURN.

- That learning experience recap was just a segue to the picnic after the golf tourney at the host family’s two-and-a-half-acre abode. Remember when I said how everywhere outside of the northeast metropolitan corridor can be considered the South? Well, there was one cute girl at the party with a slight country accent — which I guess makes sense since she lives in Lancaster County adjacent to the Amish? — and after a few beers and filling my stomach with too much food, she was the only thing I was concerned with. But after consuming too many beers for her tiny frame during Flip Cup, the cute girl ended up disappearing and passing out upstairs in the house. As about ten people were seated around a couple of tables — younger family members, my friends and I, and some random girl — the cousin of the sleeping girl, in an attempt to keep us at the house overnight, said loud enough for everyone to hear, “Hey, you should sleep with [my cousin], she’s pretty!” I guess in Pennsylvania it’s cool to pimp out your catatonic cousin to a relative stranger when you want to fuck one of his friends, too. Maybe she meant literally sleep, but I feel like on some level that’s even creepier. Perhaps, at this point, I should be elated at the opportunity to just lie in the same bed as an attractive girl, but instead we all got the hell out of there because it was obviously getting strange. But not before one of the girl’s brothers got upset with a friend for hugging her a bit too hard, and said, “I don’t even get hugs like that,” to which my friend responded, “Yeah, because that’d be fucking weird.” With that, my friend summed up Pennsylvania west of Philly.

- Some driving listening thoughts after the proposed rape: I didn’t know I could like Ken Davidoff any more than I already did, but he was great on the Jonah Keri podcast episode he was the guest on. Anyone who answers a question with, “Because I’m not an idiot” is awesome in my book. Also, Louis C.K. stand-up passes the time extremely quickly. Especially this interview with Conan, which is for all intents and purposes stand-up (skip to 9:28 for best results, since I can’t embed and put the timestamp in).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aoqclnkM2gg

A Bad 9 Holes of Golf
I don’t even need to play a full round of terrible golf before I want to drive my golf cart into the Great South Bay. Multiple three-putts combined with sand traps equipped with golf ball tractor beams is a recipe for me snapping a club in half and cursing out any human being who dares open his mouth.

When An Answer To A Sporcle Quiz Is Kyrgyzstan
You really expect me to spell that correctly? I hate you and your stupid face, person who came up with that quiz.

Mets Fans Who Don’t Like David Wright
What the fuck is wrong with these people? Is this a Wire situation where its 5th season was maligned due to being obviously inferior to its predecessors, even though it was still better than 95% of television? David Wright from 2005-08 — while not quite as valuable as Albert Pujols or Chase Utley — was arguably the first player you would pick to build a team around; Bill James even said so himself on 60 Minutes before the 2008 season. And even though Wright’s taken a frustrating step back the past two seasons, he’s still been worth ~4 wins each year. He’s the only guy that’s been on a field consistently the past four disastrous seasons. But you want him off the team because he has been striking out more than you’d like. Ok, I’ll admit the throwing errors are frustrating. You still don’t deserve David Wright.

The Fact That American Idol Is Still The Highest Rated Show On TV
Do any of its viewers actually listen to the performers? This includes my parents, as they are the sole reason I am forced to acknowledge the show’s existence. Any time I overhear someone signing, it confirms my suspicions that the talent pool has been diluted to the level of a high school audition. I cannot wrap my head around the ratings this terrible competition receives.

Oh Wait, Jersey Shore Is Ten Times Worse
You are the reason The Situation makes more money than you. You enabled Snooki to “write” a book. If this is ever aired in the Middle East, al-Qaeda’s recruiters will have a watermark year.

Thinking One Of My Tweets Is Awesome Only To See It Not Get RT’d
Fuck all you people for not recognizing my momentary genius! Twitter is dumb anyway! *cries*

An Extended Death Streak in CoD/CS/DoD/Quake/Unreal/Halo/Any FPS
Is there anything that makes you want to throw your controller anymore than getting repeatedly murdered in the digital realm? If I’m going to die, I want to bring at least one virtual guy down with me. Re-spawning under airstrikes, getting killed by camping snipers, dying to a random grenade, or just being legitimately terrible are all grounds for rage-quitting while yelling “FUCK THIS”.

When A Favorite Streaming Porn Video Disappears
A part of my penis dies whenever this happens. And it’s not like I have an ample amount to spare.

Whenever I Think Of How Much (Spam) Traffic I Lost By Moving To Self-Hosting
“Hey, it’d probably be a cool idea to get some storage space on the internet for all those GIFs. You could self-host your blog, too. Maybe even try adding one of those Google ads just for curiosity’s sake. Nevermind that you got linked by Deadspin and Fark on the old URL. Ignore the fact that over a year later, you’ll still have a fraction of the traffic and comments you had before you changed that URL and moved away from WordPress.com. And you won’t ever bother with that whole ad idea because it was pointless in the first place.” I suck at the internet sometimes.

These Two Tweets
How is it possible for someone to believe this? Has anyone ever been more wrong in the history of mankind?

Myself
What a waste of a human being. I need to write a script about a guy who goes back in time to stop himself from being born, based on myself. The Abortinator. Can you imagine the paradoxes?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glii-kazad8

- Somehow I managed to NOT make a post about Anderson Silva’s miracle triangle armbar a week ago. The dude is fucking amazing. Just like seemingly everyone else, when Silva was taken down in the 5th round I thought the match was over, but he had enough strength left after getting punched more than in his entire UFC career to pull that shit off. Wow. GSP-Silva needs to happen ASAP.

- It’s amazing how It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is now AT BEST the third-best half-hour of television on FX. Archer and Louie have had amazing first seasons, while Sunny is in decline. Shit, The League had a fantastic first season, too.

- My ability to not buy shit has increased tenfold. The Bourne Trilogy on Blu-ray for 35 bucks? Months ago, I would’ve jumped on that like Tiger on a blonde cocktail waitress, but now I just want to sell more things. I apologize for the Rick Reilly/Jay Leno-esque joke.

- It always feels good watching guys who make a living playing golf miss 5-foot putts. Then I remember they make hundred of thousands, if not millions, of dollars playing golf.

- I need to play a roto fantasy league for money next year. And a keeper league. Maybe combine the two for ultimate fantasy baseball action.

- I don’t touch upon controversial subjects on here much, especially not legitimately important controversial subjects, but the Ground Zero Mosque bullshit is ridiculous. I won’t dedicate a full post to it because it’s too fucking simple. It’s a goddamn community center two blocks away, not even within view of Ground Zero; it’s not the 100-foot-tall minaret-topped building most people envision when they think of mosques. I understand the outrage of some relatives of victims, but some people in that group didn’t want any reconstruction at the WTC site at all. Sorry, but fuck them. I totally empathize with their grief, but life needs to go on. Republicans meanwhile, politicize a building that SHOULDN’T BE A FUCKING ISSUE, but vote against a bill that would actually help people directly affected by 9/11.

- Girls grow up way too soon. I’m going to stop checking out hot girls in the mall, because I’m sure they are all 16 years old.

- I’m not surprised at Scott Pilgrim vs. The World totally bombing, losing to Inception‘s 5th weekend. If it weren’t for Edgar Wright’s involvement, I would think the movie looks incredibly awful. Since I doubt most people care about that fact — if they were even aware in the first place — $10 million sounds about right. But I’ll still go see it; I don’t want to risk Speed Racer-like regret.

- David Wright is now officially having the worst offensive season of his career. It’s cool how Wright and Jose Reyes have declined right when most players hit their prime. Really. Fucking. Cool.

I think I’ve used golf to distract myself from everything recently. Although maybe I’m just straight up addicted to it. Having a friend or two who’s there to support and also take part in the addictive behavior only serves to magnify it. Want to play every Monday and Wednesday? Want to go to the practice green? Want to talk putting when you stop over to hang out in my backyard at 4 am on a Friday night? Yeah, sure.

Starcraft II would be the other distraction addiction. I’m going to end up pre-ordering the special edition any day now, I’m sure. Sigh. I really thought that after my initial dip into the beta only lasted a few embarrassing weeks that I was done being obsessed with such an unforgiving multiplayer game. But then a few friends got beta keys a couple of months later and I got sucked back in and now I haven’t known how to spend my gaming time since the beta went down. As a result, I am watching Starcraft II VIDEOS. I am officially a junkie. What gaming drug could ween me off this? Civilization IV? No, that’d be even worse. Besides, its successor is coming out in a few months as well. I think it and SC2 are the only two videogames I care about at this point in time.

I could use this as an easy segue into E3 discussion and how I hate motion controls, but I can leave that for another post (possibly a non-existent post). I probably should be distracting myself with The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay more, as it’s the most fun I’ve had reading a novel in a long, long time. Perhaps I will wrap up this “welcome back” post to myself on this note and go read it.

Or start on a post about the “Year of the Pitcher“. Or not.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that the former was the more rewarding of the two. Even if my score on the front nine today is worthy of an Obama-esque Special Olympics joke, I managed to recover with a somewhat less embarrassing back nine, due to some tips from a 50-something, pot-smoking, teenage prostitute-fucking guy (no, not Lawrence Taylor). He presented his listening to System of a Down, Bush, and Green Day as evidence of his coolness. That was adorably sad.

Meanwhile, my Starcraft II playing experience tonight was all downhill after a first match in which one of my two opponents quickly disconnected, and by the end I had remembered why I hadn’t played the beta in over a month. My partner and I lost to a pair of apparent 5-year-olds who took 15 minutes to figure out how to build a unit other than a Zergling. I also tried to mass Stalkers in another game and was subsequently shit on like the Liberal Democrats in the UK election tonight.

By why connect these two games in one blog post, other than the fact they shared the privilege of wasting my time today? Because they are both perfect examples of love-hate relationships. Although, the balance with regards to golf tips much more towards love than with SC2. I’m sure if Kim Jong Il ever tried playing the game against a South Korean, he’d end up getting so pissed that he’d nuke his southern neighbor into oblivion. I know if *I* had a nuke, I would probably launch it to let off some steam after losing to a Zergling rush.

But I get pissed while playing golf too. After my first four holes this afternoon, I wanted to be smash my entire bag of clubs while being instantaneously teleported off the goddamn golf course. I didn’t care that I had paid for 18 holes, if I could have been off the course and in my room with a snap of my fingers, I would have done it. I probably lost more balls in massive fields of beach grass in the first three holes than I had the half dozen or so times I’d already played golf this year. It was fucking bullshit.

The problem was overthinking just about every part of my game. Trying to do what I was practicing at the driving range a couple of days ago with my massive driver. Making sure not to be aiming right because some video I watched said that most people end up aiming right when they think they are aiming straight. Focusing on not suing my arms and wrists to putt, but my shoulders and body.

I guess that’s the opposite problem of the one I have with Starcraft II. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, and I end not expanding quick enough and not scouting and not suing all my resources and not upgrading my units and Jesus Christ I need to be clicking and hitting keys 100 times a minute. Oh wait, that’s still too slow.

While I’ve watched a bunch of videos recently with regards to golf and they’ve screwed me up by getting in my head so much, ending up with me shooting a dozen strokes higher than the first time I played 18 holes this year, I refuse to watch Starcraft videos or replays because, really, there’s a limit to how much I’m willing to waste my time. Sure, I’ll watch a four-minute video remix of Arnold saying “Put the cookie down” in Jingle All The Way, but at least that is ridiculously entertaining in and of itself. Watching some other dude’s build order in Starcraft II isn’t particularly exciting or amusing. And it’s only enlightening with regards to a computer game that I will not be playing in 5 years, unlike the other game in this post, which I will playing (hopefully) for another 50. And yes, golf is a game. It’s not a fucking sport, no matter what Wikipedia might say.

But the high points in both games make them worthwhile. Sure, I may have to point for seemingly the 100th time to a 3v3 game in the original Starcraft where I committed genocide with Siege Tanks, but it really was immensely satisfying. Now, with golf? The high points with that are still spaced out a bit too much, and usually tempered by a missed putt, but they are still there. I had a four-foot putt for birdie today after a perfect pitch. I felt so awesome. Until I missed that putt. Just hitting great drives on back-to-back holes is a victory that I’ll take nowadays.

Ultimately, it’s all about progress. With my round of golf today, I may have had a bad 18 holes overall, but I picked up some things — like shorter backswings on pitches and chips and putts — that will only help me in the long run. With my four matches of Starcraft II, I learned nothing. And I didn’t get five hours of sun either. Man, fuck you, Blizzard. Your game just pisses me off, yet I’m going to end up buying it and playing it anyway.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NTRvlrP2NU

In related news, I really want Tom Watson to win the Masters at 60 years old, just so no one can pretend golf is a sport anymore.

The other commercial is not bizarre — just homoerotic. I feel like anything involving a male cast member of Jersey Shore is bound to have gay undertones, and I guess non-Mets fans will argue that David Wright has the same effect. Fuck you.

I present to you a Vitamin Water commercial starring David Wright and The Situation:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3W-nCmN_Ovk

And it was a productive weekend, at least in terms of the amount of entertainment digested in various form:

I got in sporting entertainment by hitting golf balls at the driving range. I am so ready to average a double-bogey over a 9-hole course. Fear my iron play.

I took part in alcohol-fueled entertainment while the Mets came back from a 5-1 deficit against the Giants’ crown jewel Tim Lincecum. Probably the high point of my weekend.

I fit in a trip to the movie theater to see Star Trek. It was merely OK and not worthy of the ridiculous praise it’s getting. Galaxy Quest is still the best Star Trek-related movie of the past 10 years.

I laid back and watched the last three episodes of House. I enjoyed the twist well enough, and I definitely like the implications more than the alternative. The show is past its prime, but it’s still too fun to watch House and Wilson.

I also rewatched Series 1 of The Office — the British version — with the intent of continuing with Series 2 and Christmas specials this time. I definitely appreciate it more this time around, compared to when I was a dumb teenager, but damn if it’s not terribly depressing if only due to being so much more truer to life than the American version. That sentence was terribly depressing for English professors.

Speaking of which, I read an entire book over the course of the three days, “Faith and Fear in Flushing” — a book I didn’t even have to pay for! The internet can be a great place. I recommend it for any Mets fan, but I’m not sure if I would recommend actually paying for it. Rediscover your local library.

Meanwhile, I’ll be rediscovering Team Fortress 2 for about the sixth time.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZTj6tauY1JU

Another Masters, another 2nd place finish for Tiger Woods. That’s a shame. At least now we won’t have to hear weeks of Grand Slam talk leading up to the U.S. Open. I still think he’ll win at least 2 majors this year. He’s been too dominant so far this year, and just happened to have a pretty horrible tournament. It’s nice to finish in second even when you’re playing terribly by your own standards.

As for that other guy who dominates his sport brutally, Roger Federer hasn’t looked like himself. He didn’t win the first major of the year in his sport either. Novak Djokovic has developed into a major threat to stop Federer ever breaking Sampras’s Grand Slam record (yes!). Not to mention he lost to Andy Roddick for the first time in 12 matches. It’s evidently gotten to him, as he has hired a new coach. I can understand, as that’d be like if I ever lost to someone in Virtua Tennis. Would’ve been devastating.

Maybe I was a bit preemptive in continually saying that Federer was more dominant than Tiger. Yet, at the same time, the period of dominance a player can have in tennis is much shorter than the one a golfer can achieve. Federer is already past his prime, and Tiger is still in the middle of it. The latter just has to play against every single other player each weekend, and this weekend some random English guy was better.