Perhaps I could’ve come up with a more clever title…

The first game of the 2009 MLB regular season was played by the Braves and Phillies, the two teams I want to lose most. And it was announced by the three men I least want to hear. Yet I loved it, because it was FUCKING BASEBALL, HOLY SHIT. The rest of the year is total garbage compared to the seven months in which major league baseball is played. So it’s probably a good thing that it constitutes more than half of a year, or else life would pretty much suck.

I felt dirty enjoying Braves home runs tonight. Last year apparently sealed the deal for me wanting to see numerous Phillies die in a fire even more than Chipper Jones. But seriously, how far did that McCann home run go? That shit was destroyed. Oh, and seeing Derek Lowe dominate for 8 innings was wonderful; I can’t wait to watch Oliver Perez do the complete opposite later this week. Sigh. My last comment on tonight’s broadcast would be that ESPN displayed OPS for hitters the first time around, and then it disappeared. I really thought some progress had been made. I should have known it was too good to be true.

Tonight was definitely not the true beginning of baseball season, though. Tomorrow is Opening Fucking Day, in which just about every team is going to be out there for the first time. The entire day will be filled with games that mean just as much as the last game of the season (I want this to get through to sportswriters’ heads). Johan Santana, C.C. Sabathia, Tim Lincecum and Roy Halladay are taking the mound. Best day of the year? I think so.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G0LjnqtSPps

After Josh Hamilton crushed 28 home runs in the first round of the contest, and thanked Jesus afterward, Reilly actually said “It’s a lousy night to be an atheist.” He had earlier commented on the whiteness of the participants. I’m pretty sure ESPN lowered his mic at this point. If ESPN didn’t need to honor the massive contract they just gave him, Chris Berman might have been given the word to eat him right on the spot.

It’s pretty ludicrous for Reilly to make such a comment — as if Hamilton being religious would sour atheists’ enjoyment of the show he put on. Unless it’s a bitter, pathetic atheist, I don’t think Hamilton thanking God after his spectacular display made unbelievers want to cry or get pissed at what Hamilton chooses to believe. Plenty of athletes thank God or Jesus on national television. Although, what made Hamilton stand out was the fact that he thanked Jesus even after he lost to Justin Morneau (who no one will remember winning).

I find it hard to believe that God or Jesus would care about a Home Run Derby, but maybe they wanted to give him a glorious moment, and at the same time keep him humble enough to not start doing heroin again. (Didn’t you hear? He used to take drugs, apparently.) Or maybe he is just a beast that ran out of gas because the Home Run Derby is a painfully long process that no one cares about once a dude has one ridiculous round of 500 foot bombs. Whichever one you care to believe in, I’m sure we can agree that Joe Morgan is a moron.

He picked Chase Utley to win “because he’s a good line-drive hitter.” What. WHAT.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XMv34zdMWrY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tnC8BtNBNLo

Thank you, Deadspin.