I’ve been writing up too many reports with footnotes…

Anyhow, this post is to call attention to a contest — but more importantly — another blog. 3:10 to Joba has resided over on the right at the top of my blogroll for a bit of time now. The man in charge, either “J” or “310toJoba” depending on where he is on the internets, knows what he’s doing over there. He really has his shit together, unlike myself. Maybe because he’s a few years my junior and hasn’t let life suck all passion for everything out of his soul.

Why post about his blog now? Because he’s offering up a free hat for his 10 loyal readers. Don’t expect me to pull anything like this. I need to fund my insatiable need for fresh Cambodian breast milk. Just click here, and follow the directions, and you may just find yourself the new owner of one of the overpriced 59Fifty caps. And I swear to fucking God, you better take the sticker off, or I will rip it off myself and make you choke on it.

The original article. And now I self-evaluate:

1. Write from the heart

Hey, I do that! Who else would talk about what everyone knows to be true, that Tom Brady is pure evil? I let my fandom get the best of me in all my sports-related posts, I do my best to rip on Halo whenever possible, and every movie review I post immediately after a theater-viewing usually turns into a gushing pile of text. I write about whatever is on my mind without holding back. I wish I had a joke to wrap this up. This post is already doomed for failure.

2. Be insanely useful

Already in trouble here. Are animated gifs useful? How about YouTube videos? I did send a random person a Hulu invite; that can only be construed as extremely helpful and useful. That social networking/Hulu post is probably the only truly useful thing I’ve posted in a while. Hmm, I’ll try to think of some ideas to change this fact. Maybe HOW TO MAKE ANIMATED GIFS!

3. Keep the reader’s problems in mind

Sorry, I have enough problems of my own. I can’t think about your problems, reader. I just try post as much inane crap as possible, so you can forget about your pitiful existence for a few short moments. (But if you have any suggestions, I’m open.)

4. Don’t just write about yourself

I know this isn’t livejournal.com. Moving on.

5. Interact with readers

I make sure to respond to pretty much every comment on this blog, no matter how stupid, belligerent, or ill-informed. Just look at the plethora of comments on the Tom Brady and Bear Grylls posts. I take care of my four readers.

6. Give them a reason to come back

Shouldn’t good, regular posting be enough to achieve this? The original article says to “build anticipation.” Should I announce that I have cock pics incoming? Or exclusive Jessica Alba nudes next week? Maybe I could improve this when I set up WordPress on my own webspace. Polls! More column sidebars! Hulu embedded videos!

7. Write catchy headlines

This could possibly use some work, but I have plenty of gems. Anything with “Anti-Christ” is obviously an attention-grabber, and I liked “To Rock Band, or Not to Rock Band” and “Tightening Up the Blog Posts on Level Three.” Come on! Those are awesome.

8. On social media

Just made a post about all this ridiculous Web 2.0 stuff. The problem with them is that you actually need FRIENDS ON THEM to help popularize your posts. Build a Digg network — or maybe now a Pownce network — and you’ll get traffic. Surprisingly, Digg managed to help my “Tom Brady is the Anti-Christ” post get a shitload of traffic, but I’ve seen nothing of the sort happen to any of the other posts I dugg, including my sequel to it (which I felt was vastly superior). I think I can safely say that my biggest triumph was getting linked by Deadspin. Too bad I didn’t utilize that in any way. At all.

9. Guest posting

Hey, I let Justin post stuff on here when he feels like it. Anyone — that I know — is welcome to contribute! If it doesn’t suck.

10. Reveal yourself

I’m fairly hesitant about talking about my personal life in here. On the other hand, it’s not like my personal life would actually be interesting to anyone at this point in time. But I think stating that I’m e-stalking an internet celebrity is pretty revealing. Of a lot of things.

11. Don’t be afraid to try new things

I cover a vast network of topics. Movies, games, books (once in a blue moon), TV shows, the internet, sports, random funny stuff…I really don’t know what else I could cover with any level of intelligent writing. I guess I could always pretend I’m an expert on subjects I know absolutely nothing about. Kinda like that guy that wrote a review for Mass Effect WITHOUT LEVELING UP HIS CHARACTERS.

12. Focus on the essential

I think this means more posts with boobs.

The writers of a blog that I really should start reading on a daily basis — Fire Joe Morgan — have announced their true identities. They are all TV writers. And one of them plays Mose Schrute, the brother of Dwight Schrute on The Office. I think I stopped watching The Office in the beginning of Season 4, so I missed his character being used more, but I do remember his bit spot in an episode of Season 3. Maybe he’s been concentrating more on writing Fire Joe Morgan, since that site has been awesome for a long time, while The Office pretty much dove off a cliff (but then again, pretty much every TV show did last year, personally). I don’t know why I never made it a habit to keep up with FJM. Well, I added it to my blogroll, so hopefully I’ll remember to read it daily now.

In other news, a high-school football player named Kevin Hart lied about getting recruited by two Division I programs. He even had a press conference at his school where he picked the school, with school officials and fellow classmates cheering his decision. No doubt he got laid shortly thereafter. Then it came out that the two colleges had never heard of him. It was all over the internet and ESPN. It looked like a poor, naive teenager and his parents had gotten duped by a ruthless faux-agent. It was funny, but sad at the same time.

Maybe he didn’t like being made to look like a fool, maybe he realized he couldn’t push the lie any further, but soon after Hart confessed and made himself look like the egotistical, douchebag football player he is. How do you make that shit up? How can he even attend high school anymore? On the other hand, hopefully this makes insane college football fans look at themselves and ponder why in God’s name they care about where high-school football players go to college. I’m glad my lies as a teenager were never nationally televised. But then again, I never got a press conference. So now it’s just funny.

By the way, this is the kid — in the Heisman pose pic (provided by Deadspin) that is oh so ironic:

If you ever happen to see him, make sure to point and laugh.