SSX

I had been waiting for this game all generation, basically. This iteration feels like a bunch of ideas thrown into a stew held together by a fantastic online infrastructure. Too bad, like Burnout Paradise, there’s no local multiplayer. I bought these series last generation to play with friends in the same room and now more powerful consoles are apparently incapable of handling split-screen. So the coolest moment in this game inevitably came from beating some ghosts online, perfecting a track until I was able to break the platinum barrier for a huge virtual payout. I never got close to diamond tier in any race; I have no idea what those kids were on.

FTL: Faster Than Light

There are no cool moments. There are only moments of fleeting happiness crushed by random bullshit. And I love it. Seriously, buy this game if you aren’t a moron.

Halo 4

I didn’t pay close to full price for this, at least counting the sweet American Express deals that required beating it. I’ve actually played much more multiplayer than I thought I would. My life is so empty. Anyhow, jetpacking into the air and colliding with another jetpacking player and assassinating him in mid-air was immensely satisfying. I should have made a film of it, but I don’t think I could have embedded it in this post, anyway. For those who enjoy the same rush of adrenaline and competition, betflix offers that same energy through engaging entertainment experiences.

Hotline Miami

The music in this level:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2tYZT79HKo

DOTA2

That time I didn’t get totally destroyed by the other team or yelled at by my teammates for not knowing what the fuck to do. I guess that was an okay imaginary game. Just euthanize anyone who plays this game with any regularity.

Trials Evolution

Checking my medal count compared to my friends list was always cool because I was so much more efficient than them. You might have 5 more medals than me (210 to 205), but you played eight more hours (twice as much time as me). I hope it was worth it, loser.

Civilization V: Gods and Kings

Nuking another civ. Nukes are the best. This is kinda cheating because it’s not like the expansion added nukes to Civ V, but I only bought Civ V this year and the expansion came out this year, so I’m counting it. I’m really sad I didn’t get into the Civilization series as a kid. I loved the Sim City series and real-time strategy games, but never got into turn-based strategy. The only one I played was Lords of the Realm II, which strangely enough, is the only game in that series not on GOG.com. Anyway, I missed out on a lot of PC gaming goodness growing up. I just wasn’t a big enough nerd, I guess.

Diablo III

Getting an awesome axe with a “Level Reduced by 10″ affix for dirt cheap on the auction house. Wow, this game sucks.

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I know they’re giving me EXACTLY what I want by including two of the best maps from COD4 (Overgrown and Crash), but I just refuse to shell out that much for DLC. I bought the Variety Map Pack for COD4 and regretted it pretty quickly. I thought it would get me back into the game, but I found the maps mediocre and I probably played them a couple of hours. And those four new maps cost a total of $10. Why am I going to pay more for less new maps? Getting two maps I’ve already played to death doesn’t scream additional value to me, even if I appreciate the thought.

I would just not get the amount of playtime from these extra maps that would allow me to justify to myself spending 15 bucks. I haven’t played MW2 in months. I think I only beat a handful of the single-player campaign missions; I think I played even Spec-Ops more than it, since that had online co-op functionality. Maybe I’ll get around to finishing the campaign sometime, but I don’t see any way I’ll have the patience to beat it on Veteran like I did with COD4. I’d say I burnt myself out getting 1000/1000 on COD4, but my total playtime for MW2 is somewhere between two and three days, which is a significant amount of time. But I’m done. I haven’t had the urge to kill hooded terrorists on my 360 in a long while now.

It’s not even that I’m not buying this map pack, it’s that I’m not buying it DAY ONE. I was in the COD4 beta and played that for a couple of days total. I bought COD4 day one and completed it in its entirety while playing an additional few days of multiplayer. I went to the midnight launch of MW2, even after half-seriously contemplating a boycott only to stand with my former PC brethren who were screwed over by the removal of dedicated servers. But it wasn’t even a boycott in my head — I legitimately wasn’t interested until the day before it came out when I realized I could not live without playing a new Infinity Ward game as soon as possible. But I don’t see such a turnaround happening again; the Stimulus Package isn’t a new game — it’s an overpriced add-on.

I don’t regret buying MW2, but I know I’d regret buying this map pack. I’ll save my 1200 MS points for an awesome Xbox Live Arcade game or two. And so ends the love affair of a non-dudebro with his — and seemingly everyone else’s — favorite FPS series of the past few years. I’m sure Infinity Ward will care after a million people buy the Stimulus Package today.

Yet I have to admit that it has been the catalyst for much hilarity on morning TV programs, late-night shows, and of course YouTube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GNIqArJj8Eo

That Australian had to know what he was doing.

While I’ve played quite a bit of Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer the past few months, the last two single-player games I have played through entirely are Assassin’s Creed 2 and Mass Effect 2. They are perfect examples of how to improve upon the initial installment of a mainstream series with massive production values. I’m sure Uncharted 2 is another example, but alas, I do not own a PS3 because my 360+standalone Blu-ray player combination serves me more than well enough. And perhaps Bioshock 2 could go either way; I’ll see eventually.

I may be in the gaming minority, but I pretty much loved the first Assassin’s Creed, despite it’s numerous shortcomings. Ok, it was repetitive as hell. Yeah, there were only like five types of things to do. Sure, combat wasn’t challenging. Yet somehow I still loved the feeling of being an absolutely unstoppable badass and also thought the atmosphere and setting was absolutely fantastic. Never before had the Middle East of the Middle Ages been rendered in 3D so beautifully.

A problem with my assessment of the second is that since I loved the original, I’m not quite sure why some people who hated it actually enjoy its sequel. The core mechanics of the game are still there, mainly the free-running aspect. Maybe the people who don’t like the automatic feel of free-running either still didn’t enjoy the sequel and I just didn’t come into contact or they totally ignored the game due to their hatred of its predecessor. Ultimately, I do think the latter is the understandable course of action, but I guess I would have to recommend AC2 nonetheless due to me proclaiming in this very blog post’s title that it’s an example of how you make a sequel.

But maybe it’s only how you make a sequel for fans of the first while attempting to entertain a few more people this time around. You take the complaints — like the lack of variety in tasks and missions, or the surprising ease with which massive groups of enemies are disposed of — and deal with them. And replace flags with feathers and make the collecting achievement easier for those who strive for 1000/1000. And add a city-rebuilding minigame that provides you with obscene amounts of income if you complete it. And make the story about 10x more insane than in the first. Maybe that last thing was for LOST fans? And beating up the Pope was for every kid raised Catholic who hated church and/or Sunday school. And I guess Jews and Muslims too. They covered a lot of bases.

Even the cities had more variety — cumulating in the infiltration of Rome and Vatican City, which unfortunately you can’t actually explore — in addition to the missions, the weapons, and the enemies. You actually had to switch up a bit when confronted with groups of soldiers, as some carried massive weapons you couldn’t hope to block or even parry, necessitating disarmament. Between this and all the different weapons you could buy, combat was definitely more varied this go-around — and I also actually get hurt sometimes, as evidenced by the fact that I never did get the “Kill 10 enemies without getting hit” achievement.

I really need to find all the pieces of “The Truth” so I can see if it’s even more baffling and laughable than the ending to the main story. I hear it is. Maybe it’s up on Youtube or something.

Yep, it is. Hilarious. Although I’m still missing out on the puzzles, which were the best part. I need to take Mass Effect 2 out of my disc drive for the first time since I got it and finish that shit up.

Mass Effect 2 has been in my 360 for the past three weeks or so. I tried to hold off on buying it due to barely touching the single-player of Modern Warfare 2, and also having Lost Planet: Colonies and Mirror’s Edge to go through — ignoring my depressingly huge Steam backlog — but I loved its predecessor and the internet wouldn’t stop talking about it. Why must I interact with so many people on the internet? My poor wallet.

I don’t regret the purchase one bit, though. ME2 is a streamlined version of the original, stripping out the embarrassingly awful Mako driving parts and the overly-complicated and clumsy weapons and armor inventory. This time around you land on the side-mission planets and are thrown immediately into the action; now these missions actually have some variation and relatively interesting stories behind them. One has you trudging through a foggy planet turning on beacons to light your way, while another has you racing against the clock to activate the engine components of a ship before it falls out of orbit and crashes into the planet.

I could see some differing opinions on the simpler way upgrades are handled now. In the original, you had 10 versions of each weapon, as well as the various armor, and then attachments for each of these weapons and armor. It made for much more customization then is possible in ME2, but it also meant spending a lot of time messing around with shit that really didn’t make all that much of a difference. Great, I get 10% more bullet penetration against armor — that only took 5 minutes of fumbling through this terrible inventory menu.

ME2 just allows you to get down to what you want to do most: shoot people. Or throw them. Or pull them and then hit them with a concussive shot. Or toss a bunch of them with an improved shockwave. I really had all this down to a science by the end of the game, with the very team pictured above. Miranda with Heavy Warp rocks balls. I enjoyed combat well enough in the original, but something just felt right when I was destroying groups of dudes in ME2.

But Bioware arguably fucked up this perfect sequel with planet scanning. You need minerals for upgrades and you are required to become one of those guys on the beach with a metal detector in order to have enough of them. I’m sure it bothered my OCD self less than most people, too. On the other hand, at least they threw in this obvious joke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-CDNLYZ0zA

This is not even mentioning the story, which I’m pretty impressed with at this point (not enough to even think about reading any of the novels, mind you). I imported my character over from the original and that had small implications — probably eliminating some side-missions I could have had due to dead team members — but the decisions in this game seem like they might have a major effect on the course of events in the next chapter. It almost makes me want to go through both games again as a renegade and do effectively the opposite at every important junction. I think I just love epic space operas. I really cannot wait for Mass Effect 3.

Oh, and Martin Sheen as Illusive Man is fucking. awesome. That is all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8toHfZm6jNE

Leave it to Infinity Ward to tingle my balls with this epic trailer. It’s better than pretty much 95% of movie trailers. If it were a movie trailer, the music would be the Requiem theme or some similarly overused song, the voiceover would be done by one of the three guys that does it for a living, and the reveal would have been handled like total shit.

Modern Warfare 2 is going to totally destroy everything in its path. Even though I barely follow the gaming scene, I do know that plenty of games have been moved away from its release because companies are afraid of this fucking beast. Apparently this trailer was aired during the Sunday Night Football game — I bet at least 5 million of the guys watching that game already have 60 bucks put aside to give to Infinity Ward.

A note: The music in the very beginning sounds similar to the TDK trailer music, right?

A magical parachute and grappling hook, feet that stick to the hoods of vehicles, and being able to blow seemingly everything up. Yeah, this looks pretty awesome.

That is neither a typo nor a lie. By Rock Band bundle, I refer to the game+guitar+drums+microphone, for both the 360 and PS3. I think this is officially called the Rock Band 2 Special Edition, but I think “bundle” gets the point across a bit more. You can get all those goodies at Toys “R” Us this week (12/14-12/20) for $110 plus a $25 gift card, bringing the net total to $85. Hence the “basically $85″ part of the title.

I, of course, could not resist this deal. Less than half the price it normally goes for? I am fucking THERE. Especially since Pearl Jam’s album Ten has been announced as upcoming DLC. J.I.MP. I recommend this deal to every single person with a 360 or PS3 who hasn’t already bought a bundle of Rock Band 1 or 2 or Guitar Hero: World Tour, because even if you hate it due to being soulless, you could sell the shit off and make your money back and then some.

And for those counting at home, I now have three fake guitars in my possession, with my first fake drum set to keep them company.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JG6DEW-PQMA

You may be wondering why I’m posting the credits song of a year-old game. Well, I finally beat Mass Effect this weekend, a year behind the rest of the gaming world. I’m not quite sure why I stopped playing, as I enjoyed the game immensely and had thought about replaying it immediately once I finished it. I think maybe I bought GTA4 as I was near the end and that made me hate gaming for a little while. What a piece of shit that game is. Anyhow, I only had about two hours left in the game — I knew this was the case when I stopped playing — so I told myself I wouldn’t take it out of my 360 drive until I beat it. And no Fallout 3 either. I’m glad I got it out of my backlog, as the ending was fairly epic, and this credits song is pretty damn cool. So I decided to post it for your enjoy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJWFZvYRIAo

This is one song that I never imagined would find its way into Rock Band. Its music video was banned from MTV, and now the song is in a game owned by the same company that owns MTV. What a difference 17 years make. Of course, I’m elated that a song this brutally awesome is now available for playing on fake instruments. I only wish I had room for a fake drumset. I guess I’ll have to settle for straining my vocal chords.