Andy Roddick is in the Wimbledon finals.

Fifteen Major League Baseball games will be played tomorrow.

The forecast in my town calls for a high of 78 degrees.

I will be eating barbecued hamburgers and hot dogs.

Edit: And Joey Chestnut just defended his title by eating more hot dogs in 10 minute than I do in 10 years.

Who cares that the unemployment rate has hit 9.5%?

It is Fourth of July weekend. I haven’t made a new post in way too long. I wanted to make a “Why America Rocks” post on the 4th, but I never managed to do it. Probably because I was being too busy being American. Too busy eating hamburgers and hot dogs while watching baseball. Too busy driving motorized coolers off of decks. Too busy watching the American hero Joey Chestnut take down the Japanese menace Kobayashi once again, this time in a 5-DOG EATOFF. EPIC.

You know what else is American? Batman. You know what is even more American? Watching Batman on IMAX. The Dark Knight in IMAX is going to give me a 2-and-a-half hour pants-tearing erection. I will drive approximately 40 minutes to see it in IMAX. Wasting gas needlessly to watch a movie on an unnecessarily massive screen? AMERICAN. Oh wait, did I say “needlessly” and “unnecessarily”? I better watch myself, as that is treading a dangerous line. The minute I lean towards thinking such an activity is a waste of valuable resources, the terrorists have won.

America is watching football on Sundays while sitting on your couch drinking beer, not watching some dumb European soccer tournament. America is playing Fantasy Baseball and pretending like you actually know what you’re doing during the draft. America is using the internet to scam and cheat as much as possible (2100 free Microsoft points FTW). America is Will Smith coming out with a mediocre blockbuster every other 4th of July weekend. America is rooting for the underdog — GO NADAL. America is stealing the best people from other countries — Einstein, Arnold, Ichiro, and Victoria’s Secret models. America is eating breakfast at 3 in the morning at a 24-hour diner. America is sending drunk messages on Facebook and regretting it later. America is where the rest of the world comes to fulfill their dreams, and where ungrateful Americans complain and dream about moving to other countries.

AMERICA