I recently learned of the existence of a human being who hadn’t seen Die Hard until recently when forced to watch it by someone who loves the movie almost as much as I do.

In this person’s defense, this obviously uncultured human being happens to be a female. Granted, she’s a female who’s in her mid-20s — which makes the situation less understandable than if she were still a teenager — but a female nonetheless. Women simply don’t sit around and watch Die Hard just because they came across it on Fox Movie Channel, or have discussions about Die Hard that end up with someone — I’m not naming names — smashing a beer can on the ground in anger, or make appreciation threads about the original trilogy.

But even cured of this deficiency, she still hasn’t seen Robocop, Lethal Weapon, or Raiders of the Lost Ark. Her not seeing Raiders of the Lost Ark is particularly shocking since it’s such a classic, mainstream film. She might as well have told me she hasn’t seen Star Wars. It’s not even about the quality of Raiders of the Lost Ark (or any similar movie), but about its pervasiveness in popular culture. In some way this person AVOIDED seeing this movie.

I’m not immune to this phenomenon. The very person who hadn’t seen Die Hard was shocked, appalled, and disappointed to learn that the only David Lynch I had seen was the first hour or so of Dune (which was absolutely atrocious). But I’d argue that Lynch is not a mainstream figure, especially with my age group. Mullohand Drive is not airing on TNT or FX or some other cable channel every other week. Not that I’d want to watch it on these cable channels anyway (I’ve made a point of not watching any R-rated movies for the first time on cable for a long, long time now).

So no, I don’t think that’s the biggest hole in my film-watching history. In terms of popularity, it HAS to be It’s A Wonderful Life. I have never seen it, and that’s because I have never ever made it a priority — I might even avoid it. Perhaps my assumptions are wrong, but I don’t feel like watching some sappy crap on Christmas. I rather watch Die Hard.

Then there’s Lawrence of Arabia, a movie renowned for its cinematography — which is my reason for waiting until it hits Blu-ray. There I said it. I want it to be as beautiful as possible the first time. I’m saving myself.

But I don’t mean for this post to be about me or some poor Bruce Willis-deprived girl. I want this to be about the movies families sit around and watch, movies that teachers show their students, movies that both hipsters and dudebros have seen.

Unfortunately, a problem arises when I attempt to answer this question. I’m pretty sure that in my mind “universal” translates to “universal for 20-something-year-old male white Westerners”. So how do I approach the task of coming up with a list of these movies? First off, I’m going to make the uncontroversial statement that there are different lists for different groups. The list of definitive movies for my parents’ generation is going to be much different. But then again, aren’t I supposed to be talking about the movies that transcend all these generational and cultural boundaries? But I only truly know my own experiences, along with those of the people I interact with. So it goes in a massive loop, like this paragraph.

So you know what? I’m not going to bother trying to come up with some list of universal movies, because that’s just going to end up turning into a typical list of classic movies. Sure the most embarrassing holes in my movie knowledge are classics, but that’s me, a stupid wannabe blogger trying to know everything about everything (except anime). So I’m going to attempt to come up with some definitive list for the generation that grew up parallel to the internet; the generation born in the 80s; the generation that grew up with Transformers and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

There’s a reason why Forrest Gump and Shawshank Redemption are staples of cable television. I’m not even sure I need to explain why stories featuring likable characters overcoming seemingly insurmountable odds are loved so much. The third film in the 1994 Oscar argument trifecta — Pulp Fiction – I don’t believe stands up to the other two in universal appeal nor cultural saturation. I have no doubt there are Christian sects out there who forbid their members to watch anything by Quentin Tarantino.

Then there’s two series that I can’t imagine anyone has avoided completely. The first would be the James Bond collection of movies and then the animated movies that fall under the “Pixar” label. I’m definitely stretching it a bit with the latter, but I think it’s pretty easy to lump them all together.

If someone didn’t see an older Connery or Dalton or Moore Bond film with their dad growing up, they probably saw Goldeneye, and if not then, they almost certainly saw Casino Royale. Even the ladies got in on that action, right? Daniel Craig had to pull in that demographic.

And Pixar? There’s Toy Story, Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Toy Story 2, and even Cars for redneck children! Ok, that’s unfair — rednecks born in the 80s were 15 when it came out. Among the people that didn’t see Toy Story when it came out, I bet a lot of them now have kids and leave Pixar movies in the DVD player for easy on-child’s-demand viewing.

Getting back to singular movies, Jurassic Park. That’s it. That’s the movie I’ve been trying to think of. It has goddamn DINOSAURS. And it’s the perfect year for 80s children. The age range goes from 13 to 3, with myself falling pretty much right in the middle. The first movie theater experience I can remember. It was fucking awesome and I’m sure any kid from 13 to 3, from whatever cultural background, would have eaten it up as well. Even for adults there’s a sense of wonder in the movie that, despite some definite issues with the movie, must have made that inital viewing extremely enjoyable. And what other movie has engrained in the collective consciousness what something should look like? Perhaps not intellectually, but at the most basic level, I truly believe Steven Spielberg’s idea of what dinosaurs look like is what they REALLY looked like. Anything else looks strange and wrong.

I can’t even think of something to compete with that. Sure, there are movies like The Matrix and Gladiator, but they still skew toward adolescent males. Hmm, Groundhog Day is a legitimate competitor. Something about it just lends itself to being watched over and over…

I think I’m about done with this disgustingly long, aimless blog post. I can’t even bring myself to wrap it up with some sort of meaningful or amusing conclusion. Just add your suggestions in the comments, alright?

I hope everyone has at least a mediocre Christmas. It’s all about low expectations.

I will be asking my 11-year-old(?) cousin if he has seen Die Hard yet. If he hasn’t, it will be immediately remedied.

The best gift I’ve received thus far was the one I bought for myself: Rome on Blu-ray. The packaging is fucking awesome, and I can only imagine its contents are even better. If you want something done right, do it yourself.

No, it did not take me an hour and a half to make that. It took me an hour and a half to make that and nine other Obamicons. I’m pretty sure that this site is older than Clint Eastwood, but I just discovered it tonight.

Obamicon.me

It’s something you could cook up in Photoshop fairly easily, but automated things are always better — and more addictive. My other creations can be seen at my profile. Movie references, mostly.

My favorite from the internet wild would be this:

If you don’t get the reference, go watch Die Hard again. If you haven’t seen Die Hard, you better have a good excuse. Like being 3 years old.

Die Hard and Raiders of the Lost Ark

- Held up as classics within their genre, and are always brought up when it comes to discussing the most entertaining movies of all-time.

- Anything else I could say here is encompassed by the fact that they are both incredible movies.

(If it weren’t for Star Wars, I could say that they both made their stars action heroes.)

Die Harder and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

- The black sheep within their respective series.

- Arguably “darker” than the other installments. One has a plane full of people crashing, the other has hearts being ripped out.

- The weakest sidekicks. One has an annoying Asian kid and a screaming woman, while the other has a janitor and a weird-sounding black dude.

Die Hard with a Vengeance and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

- Usually regarded as the second-best in their series, with some people preferring these over the originals (these people are insane, though).

- Star power in the sidekick role. Samuel L. Jackson and Sean Connery bring the awesome.

- A return to the villains of the original. The former has the brother of the villain of the original, the latter brings the Nazis back.

Live Free or Die Hard and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (this is before me seeing the latter)

- Released over a decade after the 3rd installment.

- Probably the most ridiculous premise of each series.

- Young white guy sidekick. One annoying, and one not-as-annoying. (NONONONONO)

- More noticable CG effects than the other three combined (from what I saw in the trailer).

Ok, I’m obviously pushing it here with the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I haven’t seen it, so I shouldn’t be comparing. But I can also make some distinctions with the fourth movies in these series.

Live Free or Die Hard basically only had Bruce Willis back, and it had a lower MPAA rating than the rest of the series. Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has Spielberg directing — just like the other three — which is obviously very important. Only Die Hard 1 and 3 had John McTiernan behind the camera, and it showed. The excuse for Temple of Doom comparatively sucking is Spielberg giving Lucas too much say.

In summary, I feel like this installment of Indiana Jones isn’t going to be the debacle that Live Free or Die Hard was, but I can’t see it stacking up to the two best Indiana Jones films. If anything, it has a shot at eclipsing Temple, much like some people feel Live Free or Die Hard surpassed Die Harder. I’m not even sure I can give it that, as Live Free can barely be called a Die Hard film.

And if you cite the high critic ratings — Live Free and Die Hard was well-reviewed too. Watch the fans of the series rank this installment where it really belongs. I really do hope it’s high, I just doubt it.