I swear to God, I should trademark that title. What male between 18-35 wouldn’t want to watch that? There’s already Man vs. Wild and Man v. Food, why not pit Man against his most hilarity-inducing foe? Now, I’ve seen Man vs. Wild, and while it was fun to watch, we all know it’s bullshit. Man v. Food I haven’t seen with my own eyes, but I imagine it’s just some guy (or collection of people) who goes around the world eating different foods, right? (Wikipedia confirms this assumption.) Ok, I’ll admit that’s not a bad idea, so why not extend it to alcohol? Why not have some guy go around the world and drink all types of beer and vodka and whiskey and sake and whatever else is created around the world to get people drunk? I nominate myself, of course.

Let’s think about this seriously. You could fill this show with trips to Ireland, to Japan, to Germany — just for starters. You could even send the person to different college campuses in the U.S., and display the different drinking games that go on at each one. Just in my personal experience, I’ve seen a massive variety of things go on at different universities when alcohol is involved. You could teach people how to blow a fireball. You could show how beer pong is played at various colleges. You could contrast the most rundown frat houses to the most preppy. You could try to find the hottest drunken mud wrestling fights. You could compare pub trivia at bars across the country, or even other countries, if they have it. There’s a lot of potential here. I guess the E! channel already has a bunch of shit that approximates such a show, but fuck that, this shit would be on the Spike channel and would subsequently be displayed on bar televisions across the country at 1 AM. Or maybe I’m just incorrectly basing that on one bar.

I don’t think there’s much more elaboration I could provide when it comes to such a television program. Shit would just happen. People would get into fights, vomit across tabletops, and go into comas from too much 151. I wonder what type of insurance such a show would necessitate. Maybe I’d just sign some contract saying that I understand the risk that I’m taking when I pound fifteen cups of sake and then attempt to karaoke. It’s what Japanese businessmen do every night, why couldn’t I handle it? Someone get me the number to Spike, please.

Unfortunately, they’d just steal my idea and replace me with a hot chick and call it Wild On 2. I guess the television viewers would be happy, though.

- Visibly underaged girls are apparently allowed to drink in bars on this Irish holiday.

- The Boondock Saints is the Irish movie of my generation, as it was playing in the Half Penny (my local Irish pub) the whole night.

- The owners of the Half Penny obviously overheard my criticism of their new couches a week or so ago. They were replaced with tables and stools. An immeasurable improvement. I still don’t know what the hell they were thinking. Couches? In a bar? That’s like crosses in a mosque.

- Whenever I question why I drink, I answer by drinking more.

- “Oh, you don’t want to know what we were talking about” is a creepy thing to say to a chick that has just randomly walked up to your table. We were talking about the policy of isolation. I bet she truly didn’t want to hear about it. I’m just honest!

- Michael Jackson, Rihanna, and Alien Ant Farm — among others — are Irish musicians.