I still think the Dodgers will beat your team, but if they don’t, I want you to blow the final game of the season. Game 7 of the World Series at either the bandbox that is Fenway Park, or the shithole that is Tropicana Field. I will make sure to have my voodoo doll sitting on top of TV. Maybe I’ll have it pinned to a dartboard. And as I hit the bullseye, you will give up a home run to Pujols. But how will Pujols hit a home run if he’s not in the playoffs, you ask. There will be a rip in the space-time continuum and Pujols will replace whomever is up, doesn’t matter if it’s Dustin Pedroia or Evan Longoria. Nobody will notice. But I will. I will see the flicker of Pujols’ soul engulf the puny mortal’s frame. Mark my words: PUJOLS WILL DESTROY YOU ONCE AGAIN.

I’m pretty sure the AL should’ve won the game about 11 different times, but they managed to play down to the level of the NL — which was pretty fucking bad. Dan Uggla looked like a Little Leaguer in the field. I’m dead serious here: I watched my 10-year-old cousin play baseball last week and the second basemen on his team was more reliable in the field. And the kid was like 4 feet tall. I’m not even trying to be funny here, I swear. Oh, and Uggla completely sucked at the plate too. In his most important at-bat of the night, he got totally clowned by 3 pitches in a row, the last one being a disgusting knee-buckling curve.

But Uggla doesn’t deserve all the blame, as the rest of the NL East decided to totally suck as well. Any team that has both Billy Wagner and Brad Lidge on their team is doomed to fail, especially when they have to be used in the same game. Wagner blew the All-Star Game for the NL AGAIN, even though he only had to get one out. He came in with 2 outs and bases empty in the 8th, knowing he wouldn’t even have to pitch in the 9th, and managed to give up a run. He is beyond worthless. And then no one scored again until Brad Lidge came in 7 innings later. What a surprise.

WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED…WE ARE

CAPTAIN BLOWN-GAME

(I’m sorry)

I really don’t have much else to say on the matter. Nate McClouth managed to make an amazing throw in the 11th to prolong the game, but Corey Hart wasn’t able to repeat the performance in the 15th. Probably since he shouldn’t have been an All-Star in the first place. Pat Burrell > him, and that’s not easy for a Mets fan to say.

I realize I didn’t even mention anything about the AL, but I wanted to focus on the suck.

Oh, and Bud Selig probably shit his pants on three different occasions tonight.